Author's Notes and Disclaimer - I do not own Digimon, but the characters of the Fantom and the Censor are mine, as well as the detective. Also, Charlene (Izzy's laptop) and her personality sprang from my demented mind. This is story, like all the other parts of "The Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom," can be read on it's own, but for the bigger picture, go back and read "Casting Call!" "A Piedmon's Life is Not a Happy One...!" and "Secret Files and Digi-Origins!" - you don't HAVE to, but you'll have fun. ^_^

- - -

THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS

(Part Four of “The Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom!”)

By Chris McFeely

- - -

Censor Joe is sitting in his office, filling out insurance forms, when there’s a knock at the door. Joe puts a hard hat on his head, and goes to answer it. When an anvil/piano/elephant/16-ton weight fails to fall on his head, he looks at the person who knocked. It’s a man, about 6’2’’, wearing a trench coat and a fedora.

Man: You called?

Censor Joe: I did?

Man: Yes. I’m Detective Vice. You called.

Censor Joe: Oh, right, I remember now. I called you to come down and interrogate the list of suspects we have who might be the Fantom, the mysterious person who’s been causing all the accidents here in the last few weeks - those accidents being the reason I’m wearing this hat.

Joe winks at the camera.

Vice: Stow the exposition, tubby, and point me towards the criminals.

Joe’s lower lip trembles.

Censor Joe: I’m just big boned...

Censors Bob and Steve appear for no good reason, and Steve takes Joe back inside his office, where he has a short cry. Bob takes Vice to the suspects.

Censor Bob: If you don’t mind me asking, Detective - we’re all a friendly bunch around here... what’s your first name?

Vice: That ain’t none of your business, buster. You can call me P. D. - my friends call me “Plot”... but you aren’t gonna be one of ‘em.

Censor Bob: ...Plot D. Vice?

Vice: Wanna make somethin’ of it?

Censor Bob: No sir, sir.

- - -

As Vice and Bob enter the room, everyone inside looks around. Against one wall are Myotismon, Devimon, Piedmon, Megatron from ‘Beast Machines’, Nanette Manoire (of ‘Angela Anaconda’ fame), and Flint the Time Detective. On the other side of the room are the DigiDestined.

Kari: It’s about time you got here... that one keeps looking at me funny. *points at Flint*

Vice: Don’t you worry, missy, I’ll deal with these CRIMINALS.

Devimon: ExCUSE me, but we can’t ALL be the Fantom, you know. So stop calling us ALL criminals.

Vice: *grabs Devimon by the collar and squashes his face up against his* You callin’ me WRONG, sonny?

Devimon: *gulp* No sir, sir.

Vice: *releases him* Okay then.

Devimon: S’okay.

Vice: S’awright.

Vice begins pacing up and down in front of the six suspects.

Vice: I’m gonna take each and every one of you in turn... and I’m gonna inflict the most GRUELLING, ANGUISHING kind of mental torture on all of you... until you tell me EVERYTHING I want to know!

Myotismon raises his hand.

Vice: What?

Myotismon: Are you gonna, like, take us into a dark room, and throw us in a corner, and stand over us and yell at us and stuff?

Vice: Damn right.

Myotismon: WOO-HOO! Me first!

Vice: Don’t give me any of that lip, sonny. The guy with the horns is goin’ first.

Devimon: *mutter* Sure, pick on the guy with no legs...

Devimon (legless, as seen in “An Old Enemy Returns,” and of course, “Have Yourself a Digi Little Christmas...!”) floats across the room, through the doorway that Vice holds open, which leads into a small, dark room. As the door closes behind the two of them, Joe and Steve enter through the other door that Vice and Bob came through earlier.

Censor Joe: Did we miss anything?

Tai: Naw, it’s just starting.

Joe (Joe KIDO, that is): Y’know, I’m not so sure one of you censors isn’t the Fantom...

Censor Steve: Oh, for God’s sake...

Joe: Well, what about that stunt you pulled so we couldn’t be in the third part of the movie?

Censor Joe: I keep TELLING you, you idiot, it’s not our FAULT that Kokomon gave you MANGE, okay?!

Joe: That’s just what you want me to think...

- - -

Inside the room...

Vice: You may as well tell me now, Sonny - are you the Fantom?

Devimon: No, I bloody well am not! And stop calling me “Sonny” - I was consuming souls before you were even BORN, you pathetic mortal!

Vice: Don’t take that tone with me, Sonny.

Devimon: RAAGH! TOUCH OF EVIL!

- - -

Back in the main room, there’s a muffled explosion, and then, the door opens, and Vice drags Devimon out. The tail of his coat is smoking, but Devimon has the impression of a fist on his face.

Vice: This one ain’t the Fantom. He doesn’t have any legs.

Censor Bob: Hey, that’s a good point...

Censor Steve: Colour my face red.

Vice points at Myotismon.

Vice: You next.

Myotismon: YAAAY!

Piedmon grimaces.

Piedmon: Bad enough I have to deal with HER...

Piedmon looks down, and we see that Arukenimon (human form) is clinging to his leg.

Matt and Ken walk over.

Matt: We feel your pain.

Jun and Yolei look up from their positions on the floor, attached to Matt and Ken.

Jun: Hi there! I love your hair!

Arukenimon: Thanks! I do it myself!

Yolei: We could totally help you with that!

All three giggle loudly, and Piedmon, Matt and Ken scream.

- - -

Vice: Are you the Fantom?

Myotismon: No, I’m not, but I DO like his style. Capes are so IN this year.

Myotismon snatches Vice’s fedora and puts it on himself.

Vice: Hey...!

Myotismon: Hee-hee, look at me, I’m the Fantom!

Vice: You are?

Myotismon: No.

Vice: But you said...

Myotismon: When’s that torture coming, huh?

- - -

Myotismon crashes through the door suddenly, the imprint of Vice’s boot on his ass.

Vice: I’m an officer of the LAW, punk.

Myotismon: Yeah, well, I thought cops were SUPPOSED to frisk you!

Piedmon: I am SO going to kill you later.

Vice motions for Piedmon to go into the room.

Vice: You’re next, clown-boy. Leave the dame here.

Arukenimon: Awww...

Arukenimon lets go of Piedmon and morphs into her Digimon form. As the door shuts behind Vice and Piedmon, Myotismon dusts himself off.

Myotismon: Hellooo, pretty lady.

Arukenimon: *giggle*

- - -

Vice: Are you the F-

Piedmon: Are you a complete idiot?

Vice: What?

Piedmon: The Fantom HOSPITALISED me. I CAN’T be him.

Vice: I beg to differ. You set yourself up, didn’t you? Thought you could hurt yourself, so no-one would suspect that you WERE the Fantom, didn’t you?

Piedmon: Excuse ME, Robert freakin’ Stack, but you think I’d actually do that to myself? And WILLINGLY subject myself to endless hours in a hospital bed with only that WOMAN out there for company?

Vice: Why not? She seems like a nice dame.

Piedmon: You wouldn’t say that if SHE WAS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO GNAW YOUR SHIN BONE OFF!!!

Piedmon flings his leg up on to the table, and shows Vice the bite marks.

Vice quietly retches.

Vice: Okay, okay, I believe you... you can go...

Piedmon: Goodie. TTFN, Ta-Ta For Now...

Piedmon jumps out the window.

Vice opens the door back to the main room.

Arukenimon: Where’s my Piedy-Wied? What’d you DO to him?

Vice: Window.

Arukenimon runs forward and jumps out the window.

Arukenimon (v/o): I’m coming, love!

Piedmon (v/o): AUUGH!

Vice snaps his fingers at Megatron.

Megatron: Do not presume to order me, you filthy organic, noooo. I will rip out your still-pulsating spark and turn your fleshy carcass into a draught excluder, yeeeesss!

Vice: I don’t got no spark, pal - unless you count the spark that created the undying fire in my heart to uphold the law and fight for truth, justice, and the Ameri-

Megatron: Oh, for God’s sake, all right! Just shut up, yeeess.

- - -

Vice: Are you the Fantom?

Megatron: Noooo... yeeess.

Vice: ....what?

Megatron: I SAID, Nooooo! Yeeess.

Vice: You’re NOT the Fantom, right?

Megatron: Yeeeess! Nooo.

Vice: You ARE?

Megatron: NOOOO! Yess.

Vice: You don’t even KNOW, do you?

Megatron: Noooo. Yeees.

- - -

As a drooling Megatron is carried away by Thrust and Jetstorm, Vice takes Nanette into the room.

Vice: Now, I’m sure a cute li’l girl like you couldn’t the Fantom, could you?

Nanette: Oh, oui! Which is French for - let me out of this f*cking room!

Vice: Well, the “cute” thing don’t WORK on ME, Missy! Now you sit yer ass down, and you answer my questions!

Nannete: S’il vous plait! Which is French for - f*ck YOU, you f*cking horse-f*cker!!

- - -

A few minutes later, Vice and Nanette walk out of the room. Nanette has her beret lodged firmly in her mouth.

Censor Bob: Well?

Vice: *shakes head* Trust me, it’s NOT her.

Censor Steve: Who’s left?

Kari: THIS ONE! GET IT OFFFFF!

Flint: *glomp*

T.K. and Davis drag Flint off of Kari, and hand him, by his ankles to Vice. He takes him into the room, and the door shuts. Instead of switching to inside the room, the camera stays with the DD (read: The author doesn’t WATCH Flint the Time Detective).

Izzy is sitting in the corner, working on Charlene. Get your mind out of the gutter, you!!

Charlene: This - is - nice - Izzy - - we - can - be - alone - - without - that - icky - Tentomon - around - to bother - us...

Izzy: Not HERE, Charlene...

Armadillomon: Whar IS Tentahmahn, an’way?

Izzy: Ack! What are you DOING behind me?

Armadillomon: Hopin’ y’all’d stahrt som’thahn’. *sick grin*

Izzy: Ew! Get AWAY from me!

Armadillomon: Hey, what tha’ heck d’y’all want? Chris ain’t focused on me ‘tall! Ah ain’t got ah developed personal’ty quirk, an’ he’s doin’ his best to expahnd on mah perversion from the Christmas fic!

Chris (v/o, from the other side of the fourth wall): Yes, folks, this is what you have to look forward to in future fics - a perverted Armadillomon. Live it up.

Suddenly, the door bursts open, and Flint walks out. His eyes are wide, and he walking very slowly, calmly, with small steps, not saying a word. Vice walks out behind him.

Vice: It ain’t him.

Davis: Uh... like, where’s his hammer?

Vice: Lemme put it this way, sonny... he ain’t gonna be sittin’ down a for a while.

All: *sweatdrop*

Censor Joe: So... let’s get this straight... none of these guys are the Fantom?

Vice: Near as I can figure. And I figure pretty damn near.

Censor Bob: ...remind us what we’re paying you for again?

- - -

A little later... Vice has left the censors and cast to their own devices, and is searching the studios.

Vice: Got to be something around here...

Vice is carefully treading through piles of junk, when his foot catches on something, and he stumbles backward, falling on his ass, and jarring loose a floorboard.

Vice: What in the...?

As the floor board see-saws upward, a portion of the wall on his left slides open.

Vice: ...and Bingo was his name-o...

Vice darts inside the opening in the wall, and finds himself inside a narrow corridor. He eases himself down it, and walks along for a few minutes.

Vice: This has to lead somewhere...

Up ahead, there’s a crack noise. Vice’s head snaps around, searching for the sound’s source... when a small, green sphere bounces past his foot. He watches it go.

Vice: What the...?

More spheres bounces past, when suddenly, a giant WAVE of them smashes into Vice, burying him underneath them. He’s knocked unconscious, with only his hand sticking out of the pile.

A silhouetted pair of legs appears in the foreground, and a familiar voice speaks.

Figure: Mmm... cantaloupes...

Vice’s body is dragged out from under the fruity mountain, and off screen.

- - -

Hours later, the censors are talking with paramedics.

Paramedic: So, where’d you say you found him?

Censor Joe: Right in the middle of our recording studio.

Paramedic: No signs of what had happened to him?

Censor Bob: Nope.

Censor Steve: And he doesn’t remember ANYTHING?

Paramedic: Nope. Took a hit to the head pretty hard. Maybe a couple’a times. He’s totally lost his memory. Thinks he’s a cantaloupe.

Censor Joe: Ah, JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE F*CKING HELL IS WITH THE CANTALOUPE THING?!?!?

Censor Bob: Joe, man, calm down. I’m sure it will all be revealed in time... after several more hints...

Bob winks at the camera.

Censor Joe: Stop that. Only I may wink.

- - -

In the rafters, high above, the menacing figure of the FOX Kids Fantom stands, his balance perfect, beside a large grey metal box. He pops the blade from the tip of his cane, and sets to work picking the lock on the box.

Fantom: Ahh, yess... soon, the suffering shall begin...

The Fantom pauses.

Fantom: ...hey! You! Author-guy! Chris, or whatever!

Yes?

Fantom: How come I always get crappy dialogue like this?

Crappy? I though you sounded kinda dramatic.

Fantom: Dramatic maybe, but just once, I’d like to start a scene without saying “ahh, yess.”

Aw, c’mon, it’s fun!

Fantom: This is fun to you, is it? Well, maybe I’ll just end the fun right now!

The Fantom grabs the side of his mask.

Hey, what are you doing?! No, stop, don’t do that--!

Fantom: I, the FOX Kids Fantom am actually none other than - !

An anvil/piano/elephant/16-ton weight falls on the Fantom’s head.

Don’t do that AGAIN!

Fantom (muffled): Okay, okay, sorry... can I just get back to my evil now?

Okay then.

The anvil/piano/elephant/16-ton weight disappears, and the Fantom goes back to picking the lock on the
box.

Fantom: *mutters* There’s got a be a union for people who have to put up with this sort of thing...

- - -

TO BE CONTINUED!

- - -

Next - A brief musical interlude! Coming very soon is a full-length version of:

“THE REAL DIGI-KAISER!”

Enjoy it while it lasts, because after that, prepare yourself for:

“IT’S ONLY TV... BUT I LIKE IT!”

- a crazy mish mash of scenes and parodies that’ll have you wondering what the hell I’m smoking, and where you can get some! And then, after that, the final two-part story of “The Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom,” when the Fantom himself will be unmasked!

- - -

C'mon, people, SERIOUSLY!! I NEEEEED REVIEEEEEEWS! The number of reviews I've been getting on my humour fics has slowly been on the decrease... it's damaging my self-esteem! Help meeee! ^_^