Author's Note and Disclaimer - I don't own Digimon, but the Censors and the Fantom are my creations. I'm beginning to create a running sub-plot in my humour fics now, rather than just running gags - and that sub-plot is gonna build into a big, dramatic conclusion in a couple of fics' time! So, I'd advise you read "Casting Call!" before this, because that's where the subplot really all begins. But you can read this as a stand-alone, too, if you want. I ain't forcin' ya. ^_^

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A PIEDMON’S LIFE IS NOT A HAPPY ONE...!

By Chris McFeely

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Director: ACTION!

The cast of 02 is filming episode 39 - Arukenimon and Mummymon are attacking Davis, Ken and Paildramon.

Mummymon: NYA-HA-HAHA-HAA!

Mummymon points his honkin’ giant laser rifle thing at Davis and is about to squeeze the trigger, when a large sandbag falls on his head.

Mummymon: AHH!

The Censors are standing off to the side, watching the filming, and Censor Joe jumps out of his seat.

Censor Joe: What the...?

Mummymon, dazed and in pain, staggers off the set. Clutching his head, he’s not watching where he’s going, and steps on... a cantaloupe, just sitting there on the ground. It rolls out from under his foot, sending him flying off to the side, off-camera. There’s a loud and painful-sounding crash. Tentomon scuttles in.

Tentomon: Damned lousy cantaloupe... thought you could get away from me, didn’t you?

Tentomon picks up the cantaloupe and darts off again.

While Censor Bob and Censor Steve rush over to help Mummymon, Censor Joe stares up into the rafters above the set. Something shifts there.

Censor Joe: What in the...?

There’s a flash of red, white and black in the shadows, and whatever it was is gone. Censor Joe rubs his head, and goes to join the others.

Censor Joe: Is he okay?

Censor Bob: If that’s supposed to bend that way, then, yeah, he’s fine...

Censor Joe: Ew. Yikes.

- - -

The following day, in Piedmon’s observatory base...

Telephone: *ring, ring*

Piedmon (v/o): Don’t hang up, don’t hang up! I’m in the shower!

Piedmon runs in with at towel around his waist - still wearing his mask, but his hair is now wet and drooping around his shoulders. He grabs the phone.

Piedmon: WHAT?

Censor Joe (v/o): Piedmon, baby, buhbie, can we talk?

Piedmon: Joe? Is that you?

Censor Joe: Yeah, yeah. Look, we’re in kind of a tough spot over here, and we need your help.

Piedmon: You’ve got WORK for me?

Censor Joe: We need you to stand in for one of the new guys on the show - he had an, uhm, accident.

Piedmon: YOU’VE for WORK for ME?

Censor Joe: *sigh* Yes.

Piedmon: WOO-HOO!!

- - -

A couple of hours later, Piedmon shows up at the studio, dressed in his usual clown attire. He goes inside, and walks down the hall towards the Censor’s office. As he gets towards it, the door bursts open, and Leomon and Ogremon struggle their way out, holding Willis between them, who kicks frantically.

Willis: I DO EXIST, I tell you! So what if I’m not in the cartoon? I’m still REAL! I THINK, therefore I AM!! I *THINK,* dammit!!

Piedmon coughs as Leomon and Ogremon cart Willis off down the hall and throw him in the Edits Closet. He goes into the office.

Censor Joe: Piedmon! Thanks for coming!

Censor Steve: We really appreciate you bailing us out, here.

Piedmon: No problem, guys. Now, who am I going to be playing?

Censor Bob hands Piedmon a picture of Mummymon.

Piedmon: Hmn...

Censor Joe: He’s one of the new villains in the show - teamed with Arukenimon here.

Censor Joe hands Piedmon a picture of Arukenimon.

Piedmon: *mutters* ...tramp...

Censor Bob: So, do you want the part? If not, I’m sure we could get Myotismon in... he’s about your size, and I think he’d work well with Arukenimon...

Piedmon: NO! I’LL DO IT!

Censor Bob winks at Joe and Steve.

Censor Joe: Okay, well, get on over to make-up, then, and they’ll get you set up.

Piedmon walks out, and to the make-up department. A little while later, he shows up at the set, where the Censors are once again sitting in their seats.

Censor Steve: You look great!

Piedmon is now wrapped from neck to toe in bandages, and is admittedly a dead ringer for Mummymon.

Censor Joe: Now, let’s shoot this thing.

Piedmon: Hang on, gimmie a minute...

Piedmon tugs on his Mummymon-mask, hiding his face. A prop man hands him Mummymon’s rifle.

Piedmon: Goodness, this is a BIG gun.

Piedmon pulls the trigger, and an electric blasts zaps out, flying over Censor Bob’s head, blasting a stage hand. Piedmon shivers as the gun recoils.

Piedmon: Oooh... I LIKE this...

Censor Joe: Uh.. yeah... anyway...

Piedmon: Of course.

Piedmon walks out into the middle of the set, beside Arukenimon, Davis, Ken and Paildramon.

Arukenimon: I’d like to tell you what an honour it is to be working with you, Mr. Pied. I studied all your original villainy to prepare myself for my role.

Piedmon: That’s very nice of you to say.

Arukenimon: Yes, I think you were the most capable villain in the whole of the first series. I really liked the way you handled yourself.

Piedmon: Yes, yes...

Arukenimon: You’re really quite impressive, sir. I look up to you. I IDOLISE YOU.

Piedmon: Uh-huh.

Arukenimon: WANNA SIGN MY SHIRT?!

Piedmon: ...

Director: ACTION!

Piedmon: *clears throat* Bwa. Haha. Ha. Ha. Now I shall destroy you. Nya-ha-bwa-haaaa.

Piedmon fires the rifle at Davis and Ken.

Paildramon: Paildramon, digivolve to... Imperialdramon!

Imperialdramon advances on Piedmon and Arukenimon.

Piedmon: Now, I will... I... oh, look, I’m sorry, can we cut?

Director: CUT!

Piedmon walks up to the director, and Imperialdramon de-digivolves back to Paildramon.

Director: What’s the matter, sweetie?

Piedmon: This just isn’t working for me.

Director: Darling, sweetie, baby, what do you mean?

Piedmon: I mean, I’m a mummy, I get that, but what’s my motivation?

Director: You’re BIG, darling. You’re BIG and you’re MEAN, and you want to KILL, REND and DESTROY. That work better for you, luvvie?

Piedmon: *whines* Aga-ain? Awww, but I did that last ye-ear!

Director: I don’t write the episodes, honeybunch.

Piedmon: *blinks* Uh... yes, anyway, be that as it may, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this.

Director: Do this for us, and you can keep the gun.

Piedmon: WHOO! Okay!

Director: Mah-vellous, tight-buns.

Piedmon inches away from the director and back onto the set.

Director: Are we ready to go again? Piedmon, try and get into it some more, there’s a good lad. Ready and... ACTION!

Piedmon: NYA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA! Now I shall DESTROY you! BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

The Censors nod their approval.

Piedmon swings the rifle around and points it at Davis and Ken.

Piedmon: BWA-NYAH-HA-HEH-HURGH-HYAAAGH-BWAAAA!

Censor Bob: That might be a bit TOO much.

Censor Joe: We can edit it.

Censor Steve: That’s what we get paid for.

The Censors quietly laugh evilly together for a few seconds, and Piedmon continues with his own laugh. He then pulls the trigger...

...and the gun explodes in his face.

Piedmon: ARGH!

Piedmon falls over, as the charred wreck of the gun falls to the ground. The Censors dart to his side, as does Arukenimon, while Davis and Ken look at the remains of the gun.

Ken: Looks like these wires here were deliberately re-routed. The surplus energy wasn’t being discharged.

Davis: ...durr... uhm... what he said.

Censor Bob: What in the name of Willis J. O’Brien is going ON around here?

High up in the rafters above the studio, a figure sits... the same mystery figure as was glimpsed briefly at the end of “Casting Call!” - the figure known only as “the Fantom.”

Fantom: Yesss... soon, they shall all fall... and I shall make myself known to them, and that shall signify their end!

The Fantom’s stomach rumbles.

Fantom: All this evil planning makes me hungry... and I haven’t even eaten lunch yet. Blasted Censors, clearing out the entire cafeteria...

The Fantom lifts his mask a little, and starts eating a slice of cantaloupe.

Meanwhile, down below...

Piedmon: *dazed* Mommy, is that you?

Arukenimon: Yes, “mommy”’s here... *wraps her arms tightly around him*

Piedmon: GET IT OFF, IN THE NAME OF GOD, GET IT OFF!

Censor Steve: Better get him to a hospital...

Arukenimon: I’ll ride in the ambulance with him!

Piedmon: NOOOO!

Arukenimon morphs into her human form, and follows Piedmon as he’s taken by paramedics to the waiting ambulance.

- - -

Piedmon wakes up a little later in a hospital bed.

Piedmon: Oyyy...

Mummymon is sitting in the bed to his left.

Mummymon: Hey, dude. ‘sup?

Piedmon: Oh... you’re that guy they had me standing in for.

Mummymon: They got a stand in, huh? Damn impatient bloaters. They waited like two months to show any new frickin’ episodes, you think they could wait a day or two until I get outta here.

Piedmon: You obviously don’t know Joe.

Mummymon: So, whatcha in for?

Piedmon: That damn gun of yours blew up in my face.

Mummymon: Eh, that’s those cheap studio copies for you. I keep the real one right here...

Mummymon pulls his gun out.

Piedmon: Where do you... keep that?

Mummymon: Do you re-eally wanna know? It involves an awful lot of lubricant.

Piedmon: Ooh! Do tell!

- - -

Mummymon: ...and that’s why cheese will eventually rule the Earth.

Piedmon: Fascinating.

Arukenimon, in human form, appears.

Arukenimon: YOO-HOO!

Mummymon: Hey, Aru! Dropped in to see me, huh?

Arukenimon: I’m sorry, you are...?

Mummymon: Your PARTNER, remember?

Arukenimon: Oh, yes, sorry, I forgot.

Mummymon: How goes our plan for total domination of the DigiWorld?

Arukenimon: Eh, you know - can’t complain.

Mummymon: ...

Arukenimon: ...

Mummymon: ...you bring me a present?

Arukenimon grabs Piedmon’s arm and hangs off of it.

Piedmon: Ow! Could you NOT do that, please?

Arukenimon: They say love hurts.

Piedmon: ...help me.

Mummymon: Y’know she’s probably gonna eat ya once she gets done, too.

Piedmon: Where’s a can of Raid when you need one?

Arukenimon: I brought you some fruit!

Piedmon: If you pull a cantaloupe out of that bag, I will SCREAM.

Arukenimon produces a bunch of grapes.

Piedmon: *phew*

Mummymon: What’s with the cantaloupe thing, anyway?

Piedmon: It doubt there IS anything behind it. The writer’s just a moron.

A cantaloupe falls from the ceiling and whacks Piedmon on the head.

Piedmon: OW!!

Mummymon: Ha, ha! You got in trouble!

A cantaloupe lands on Mummymon’s head.

Mummymon: OWW!

Tentomon appears and takes the cantaloupes away.

Piedmon: He’s really ramming the cantaloupe thing home in this fic, isn’t he?

Mummymon: Must be foreshadowing.

Piedmon: Must be.

There’s a knock on the door, and Myotismon peeps around.

Myotismon: Anybody home?

Piedmon: HIIII!

Myotismon: I heard about what happened, and I came straight over.... hey! Who’s THIS?

Arukenimon: Me?

Piedmon: She’s no-one, trust me.

Arukenimon: No-one? *sniff* How can you say that?

Piedmon: Like this: “She’s no-one.”

Myotismon: You’ve got nerve! You’re always accusing ME of having floozies, and now look at what I find you with!

Piedmon: I swear, she’s NO-ONE! Just a co-worker!

Myotismon: Oh, yeah?

Arukenimon morphs into her Digimon form.

Myotismon: *blinks* ...well... helloooo there.

Arukenimon: *giggle*

Piedmon: This is NOT happeninnnng...

Mummymon: Wouldja keep it down? I’m trying to watch TV over here.

Myotismon: Crimson Lightning!

Piedmon: Clown Trick!

Mummymon is blasted out the window.

Arukenimon: That’s gonna sting in the morning.

Myotismon: So, how’d you wind up in here, anyway?

Piedmon: On-the-job accident.

Myotismon: Y’know, there’re a lot of those going around. Hell, just last week, I was almost rectally probed by a Control Spire.

Piedmon: Almost...?

Myotismon: ...okay, I WAS.

Piedmon: Accidentally?

Myotismon: *cough* ...yes?

Arukenimon backs away from Myotismon.

Myotismon: Aw, c’mon! There were OTHERS...

Piedmon: But they couldn’t all be coincidence, though, could they?

Myotismon: There’s a dark force at work...

Piedmon: We must have brunch with it some time.

- - -

A few days later, Piedmon is feeling fit again, and returns to the studio.

Piedmon: I’m ready for my close up, Mr. Joe!

Censor Joe: Sorry, Pied, but we had to get someone to stand in for YOU.

Piedmon: Ack! Have you NO patience at ALL?

Censor Joe: Nope.

Someone dressed in a Mummymon costume walks up. He tugs the mask off, and his face is revealed.

Piedmon: WOODY ALLEN?

Allen: Uh, well, y’know, I mean - hi.

Piedmon: You replaced me with WOODY ALLEN?

Censor Joe: Yup. Bob had a fit, though - he still thought he’d killed him.

In the background, Censor Steve holds a bottle of smelling salts under the fainted Censor Bob’s nose.

Allen: Y’know, marvellous role, and everything, lots of fun, had a great, uh, time, I mean, very entertaining, I’m sure, and, I can, y’know, keep the, uh, gun, right?

Censor Joe: Of course you may, Mr. Allen.

Allen: Woo, and, uhm, y’know, I mean, hoo.

Woody Allen walks off, as Piedmon fumes.

Piedmon: Woody Allen! I don’t ferkin’ believe this...

Arukenimon scuttles up.

Arukenimon: Don’t be mad... you were much better in the role than he was. And I can bet I know some OTHER things you’re good IN too...

Piedmon: Don’t touch me.

- - -

High above, in the rafters, the Fantom sits, casually typing at a small laptop computer.

Fantom: NO, IT’S NOT CHARLENE! I’M NOT IZZY! THE WRITER’S NOT *THAT* STUPID!!

Geez, man, calm down.

Fantom: Sorry, I haven’t had my coffee yet.

Anyway, let’s get on with the epilogue here... the Fantom finishes his typing, and a floppy disk pops out of the side of the laptop. He takes it between his fore- and index fingers.

Fantom: Ahh, yes... soon they shall ALL know of my existence! I shall be known... yet be unknown... as I continue to reap my unholy revenge!

The Fantom tucks the disk into his pocket, and stands, splaying his cape out around him.

Fantom: Soon, the name of the FOX Kids Fantom shall be that of legend!

...

Fantom: ...now... I wonder if there’s any cantaloupe left over...

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THE END... FOR NOW!

NEXT - “SECRET FILES AND DIGI-ORIGINS!”

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Got any theories on the Fantom's identity? Keep your eyes peeled in future fics, because there'll be clues everywhere. But if you have any suspiscions now, tell me when you... REVIEW!!