DISCLAIMER: I don't own Digimon, nor do I own "The Real Slim Shady," though I don't know why anyone would think I WOULD. The idea of "The Real Digi-Kaiser" was originated by Susan, a regular poster at Alt.Fan.Digimon, and then used by me in "Have Yourself a Digi Little Christmas...!" I went for broke and wrote this full version. ^_^ Censor Joe and the Fantom are both my characters.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is designed as a brief musical interlude to my current running humour-fic-arc, "The Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom." However, it can be read ENTIRELY on it's own - there's no continuity to the main bulk of the fic itself, which is, obviously, the song parody. However, if you don't know who Censor Joe or the Fantom are, you can go and read some of my other humour fics for the big piccy.

This fic was originally going to have an audio accompaniment, but I scrapped the idea. Instead, here's a nice pic:

http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/digipedia/kaiser.html

(Ken is dressed in his Emperor togs in the fic - this pic is just for fun).

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“THE REAL DIGI-KAISER!”

A “Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom” interlude!

By Chris “I am NOT an Eminem fan!” McFeely

- - -

We open in a room of reasonable size. At the front, on a raised platform, is a big-screen TV. Really big. Rows of metal folding chairs line the rest of the room. Censor Joe walks in from the left, and addresses the readers.

Censoe Joe: Hi everyone. We’re sorry, but right now, we’re wrapped up filling out paperwork and sorting out the red tape and paying bills and stuff that all the Fantom’s “accidents” have caused. So, we don’t have time to run around and act stupid this fic.

The readers whine.

Censor Joe: Calm down, calm down. Instead, we’re going to show you some very special footage.

Joe pulls a video cassette out from under his jacket.

Censor Joe: This is five minutes worth of footage that was cut from the Japanese shows - we’re not sure what episode it was taken out of, we just know it was before “An Old Enemy Returns.” We got Ken to record it in English for us, just for you lot. Have fun.

Joe slots the tape into the TV’s VCR, and walks off to the right. The TV blinks into life.

On screen, there’s an image of Wormmon tinkering with a microphone. The rest of the room is darkened.

Ken (v/o): Wormmon, are you nearly ready over there?

Wormmon: I’m just testing the microphone for you, master.

Ken (v/o): Okay, well, make it snappy.

Wormmon: Okay... uh... testing... testing... one, two... testing... Okay, we are good to go!

Ken (v/o): Then let’s get going!

Wormmon: And a one, and a two, and a one-two-three four...

The music starts.

(Wormmon)
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Digi-Kaiser please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Digi-Kaiser please stand up?
...We're gonna have a problem here....

A spotlight appears in the darkness, striking Ken, (in his Digimon Emperor outfit) as he begins singing.

(Ken)
You act like you never seen an Emperor before,
Jaws all on the floor,
Living in fear like little Wormmon here,
Getting a whipping from me, right on his rear,
He’s not of good cheer,
Whining constantly in my ear!
(Wormmon)
Let’s just do things safely?
Awww... listen to me, please, Ken!
(Ken)
He didn't just say what I think he did,
Did he?
And Ken - that’s me - said...
Nothing you idiots, Ichijouji’s dead,
There’s only the Kaiser now!
(Wormmon)
I’m his partner, he’s not so bad,
The DigiDestined don’t understand,
They’re sick of him, and his Dark Rings,
Flying around, grabbing Digimon,
And making them like him!
(Ken)
Yeah, but I’m so cute, though!
(Wormmon)
He’s probably got a couple of screws up in his head loose,
But that’s because of his parents’... well... not ABUSE...
But sometimes, they just weren’t much use...
But I know they love him... I just wish he could see that truth...
(Ken)
My hand is on my whip! My hand is on my whip!
And if you’re lucky, there’s a possiblity I might just miss!
And that's the message that I deliver to DigiDestined,
And expect them all to know what a Control Spire is,
Of course they're gonna know what a DigiVice is!
(Wormmon)
They can’t see you’ve got it made!
They’ve haven’t discovered your aim, have they?
(Ken)
I’m nothing but a cool guy,
So what if I’ve got big eyes?
It’s always fun to hear my victims’ cries,
But the Digi-World’s not real - not land or sea or sky,
So there's no reason to feel sad when a Digimon goes and dies,
I hate those DigiDestined, and their stupid cry -
Shouting with their voices high “Digi-Armour, ENERGISE!”

(Chorus)(Ken)
I'm the Digi-Kaiser, yes, I'm the real Kaiser,
All you other Digi-Kaisers are none the wiser,
So wont the real Digi-Kaiser please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
‘Cause I'm the Digi-Kaiser, yes, I'm the real Kaiser,
All you other Digi-Kaisers are none the wiser,
So wont the real Digi-Kaiser please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?

(Ken)
Devimon got to use those Black Gears to be all evil,
So I’m copying him, and it’s working, too!
You think I give a damn about Digimon?
They’re not even real, so I just wont care when they’re all up and gone!
(Wormmon)
But Ken, what if you just listened to me?
(Ken)
Why? So you can just sit there and whine at me,
So you can piss me off, like you want to be
On the end of my whip - well, what d’you say, do you?
(Wormmon)
No, I want to try and help you, Ken, your head’s a real mess!
Can’t you see that I love you for your kindness?
(Ken)
Little worm, don’t presume to know about me!
Yeah, I’m cute, but I’m also able to get nasty!
I should whip you your ass for that, worthless flea!
(Wormmon)
But then what in the world would you do without me?
I know deep inside you’re a normal boy, Ken,
I don’t mean to annoy you,
But I fear your evil will destroy you!
(Ken)
But there's a million of kids just like me!
(Wormmon)
Who plot like you, who plan to conquer worlds like you?
Who dress like you, in disco suits like you?
(Ken)
Shut up and quit your snivelling - here’s the chorus, help me sing!

(Chorus)(Ken and Wormmon simultaneously)
I'm the Digi-Kaiser, yes, I'm the real Kaiser, (He’s the Digi-Kaiser, yes, he’s the real Kaiser)
All you other Digi-Kaisers are none the wiser,
So wont the real Digi-Kaiser please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
‘Cause I'm the Digi-Kaiser, yes, I'm the real Kaiser, (‘Cause he’s the Digi-Kaiser, yes, he’s the real Kaiser)
All you other Digi-Kaisers are none the wiser,
So wont the real Digi-Kaiser please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?

(Ken)
I am the head guy to listen to,
‘Cause I'm only giving you rings,
To make you serve without questioning my orders, fools!
(Wormmon)
The only difference between me and you is your ‘tude!
(Ken)
In front of you, I don’t have to be false or sugar-coated at all,
I just get out my whip and lash it!
(Wormmon)
But whether you like to admit it,
You just miss your brother, and want you and him together again!
(Ken)
And you wonder how can
I beat up Digimon like animals?
It's funny, ‘cause at the rate I'm going when I'm thirty
I'll be the only person in the DigiWorld to hurt you!
Beating Wormmon’s ass, and when I'm easing off from badness,
Your only feeling - as I’m still here here with you - will be gladness!
In every single person there's a Digi-Kaiser lurking!
But I’m the only one that there’s gonna be because I’m perfect!
But there could be others, working hard on their computers and stuff,
With their Windows open and speakers up,
So will the real Kaiser please stand up?
And put one of those dark Spires, on each land, up,
And be proud to be in your right mind and still in control!
And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?

(Chorus)(Ken)
I'm the Digi-Kaiser, yes, I'm the real Kaiser,
All you other Digi-Kaisers are none the wiser,
So wont the real Digi-Kaiser please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
‘Cause I'm the Digi-Kaiser, yes, I'm the real Kaiser,
All you other Digi-Kaisers are none the wiser,
So wont the real Digi-Kaiser please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?

(Chorus)(Ken and Wormmon simultaneously)
I'm the Digi-Kaiser, yes, I'm the real Kaiser, (He’s the Digi-Kaiser, yes, he’s the real Kaiser)
All you other Digi-Kaisers are none the wiser,
So wont the real Digi-Kaiser please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
‘Cause I'm the Digi-Kaiser, yes, I'm the real Kaiser, (‘Cause he’s the Digi-Kaiser, yes, he’s the real Kaiser)
All you other Digi-Kaisers are none the wiser,
So wont the real Digi-Kaiser please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?

(Wormmon)
I guess there’s a little Digi-Kaiser in all of us... let’s all stand up!

Abruptly, the TV winks off, and the entire room goes dark. Off to the side, there’s a bunch of yells, and the maelific, echoing laughter of the FOX Kids Fantom rings out!

- - -

THE END.... but it’s really TO BE CONTINUED!

NEXT: “IT’S ONLY TV... BUT I LIKE IT!” - the Fantom cuts power to all studios in the FOX Kids building, and the cast has to run the whole station by themselves! This one’s gonna be CRAZY, kids!

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C'mon.... review? Please? I need reviews... every time you review, an Angemon gets it's wings! ^_^