Chris (that’s me) sits at his desk, with a stack of paper in front of him - it’s the paperwork he needs to fill out after the rented hall in which the Christmas Party was held in was destroyed (back in “Have Yourself A Digi Little Christmas..!”).

Chris: *sigh* I should have filled out these forms months ago... let’s see here... three of four walls destroyed... *scribbles on the form* ... I can get Charlene to pony up for that, it’s her fault... hole in ceiling... that’s the Censors’ fault...

Chris continues to fill out the forms, until he comes to the catering ones.

Chris: Damn caterers tried to gouge me for this... let’s see here... cocktail wieners... okay... little quiches... yeah, yeah... melon balls? Nobody ate those... they were taken back by the company...

Chris gets a phone, and dials up the company.

Chris: Yeah, hello? I’m calling about MELON BALLS, buster!

Chris explains the situation...

Chris: ...and I’m still being charged for them. I was told if I wasn’t happy, I wouldn’t be charged, and I wasn’t happy with my damn melon balls!

*pause*

Chris: ...you didn’t take them back? What do you take me for? You’re GOUGING ME!

Chris slams the phone down.

Chris: *mutters angrily* Didn’t take them back, indeed... where the hell else did they go, then?

- - -

“THE CANTALOUPE CONSPIRACY!”

(Part One of “Fruit of the DOOM!”)

By Chris McFeely

- - -

Int. the Censors’ office... the Censors enter.

Censor Joe: *drops his clipboard on the table* That’s it! It’s all over! We’ve finished recording Season Two!

Censor Bob: Now let’s all get drunk and celebrate!

Censor Steve: Sure is a good thing that we managed to discover that the Fantom - the mysterious individual who had been causing accidents around the studio and hampering our productivity - was actually our head writer Jeff Nimoy who was being helped out by his evil twin brother, Clark, and were able to finish recording the episodes!

Censor Steve winks at the camera for the benefit of any new readers out there.

Censor Joe: Yup, that sure was a good thing.

A cantaloupe rolls along the floor, past the Censors, and out down the hall.

Censor Bob: ...oh, yeah... there’s still THAT to sort out though.

Censor Steve: Don’t worry, I think it gets dealt with this fic.

- - -

The cantaloupe continues to roll along the ground, until it goes out into the main studio, past everyone who’s standing around. Tentomon sees it.

Tentomon: AUUGH!

Tentomon jumps into Izzy’s arms.

Tentomon: I’ve seen enough cantaloupes to last me a lifetime!

Izzy: Get off of me.

Tentomon: You love your computer more than me...

Charlene: Damn - right - bitch.

The cantaloupe rolls by Veemon, who watches it go, until it has disappeared into the shadows.

Veemon: That’sh mighty shtrange, eh, Davish?

Davis: You said it. I mean, of all the weird subplots we could have, we get fruit?

Armadillomon scuttles past.

Armadillomon: Well, Ah’m sick of watchin’ all these tasty morsels come ‘n’ go! Ah’m havin’ me a snack!

Armadillomon scuttles after the cantaloupe, squirming in under the various crates and boxes that the cantaloupe disappeared near.

Armadillomon: C’m out, c’m out whereevah y’are... Ah only wanna eat y’all...

Everyone’s attention is turned as Armadillomon suddenly screams and leaps back out from under the crates.

Cody: What is it?

Armadillomon: Somethin’ real bad! Armadillomon, Armour Digivolve to... Digmon! The Drill of Knowledge!

Digmon: Gold Rush!

Digmon blows up the crates... but there’s nothing underneath them.

Digmon: Ah coulda sworn...

Ken: What did you see?

Digmon: A dang ol’ pair of eyes, starin’ right back at me! Big nasty ones, too!

Tai: Well, there’s nothing here now... are you sure?

Digmon: Sure as shootin’!

Digmon De-Digivolves back into Armadillomon.

Cody: You need to stop eating cheese before you go to bed.

Armadillomon: Shut the hell up, runt. Ah’ll eat whatevah the hell Ah damn well please, and Ah might start with your HEAD if’n you don’t watch yer mouth.

Cody curls up into the fetal position as Armadillomon snarls.

Chris enters, carrying a stack of paper.

Izzy: Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be on the other side of that?

Izzy points at the fourth wall.

Chris: This is business. Charlene, you owe me ten thousand dollars.

Charlene’s screensaver appears on her screen.

Charlene: I’m - sorry - but - Charlene’s - not - in - at - the - moment... please - hang - up - and - try - your - call - again - later... a - LOT- later...

Chris turns to Izzy.

Chris: The rental company needs paying for all the damage she did to the hall at Christmas, and I’m lookin’ at you.

Izzy: Erm... hey, what’s that over there?

Izzy points, and Chris looks.

Izzy: YOINK!

Izzy runs off and hides behind a backdrop.

Chris: *sigh* Anyone know where the Censors are?

Matt: Said there were going to the cafeteria.

Chris: Watching them eat is a sight no man should have to witness. *sigh again* Guess I’ll just hang around here then... oh, by the way, at the party, did you eat any of the melon balls?

Armadillomon: Those thangs were disgustin’. I only ate seven.

Everyone else shakes their heads - they didn’t eat any.

Chris: Huh.. well, there were a lot more than seven in the bowl. Nobody ate them, but when things were getting cleaned up after the party, the dish was empty, so I thought the catering company took ‘em back.

Sora: “Took them back?”

Chris: It was a cheap catering company, okay? Anyway, they say they didn’t. So I’m left with the check for them, but I don’t know what happened to them.

A cantaloupe falls from the rafters and lands on Hawkmon’s head.

Joe: Well, you can see we have fruit-related problems of our own around here.

Chris: Of course I know that, I’m writing the story. But while I’m on the other side of the wall, I just have to pretend like I don’t know what’s going on...

Yolei pokes the cantaloupe with her foot, and it suddenly bounces up off the ground and smacks her in the forehead.

Yolei: Ow! What the...?

Mimi: This is getting just a bit too weird...

Another cantaloupe bounces down from a stack of crates, and whacks Davis on the back of the head.

Davis: Hey!

Two more cantaloupes roll in from outside, and nail Tai and Matt in their guts.

Tai: Oof! What’s going ON?

Matt: Ow! It’s like these things are... alive!

A fifth and final cantaloupe rolls back out from where the smashed remains of the crates lie.

Armadillomon: Ah told you there was somethin’ fishy goin’ on!

The fifth cantaloupe comes to a stop, and the other four roll towards, until they are all sitting in a line. Then, in perfect unison, eyes open on each of the cantaloupes - baleful glowing yellow eyes, which stare up at the kids and Digimon.

Armadillomon: Ah was rahght! Ah was rahght!

The fifth cantaloupe smacks Armadillomon in the jaw.

Ken peers down at the line of cantaloupes, which stare back.

Ken: What... ARE you?

The cantaloupes respond by all bouncing off the ground and striking Ken in various places on his body.

Izzy peers out from behind his backdrop hiding place.

Izzy: Inconceivable!

The cantaloupes begin ricocheting around the room, bouncing off walls and smashing into anybody or anything that happens to get in their way. For some inexplicable, author-created reason, they don’t hit Chris.

Chris: It’s good to be the king.

Everyone lies on the floor as the fruit bounces around them.

Ken: What in the name of hell is HAPPENING?!

Izzy crawls over.

Izzy: I think this proves the theory that I’ve been working on over the last week or two. The revelation of the missing melon balls...

T.K.: Sounds like an Agatha Christie novel...

Izzy: ...is the final piece of the puzzle.

*FLASHBACK*

Four and a half months ago, at the Christmas party...

(From “Have Yourself a Digi Little Christmas...!”)

All: ...FOR CHRISTMAS DAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!

As the music fades out, bells start ringing in the distance, for some odd reason. Charlene hurls herself from Infermon’s back and lands in Izzy’s arms.

Charlene: Oh - Izzy! I’m - so - sorry! Can - you - ever - forgive - me?

Izzy: Of course!

Infermon: HEY! What about ME?

Charlene: Sorry - Infie - but - it’s - over.

Infermon: Raagh! I’ll kill ALL of you!

Charlene: I - don’t - think - so.

Inside Charlene, there is a buzz and a click... and Infermon simply disappears.

The Censors fly off, and everyone gets down to some serious partying... but on the spot where Infermon stood... a wisp of translucent black mist hovers...

Izzy (v/o, narrating): When Charlene disconnected her Internet connection, thus severing Infermon’s link to the real world, he simply disappeared - but a small portion of the virus that created him remained behind. It searched for a host...

The black mist moves silently, unseen by anyone, towards the refreshment table, where Machinedramon is sitting. It floats towards him... but then he gets up, and lumbers off. Everyone else is on the other side of the room... and the mist’s energy is depleting rapidly... there’s not enough time... the mist swirls around, and spots a bowl of melon balls on the table... the mist forms arms, which shrug, and it dives into the bowl.

Davis (v/o, interrupting Izzy): The virus went into the melon balls?

Ken (v/o): That has to be the most utterly ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

The melon balls quietly bounce out of the dish, and roll away into the shadows...

*END FLASHBACK*

Tai: So... the melon balls... Digivolved? Into these cantaloupes?

Izzy: Yes.

A cantaloupe beans Agumon in the head.

Chris: Well frickin’ done, it took you long enough to figure out! Now, get on to the part about the energy matrix...

Izzy: Yes, yes. I believe that the virus uses an energy matrix - a hive mind, if you will - to link all the disparate cantaloupes. They projected this matrix on Tentomon...

Izzy gestures at Tentomon, who has gone catatonic after the sight of all these cantaloupes.

Izzy: ...forcing him to round up and care for all of the members of the hive mind. However, the virus soon developed a new plan...

Two cantaloupes smash into either side of Kari’s head.

Izzy: ...the virus used the energy matrix to force Tentomon to being eating the cantaloupes. While the number of cantaloupes was gradually reduced, however, the size of the energy matrix remained the same.

Matt: So you’re saying, the more cantaloupes Tentomon ate, the more powerful the remaining ones became?

Izzy: Exactly. The problem was, we were all so preoccupied with the Fantom that we weren’t paying enough attention to realise the magnitude of what was going on.

Charlene carefully bounces her way over to Izzy.

Charlene: Okay - so - it’s - great - that - we - know - all - this - now - - - but - how - do - we - STOP - them?!

Izzy: Well, if we knew for sure why the virus was doing this - what it hopes to gain by empowering these five lone fruits with the energy of their brothers and sisters...

Charlene: *BLEEP!* I’m - detecting - a - HUGE - energy - surge - Izzy! It’s - coming - from - them!

The cantaloupes bouncing begins to slow down, as all five of them begin to glow. They bounce to a stop, sitting in various places on the floor. The entire studio has been wrecked.

Izzy frantically taps keys on Charlene.

Izzy: Amazing! They’re manifesting the energy matrix... I... I think they’re going to...

The cantaloupes, glowing brightly, all begin to roll towards a spot in the middle of the room. Picking up speed as they roll, they all collide into each other, in an awesome display of light. A spiralling column of light shoots upward, dispersing and floating back down like a waterfall at the top.

Cantaloupes: DNA DIGIVOLVE TOOOOOOO...!!!

The light becomes so intense that nobody can look at it, but when it begins to subside, everyone stares. The column of light dissolves... and in it’s place, spinning over and over... is a giant watermelon. The melon spins a few more times, drops to the floor, bounces up, spins again, and then settles down.

Davis: What... is it?

Yolei: Well, Davis, it’s what appears to be a watermelon. Oh, wait... *looks closely* ...yes, it IS most definitely a watermelon.

Everyone moves towards the watermelon, which is about three or four times the size of a normal watermelon, when suddenly, a set of glowing yellow eyes appear on the front of the melon. Everyone jumps back.

Ken: Okay... well... now instead of a bunch of little fruits with eyes, we just have one big fruit with eyes. That should make it a little easier...

Just as Ken finishes speaking, a split appears along the length of the watermelon, and it opens, revealing the fleshy pink inside - in imitation of a mouth.

Ken: Okay, so it’s got a mouth...

The watermelon bounces into the air again, and two long, spindly black legs sprout from either end of it. The clawed feet hit the floor, and then two stubby clawed hands pop out from the portion of the melon that could now be considered it’s underbelly.

Watermelon Creature: ...WATERMELOMON!!!

Ken: So it’s got legs, we can still... ah, just forget it...

Izzy holds out Charlene, and she scans the new Digimon.

Charlene: He’s - an - ugly - sucker...

The Digimon Analyser opens on Charlene’s screen, displaying the creature’s information.

(To see the Digimon Analyser for WaterMelomon, click HERE - it’s another of those interactive thingies!)

WaterMelomon: I’m WaterMelomon, an Ultimate level Digimon, and the secret truth behind the mystery of the cantaloupes! My Seed Strike attack is sure to cut you up!

Izzy: Most prodigious! The cantaloupes DNA Digivolved!

WaterMelomon: That’s right! And now the virus is concentrated within one body, and stronger than it ever was with Infermon, Diaboromon, or even Kokomon!

Yolei: *whispers to Kari* Kokomon? Who’s that?

Kari: *whispers back* Beats me...

Willis screams in the background and the sounds of tearing hair can be heard.

Ken: So you think you’re a tough guy? We’ll, let’s just see how tough you are!

Ken whips out his D-3.

Ken: Go for it, Wormmon!

Wormmon: Wormmon, Digivolve to... Stingmon!

Stingmon lunges toward WaterMelomon, who simply hops up into the air.

WaterMelomon: MELON KICK!

WaterMelomon’s two spindly legs shoot out with surprising force, and slam into Stingmon hard enough to send him flying back across the room, to crash into a wall, and De-Digivolve back into Wormmon.

Wormmon: Urgh... French Toast please, waitress...

Wormmon keels over.

Everyone else whips out their DigiVices and D-3s.

WaterMelomon: No you don’t! SEED STRIKE!

WaterMelomon opens his mouth, and a barrage of rock hard seeds blast outward in an arc, like machine gun fire, knocking the devices from everyone’s hands.

WaterMelomon: Ahahahaha! Catch you later, losers!

Leaping with huge strides, WaterMelomon bounds out of the studio and disappears.

Davis picks up his D-3.

Davis: We can’t let him get away!

Armadillomon: Yeah... he looked mighty tasty!

Everyone’s DigiVice and D-3s blare into life.

Agumon: Agumon, Digivolve to... Greymon!

Gabumon: Gabumon, Digivolve to... Garurumon!

Biyomon: Biyomon, Digivolve to... Birdramon!

Tentomon: *chokes on his own phlegm*

Palmon: Palmon, Digivolve to... Togemon!

Gomamon: Gomamon, Digivolve to... Ikkakumon!

Patamon: Patamon, Digivolve to... Angemon!

Veemon: Veemon, Digivolve to... ExVeemon!

Hawkmon: Hawkmon, Digivolve to... Aquilamon!

Armadillomon: Armadillomon, Digivolve to... Ankylomon!

Chris (speaks into camera): See, kids, this is what we call padding - this fic is running a little short, and I’m just chucking this in to make it SEEM like it lasts a bit longer, when you’ve all really seen it before. Anyway, my work here is done...

Chris clambers back over the fourth wall to resume his position as author and all-knowing oracle of stuff.

Ken picks up Wormmon and everyone runs out of the hall, after WaterMelomon. Izzy drags Tentomon along, as Charlene bounces behind him.

Devimon floats in from off-screen.

Devimon: What does WaterMelomon seek to do? Does he have more powers that the DigiDestined are unaware of? What surprises lurk around the corner? Don’t miss the next Digimon: Digital Monsters!

Devimon floats off.

Devimon: God, I have to pee...

- - -

TO BE CONTINUED!

Follow the action into the next chapter of “Fruit of the DOOM!” -

“THE GRAPES OF WRATH!”

Where WaterMelomon reveals his plans - and you find out why the cantaloupes kept interfering during the Fantom arc! And around the bend, a surprise is lurking for Ken!

- - -

Isn't it just the dumbest thing EVER? Review!

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