DISCLAIMER AND AUTHOR'S NOTES - I don't own Digimon, but the Fantom and the Censors are my characters. This fic can easily be read as a one-shot without having to read any of my others, but if you'd like the bigger picture, check out "Casting Call!" "A Piedmon's Life is Not a Happy One...!" "Secret Files and Digi-Origins!" "The Unusual Suspects," and "The Real Digi-Kaiser."

- - -

IT’S ONLY TV... BUT I LIKE IT!

(Part Five of “The Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom!”)

By Chris McFeely

- - -

Censor Bob and Censor Steve stand around in the main studio. Bob taps his foot.

Censor Bob: Ah, geez, how long does it take to put a tape in a machine?

Censor Joe jogs up.

Censor Bob: At last.

Censor Joe: Yeah, sorry, they all started bitching.

(Joe is of course referring to the events at the beginning of my most recent fic, “The Real Digi-Kaiser,” which run simultaneously with this fic... you’ll see...)

Censor Steve: Okay, now, let’s run through this... we need to fill out these insurance forms... and pay these bills... and we need to get episode 41 filmed... we’re really behind schedule...

Censor Joe: Okay, then let’s get things rolling...

The Censors hurriedly walk off, but high above, the figure of the FOX Kids Fantom stands. The small grey box he was working on at the end of “The Unusual Suspects” is beside him, hanging open, exposing an array of switches.

Fantom: And now, the darkness falls, as the end is nigh...!

The Fantom extends an arm, and flips the first switch.

- - -

In CEO Vader’s inner sanctum, one of the viewscreens - showing Angela Anaconda - simply flicks off.

Vader: What the - ?

Another screen turns off, then another, and another, and another. Soon, the only screen which remains on is the one showing the Digimon recording studio.

- - -

(Okay, so, now you understand why the lights all went off back in “The Real Digi-Kaiser,” right, kids?)

The Fantom’s laughter rings out, and everyone in the Digimon recording studio looks up.

Tai: Ah, Christ, not AGAIN...

The Fantom appears on a rafter high above, in a cloud of purple smoke.

Fantom: You’re the only ones left now!

Matt: What the hell are you talking about, you asshole?

T.K.: Try speaking English for once!

Kari nails the Fantom in the head with a boom mike.

Fantom: Ow! You’re gonna pay for that, ya dirty little...

The Fantom disappears again, and then, Joe’s cell phone rings.

Censor Joe: Hello?

CEO Vader (v/o): It’s Vader. There’s something seriously wrong in this frickin’ building... the power to all the recording studios has been cut!

Censor Joe: But we’re fine down here...

Vader (v/o): I know! That’s why I need you to broadcast programming until we can get the power back up!

Censor Joe: Wha-AAT? For the WHOLE station?

Vader (v/o): What, is there an echo in here?

Censor Joe: But... why don’t you just put up the testcard?

Vader (v/o): Some heartless fiend... *sniff* ..tore it up!

Censor Joe: Oh, sweet Jesus.

Vader (v/o): You’ve got five minutes.

Vader hangs up.

Joe: Oh crap.

- - -

Jeff Nimoy tugs at Joe’s leg.

Censor Joe: Finished the script already?

Nimoy: Yes, sir.

Joe thumbs through the hastily cobbled-together script.

Censor Joe: Geez, Nimoy... do you even TRY any more?

Nimoy: ...I don’t know.

Censor Joe: Well, you are the guy who made one brother for Joe outta two...

Nimoy quietly chews on his own foot.

- - -

Angemon: But I don’t WANNA!

Censor Bob: You did it for season one, and you’re going to do it now!

Angemon: Aw, WHYYY? Make Devimon do it!

Angemon points at Devimon.

Devimon: I don’t have any legs.

Angemon: SO WHAT?

Bob shoves the script into Angemon’s hands.

Censor Bob: Get OUT there and DO it!

Angemon: *grumble* Ah, fine, fine...

Angemon storms up to a microphone, as Censor Steve gets everyone into position for the first show.

Angemon (reading): Coming up.... “Women who love rock stars and the soccer players who love them!” - next on “Diaboro!”

Fruity hoe-down music start playing, and a the camera opens on a screaming audience, who stand waving their arms in the air and stamping their feet. Diaboromon walks in from off-stage, and shakes a couple of hands.

Diaboromon: Hey, welcome to the show everybody. Today’s guest, Sora, has a problem!

Audience: OOOOOHHHH! AAAAH! *and other assorted meaningless noises*

Diaboromon: *reading off of cards in his hand* Yep, it seems she’s dating the lead guitarist in a band called “The Teenage Wolves!” But there’s someone else in the picture...!

Audience: OHHHHHHHHHHH! *noises of disapproval*

Diaboromon: Jesus, will you weirdos shut UP? Now, everybody welcome Sora to the show!

Sora walks out on stage, and sits down in one of the chairs lined up on the platform in front.

Audience: *assorted whoops and hollers*

Diaboromon: So, Sora, you’re dating a rock star, his name is... *reads* ...Matt, his name is Matt. Where’s the problem?

Sora: Well, Matt’s a really nice guy, and I’m happy with him... but... well, before I got together with him, there was this other guy... Tai... he was, like, my best friend, and I liked him... y’know, THAT way... and I think he liked me too, but he never did anything about it.

Diaboromon: So, what, you’re not sure you want to be with Matt if you can be with this other guy?

Sora: No, no, that’s not it at all. Matt’s great... and Tai’s... well... he’s TAI.

Diaboromon: So, why are you here?

Sora: Well, lately, I think... I think I’m being stalked. I keep getting weird phone calls... and anonymous letters...

Diaboromon: You think Tai could be behind it?

Sora nods.

Diaboromon: Well, first, let’s see what Matt has to say! Bring out Matt!

More fruity music plays, and Matt saunters out from backstage, and sits down in a chair beside Sora. They hold hands.

Diaboromon: Now, Matt, you were watching backstage - what do you have to say?

Matt: Let’s bring that ***** out here so I can **** his ****ing ****!!!

Diaboromon: Ah, the reliable ol’ bleeper. Let’s bring out Tai!

Tai enters.

Audience: BOOOOOOOO!! HISSSS! BOOOOO! (and of course - ****!!)

Tai: Ah, shut the **** up!

Matt: *jumps out of seat* What the **** is wrong with you, man? Stalking my **** woman!

Tai: I’m not ****ing stalking your **** woman!!

Sora: Stop it, both of you!

Tai and Matt sit down, looking daggers at each other.

Sora: Tai, I KNOW what you’ve been doing. I want it to stop.

Tai: What the hell are you talking about?

Sora reaches into her pocket and pulls out a folded piece of paper. She unfolds it, and shows it to Tai and the camera. Scrawled on the page in blood... well, either that, or red crayon... are the words “U R MINE.”

Tai: You... you think that *I*...!

Matt: Don’t deny it, you ****!

Matt pulls out another piece of paper. On this one, in the same handwriting, except in black ink, are the words “I KIL U SKUM.”

Tai: I didn’t write those!

Sora: Then prove it!

Tai: I can... because I got one too!

Audience: GASP! OOOOH!! AAAAAAHHHH!!

Tai pulls out another piece of paper, on which are the words “U DIE SOON.”

Sora: But... but...

Matt: If you didn’t send them...

Tai: ...who did?

Uncontrollable laughter can be heard from behind the fourth wall.

Matt: *smacks forehead* I think I have a pretty good idea.

Tai: Let me at that ****! I’ll ****ing kill him!

Chris (v/o, behind fourth wall): Bring it on, hair boy!

Leomon and Centarumon, wearing shirts which have the “Diaboro Show” logo on them, jump up and hold Tai back.

Tai: ******!!

Diaboromon: We’ll be right back with questions from the audience!

Fruity music plays again, as the commercial starts playing for the folks at home. Leomon and Centarumon force Tai back into his seat.

Chris (v/o): HA!

Diaboromon reaches one of his arms over the fourth wall and smacks Chris on the head.

Chris (v/o): OW!

Diaboromon: Now keep your damn author mouth shut.

Censor Steve: We’re back in 5... 4... 3...

Censor Steve makes the 2 and 1 signs with his fingers, and the music starts again.

Diaboromon: Hey, welcome back to the show everyone. Now it’s time for the audience to ask our guests some questions. Not that there are many to ask...

A Biyomon (not Sora’s Biyomon, mind you) in the fifth row waves her wing in the air. Diaboromon goes up to her and holds out the microphone.

Biyomon: This one is for Sora - you gots to kick that man to kerb, gerrrrlfriennnd!

The Biyomon snaps her fingers repeatedly and jerks her neck about.

Sora: Why?

Biyomon: He ain’t not no good for y’all! That boy there, he’s the one y’all wanna be with!

More snapping and jerking.

Diaboromon blinks.

Diaboromon: Okay, well...

Biyomon: Shut yo’ mouth!

Diaboromon: Excuse me, this is MY show...

Biyomon: Yo, talk to the hand, ‘cause the face don’t wanna listen no more.

Diaboromon shrugs, and picks up the Biyomon between two fingers.

Biyomon: Talk to the hand!

Diaboromon pops the Biyomon in his mouth.

Diaboromon: *chewing* Mmgh.... next question... mmnngh.. anyone?

The audience cowers in fear.

Diaboromon: Mmsngh... mmf... *gulp* ... no one? Oh, well, okay, time for the final thought, then.

Diaboromon sits on a stool as the more music plays.

Diaboromon: People say that behind every great man, there is a great woman. Well, I disagree - I say that behind every great man, there is a gross misconception of the meaning of greatness. Only I am great enough to know what it is, however - and I’m not telling. Until next time, take care of yourself, and each other.

The music plays again, as Diaboromon shakes everyone’s hands. The credits roll, as a Mushroomon tells everyone how he came down from Wisconsin to see this.

Back stage, Censor Joe tries to get the next show ready. He bangs on Gabumon’s dressing room door.

Censor Joe: Will you hurry UP? You’re on in two minutes!

Gabumon: I’m not READY!!

*SHNNNOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRT!*

Gabumon: WOAH-KAY!! NOW I’m ready!!

Censor Joe: Cue it!

Angemon: And now, it’s time to pay a visit to Gabumon’s Poetry Room!

The camera opens on a blinking pink neon sign, which reads “Gabumon’s Poetry Room.” It pans out, to show the interior of a coffee house, filled with various Digimon, including some Elecmon, a couple of Gazimon, and BlackWarGreymon. Gabumon walks out on to the stage on the left of the room. He is wearing sandals, a beret, and a pair of sunglasses.

Gabumon: Hey out there to all you groovy cats and kittens. Crazy, daddy-o.

The room’s occupants all click their fingers in response.

Gabumon: I’d like you all to give a warm Poetry Room welcome to our latest performer, a wild and funky radical who goes by the name of Apocalymon.

The audience click their fingers, as Apocalymon floats out onto the stage.

Apocalymon: Groovy. I’d like to recite a little poem I put together just for all you, which reflects the constant pain and agony that is my life.

*clicking*

Apocalymon:

Eating only spiders and leaves,
I curl into a fist,
Don’t pet the CAT that way!
Scooby da.
Skee bop-bop.
The End.

*clicking*

BlackWarGreymon: *sniff* It’s so true... so true....

Gabumon walks back out.

Gabumon: Wasn’t he great, hipsters? I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today... be groovy to one another.

Angemon: This has been a visit to Gabumon’s Poetry Room.

(Author’s Note: There’ll be a bunch of brownie points for the clever soul who can tell me where I got the lyrics to Apocalymon’s poem from!)

Censor Joe: Roll commercials!

<commercial>

Michael sits at a table in a kitchen, with a bowl of cereal in front of him. He adds milk, and is about to start eating, when Rapidmon sneaks up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. When he look around, Rapidmon snatches the cereal.

Michael: Hey!

Michael snatches it back.

Michael: Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!

Rapidmon: RAPID FIRE!

*KA-BOOM!*

Rapidmon: Kids, my ass.

</commercial>

As more commercials play, the singed Michael staggers backstage, and bumps into Mimi and Joe.

Michael: How do I get myself into these things? *coughs up a cloud of smoke*

Mimi: Awww, you poor baby! Let Mimi take care of it!

Joe: *grimace* What are you doing here, anyway?

Michael: I got called back in to record the International DD episodes.

Joe: Uh-huh... well... if you’ll excuse me, I left my shotgun in the car, and I have a sudden urge to go and get it.

Michael: Later, man.

The commercials come to an end. Censor Bob makes flustered arm motions at Angemon.

Angemon: Aw, how much longer do I have to DOOOOO this...?

Censor Bob: Until our fat is out of the fire!

Angemon: Well, given the size of you, that could be a long time. *sigh* And now, let’s take a trip to the kitchen for “Hey... What Smells?”

The camera opens on a dark little kitchenette set, and the lights go up to show Mrs. Kamiya behind the counter, and Armadillomon sitting on it.

Mrs. Kamiya: Hi! I’m Mrs. Kamiya...

Armadillomon: ...and Ah’m Armadillomon!

Mrs. Kamiya: And we’d like to welcome you to...

Armadillomon: ...“Hey... What Smells?”

Mrs. Kamiya: I’m so happy to get my own cooking show at last! What about you, Armadillomon?

Armadillomon rubs up against Mrs. Kamiya’s chest.

Armadillomon: Aw, yeah... Ah’m happy, all rahght...

Mrs. Kamiya pets Armadillomon.

Mrs. Kamiya: He’s so cute!

Armadillomon: So, tell me, what are we makin’ today?

Mrs. Kamiya: Today, I’m going to give you all the recipe for one of my specialities - Cabbage and Broccoli Tortillas!

Armadillomon: Mmm, boy! They shore do sound delicious! Ah cahn’t wait to try ‘em!

Mrs. Kamiya goes on to list the ingredients, which, believe me, you do NOT want to know.

Armadillomon turns green.

Mrs. Kamiya: Are you okay?

Armadillomon: Yah.... shore... s’just gonna be lahke ice-cream... that’s tasty, but y’all just don’t wanna know what they put in it...

Mrs. Kamiya: Firstly, blend all your ingredients in a bowl...

Armadillomon pulls out a bowl and hands her the electric mixer.

Mrs. Kamiya: *mixing* ...then, when you’re done with that, leave the mixture to stand over night.

Mrs. Kamiya puts the bowl under the counter, and pulls out another one.

Mrs. Kamiya: Here’s one I made yesterday. It’s just right!

Armadillomon peers into the bowl, and is pretty sure that the contents of the bowl are peering back at him.

Mrs. Kamiya: Preheat your oven to 10,000 degrees, and pour the mixture out on to a baking tray.

Armadillomon cowers as the oven shakes and churns behind him, while Mrs. Kamiya whistles as she pours the mixture out on to the baking tray, making six circles of medium size.

Mrs. Kamiya: Now, put them in the oven for ten minutes.

Mrs. Kamiya puts the tray in the oven, and Armadillomon is sure that he hears little squeals as it goes in. Mrs. Kamiya pulls out another tray.

Mrs. Kamiya: I put these ones in just before the show, so they’re ready to eat!

Armadillomon: Y’know... Ah reckon Ah’m gonna pass on this... Ah’m feeling kahnda full... WHULP!

Mrs. Kamiya grabs Armadillomon’s nose and force-feeds him a tortilla.

Armadillomon: AAAAaa...a...aaa...aahmmm... hey... *chewing* ...this ain’t bad!

Mrs. Kamiya: And you can fill them with whatever you like for lots of fajita fun!

Armadillomon: Well, Ah’ll be danged. *swallows* Ah’m Armadillomon...

Mrs. Kamiya: ...and I’m Mrs. Kamiya...

Armadillomon: ...and this has been...

Both: ...“Hey... What Smells?”

The credits roll, and they go backstage.

Armadillomon: Thank y’kahndly for the snack, ma’am.

Mrs. Kamiya: My pleasure! I’m glad you liked it!

Armadillomon: Y’know... we should get together again sometahme...

Cody walks in from off screen and drags Armadillomon away before he makes the fic utterly tasteless.

Armadillomon: CALL ME!

Crap... too late.

Censor Bob waves his arms at Angemon again.

Angemon: I COULD have had a real job, y’know... but NOOO... I had to work at FOX... mother warned me, but did I listen...? *sigh* Hey kids! It’s time to pay a visit to... “Puppetmon’s Playroom!”

“Pop Goes the Weasel” plays as the camera pans across Puppetmon’s room (as seen in the show), which is strewn with toy solider, building blocks, and various other toys. As the music stops, the camera settles on Deramon, who is bound to a chair by his wrists and ankles.

Deramon: Y... you gotta get outta here, kids... h-he could be back at any minute... ya... ya gotta get out while you still c-

Puppetmon (v/o): Who are you talking to in there?

Deramon: Oh... oh Jesus... he’s back...! You gotta get out! Run, kids! Run for your li-

A large mallet appears in front of the camera, and the screen dissolves into static.

Censor Joe slaps his forehead.

Censor Joe: Cut to commercials!

Puppetmon: What? What’d I do?

<commercial>

WarGreymon and Machinedramon stand next to each other. WarGreymon points at Machinedramon.

WarGreymon: This is your brain.

WarGreymon disappears in a flash of light, and reappears on the other side of Machinedramon.

WarGreymon: This is your brain on drugs.

Machinedramon groans, and falls to bits.

WarGreymon: Any questions?

</commercial>

The commercials continue to roll, as Datamon sweeps up the remains of Machinedramon. Censor Joe is talking with Piedmon and Myotismon.

Censor Joe: NO, NO, NO!

Piedmon: But whyyyy?

Censor Joe: This is family station! I’m not running a show like this!

Myotismon: Aw, but I spent the last whole five minutes writing the script...!

Censor Joe throws the script on to the pile of Machinedramon bits as Datamon passes.

Censor Joe: I am NOT screening a show called “The Gays of Our Lives!” Now BEAT IT!

Censor Bob: Joe, keep it down! Angemon! Line!

Angemon: I’m going home to my parents after this... Got a problem that you think no-one can help with? Well, maybe our resident expert on that sort of thing can help you out! It’s time for “Ask Ichijouji!”

The camera opens on a set which is rather dull and grey, as Ken sits behind a desk, on which a phone sits.

Ken: Hi everyone. I’m here... well, because I’m going to lose pay if I don’t do this... but other than that, I’m here to try and help you. If you’ve got a problem... if no-one else can help... and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... the A-- oh, no, wait a minute, sorry, wrong show. Oh, I see we have a caller on line one...

Ken picks up the receiver and presses the button.

Ken: Tell Doctor Ken where it hurts.

Paildramon (v/o, on phone): Well, I... NNGH...!

Ken: Are you okay?

Paildramon: *ExVeemon’s voice* No, sorry, I’m absolutely fine, musta dialled the wrong number! I’ll just... NNGH! *Stingmon’s voice* HELP ME! NNGH! *ExVeemon* Heh, heh, sorry about that, just someone else in the room... NNGH! *Stingmon* We HAVE a problem! You can’t deny it! *ExVeemon* There’s nothin’ WRONG with us! We just need to ADJUST...

Ken: Well, I know what it’s like to have two conflicting personalities...

Paildramon: HELP ME!!

Ken: I’d advise you to...

Paildramon: *ExVeemon* We don’t NEED any stinkin’ help! *Stingmon* I say we DO! *ExVeemon* And I say we DON’T! *Stingmon* Don’t make me MAKE you... *ExVeemon* C’mon, then!

There’s a *clonk* noise on the other end of the line as Paildramon hits himself in the head.

Ken drums his fingers and listens.

Paildramon: *ExVeemon* Oh, YEAH? *Stingmon* YEAAH!

*clonk*

Paildramon: *ExVeemon* Oh, YEAH? *Stingmon* YEAAH!

*clonk* *clonk*

Silence.

Ken: Well, that was certainly... interesting. I see we have more callers... and as our first one seems to have knocked himself unconscious, let’s move on.

Ken pushes the second button.

Ken: Tell Doctor Ken where it hurts.

Arukenimon (v/o): Yeah, uh, hi... I’ve got this problem... it’s this guy...

Ken: Ah, a little romantic trouble?

Arukenimon: Yeah... it’s, like, I REALLY like him, but sometimes, I don’t think he even notices me, let alone cares. I try really hard to make him notice...

Ken: Uh... hmn. In honestly, I know exactly how this guy feels... I’m personally in the same situation myself, without naming names. *Ken notices two blinking lights on the phone* Excuse me one minute... *presses the second one* Tell Doctor Ken wh-

Piedmon: I DON’T LOVE HER! TELL HER TO STAY AWAY FROM ME!!

Ken: I’m sure she heard that. *hits the other button*

Yolei: Are you talking about me, Kenny? DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Ken slams the phone down.

Ken: Dammit, she found me again... can I get outta here yet?

Censor Joe, standing at the edge of the set, shakes his head and taps his watch. He points at the phone. Ken sighs and picks it up again, hitting the fifth button and swiftly disconnecting the other calls.

Ken: What’s wrong with YOU, you nutjob?

Willis (v/o): People are always ignoring me. It’s like... they think I don’t exist!

Ken shakes the phone.

Ken: Hello? Hello?

Willis: Aw, for... this isn’t FUNNY...

Ken: I’m sorry, I’m not hearing anything... is this line disconnected?

Censor Joe shrugs.

Willis: Well, it could be worse... you could have asked me what I was talking about.

Ken: *hangs up the phone* Stupid prank callers... sorry, but that’s all the time we’ve got for “Ask Ichijouji!” I hope that I was able to help some of you... but mostly, I hope I never have to do this again. Bye now!

<commercial>

Lipstick?

$5

Year’s supply of magic hankies?

$70

Having your observatory base fitted with a trapeze?

$200

The look on your face when you get sucked through a Gate of Destiny into a purplish-pink oblivion for all eternity?

Priceless.

There are some things money can’t buy.

For everything else, there’s DarkMastercard.

Piedmon: Accepted even in... *looks over his shoulder* ...special areas.

</commercial>

Censor Joe is on the phone with Vader again.

Vader (v/o): The power supply is almost up and running again... we just need you to keep broadcasting for a little longer.

Censor Joe: But we’re out of shows...

Vader (v/o): Well, come up with something!

Vader hangs up, and Censor Joe looks at the script sitting on top of the pile of Machinedramon parts. He chews his lip. Andromon taps him on the shoulder.

Andromon: ‘scuse me?

Censor Joe: TELL me you have a show.

Andromon: I do!

Censor Joe: I love you.

The commercials end.

Angemon: I’m dyin’ over here... now it’s time for Digi-Epardy!

Some crazy music plays at the camera opens on a flashy, glittery red set. Andromon stands at the main podium.

Andromon: Hello everyone, and welcome to Digi-Epardy! I’m your host, Andromon - but you can call me Alex. Give a warm welcome to our contests!

The first of three podiums on the left lights up, revealing Izzy.

Andromon: Our first guest tonight - if you’re American - Izzy! Or, if you’re Japanese... or... y’know... an American who wants to be Japanese really, really badly... Izumi Koushiro!

Izzy waves. The second podium lights up, revealing Yolei.

Andromon: Second, say hello to Yolei - if you’re American, that is. If you’re Japanese, or an American with no time for your own culture, say hi to Inoue Miyako!

Yolei waves. The third podium lights up, revealing Kari.

Andromon: And finally, if you’re American, give a welcome to Kari Kamiya - or if you’re Japanese... or a WEIRDO... say hello to Yagami Hikari!

Kari waves.

(Author’s Note - Hey, readers! Play along with the game at home!)

Andromon: Tonight’s categories are: Edits, Dubbing, Edits and Dubbing, and Cantaloupes.

Kari: I’ll take Dubbing for $100, Alex.

Andromon: The dubbed line from “The Battle For Earth,” when Kari first sees Salamon, despite the fact that the Kamiyas already own a cat.

Kari: I know that one - what is “Our apartment doesn’t allow pets”?

Andromon: Correct for $100.

Kari: Dubbing for $200.

Andromon: The line from “Playing Games,” when Tentomon screws up his attack name.

Kari: Uhm... what is... uhm... dammit. Pass.

ENNNT!

Andromon: I’m sorry, it was - what is “Electro Shocker”? Yolei, you’re up.

Yolei: I’ll take Edits and Dubbing for $100.

Andromon: “I’ll destroy you in a minute, but first, I’ve gotta scratch my leg.”

Yolei: What is the line the Censors created to cover up Puppetmon’s gun?

Andromon: Correct! Next?

Yolei: Edits for $100.

Andromon: A woman who would only give Matt a lift in her car.

Yolei: What was cut from “Almost Home Free”?

Andromon: Correct again!

Yolei: Dubbing for $300.

Andromon: He was made into Sora’s cousin.

Yolei: Oh, crap... I KNOW this one... I know it... dammit!

ENNNT!!

Andromon: I’m sorry, it was - what was changed about the stranger who picked the kids up in “Almost Home Free.” Izzy?

Izzy: Cantaloupes for $100, Alex.

Andromon: The fic after the next one.

Izzy: Ah, simple! That is when the Fantom will finally be unmasked, and more on the ongoing mystery of the cantaloupes shall be divulged! *Izzy winks at the camera*

ENNNT!!!

Izzy: Wha-AAT?!

Andromon: Sorry, you forgot to phrase your response in the form of a question.

Izzy: AARGH!

The game continues for a while, until it’s Izzy’s turn again.

Izzy: Cantaloupes for $300! I’m not letting FRUIT beat me!

Andromon: The identity of the Fantom.

Izzy: Ah! Well, using my superior brain power, I have composed a list of subjects who I think could be the miscreant. The first and most likely suspect -

ENNNT!!!!

Andromon: You need to be more concise, I’m afraid - you’re out of time.

Izzy: DAMMIT!

Andromon: It was - who is-

Angemon: We interrupt this show to return you to your regularly scheduled programming!

Angela Anaconda appears on screen, performing her usual two-dimensional, deformed, colourless woman-child antics.

Censor Joe strolls out on to the Digi-Epardy set. Bob, Steve and Jeff Nimoy follow him.

Censor Joe: They got the power back up.

Andromon: Obviously. *mutter* I wanted to finish my show...

Most of the other kids and Digimon, looking considerably the worse for wear, gather around.

Hawkmon: What do you suppose that escapade was all in aid of?

There’s a snarl, and a sandbag falls on top of Nimoy.

Nimoy: Owies...

The Fantom appears in his usual cloud of smoke.

Fantom: Curse you all! I attempted to break your spirits, but you won out!

Sora: Break our spirits? What are you ON, you loon?

Fantom: Well, I’ve HAD it! It’s all over now! No more Mr. Nice Fantom! The final curtain will soon fall... and you shall all be smothered beneath it!

The Fantom vanishes again.

Joe: That guy needs to work on his people skills.

T.K.: Well, going by what he said, there’s one thing to look forward to - this whole stupid story is going to be over soon.

Matt: What do you suppose this nimrod wants, anyway?

Izzy: To break our spirits, apparently.

Tai: Well, duh, genius, we all have ears. But WHY?

Izzy pulls out Charlene.

Charlene: ‘bout - time - I - got - a - mention!

Izzy then proceeds to whack Tai on the head with Charlene.

Izzy: Don’t patronise me!

Charlene: Harder - Izzy! Harder!

Everyone blinks at looks at Charlene and Izzy.

Charlene & Izzy: What?

Chris (v/o, behind fourth wall): Let’s just stop this here for now, ‘kay?

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TO BE CONTINUED!

Tune in next time for the first part of the two-part conclusion to the Fantom saga...

“SOMEBODY SET US UP THE BOMB!”

Part Six of “The Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom!”

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I need reviews somethin' fierce! C'mon, give me some! Pleeeeease? ^_^ And if you have any theories on the Fantom's identity, now's the time to speak up, before he's unmasked!

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