- - -
Leomon has returned to the bar, where he continues to serve
drinks. The various audience members stand around talking.
Kari: Y'know, T.K., I don't like our chances for Favourite Couple
in the next section... did you see how many votes we got for it
in the last one?
Charlene: Personally - I'd - have - to - say - that - you -
shouldn't - worry - about - what - other - people - think.
Kari: *sips her drink* You're just saying that because you're a
computer.
Charlene: You - wanna - take - this - outside?
Izzy picks Charlene up and walks away, quickly.
Charlene: I - could'a - taken - her...
In another part of the room...
Machinedramon: I. Feel. A. Great. Joy. In. Being. Here. This.
Year. I. Think. The. Christmas. Spirit. Has. Got. To. Me.
MetalSeadramon: Daah...
Digitamamon: I theenk I'll take that as a "me too."
Devimon: It seems to me that Chris is trying to have a different
person present each award this year, without repeating, unlike
last year. Even with the whole cast of 02 and Tamers, he's still
pulling out minor players...
Ryo walks past.
Machinedramon: You. Don't. Get. Much. More. Minor. Than. That.
Elsewhere...
BlackWarGreymon: It would fill my heart with excitement and
happiness to know that I have been invited to this glorious event
of events... would that I could be certain I have one... *swishes
his eggnog around* ...ah, to be like the eggnog...
Oikawa: Do you realise that I've never appeared in a fic before
now?
BlackWarGreymon: Dude, sucks to be you.
The speaker system crackles, and a Bakemon's voice can be heard.
Bakemon (v/o): The Daemon Corps are now ready to make their
musical presentation. If you would all be so kind as to return to
the auditorium...
The collective audience grumbles.
Chris (v/o): RETURN, DAMN YOU!
Slowly but surely, the audience files back into the main hall,
and takes their seats again. The curtains on the stage are drawn.
Chris (v/o): And now we present the musical stylings of Daemon
and his Corps!
The curtains open, to reveal a set piece depicting the interior
of an automotive garage. A car sits on one of the rising
platforms, and two feet poke out from underneath it. Quietly,
music begins to play, as there is a knock at the door. From
outside, it is pushed open, and LadyDevimon enters - wearing a
white dress with red polka dots, and a wide-brimmed hat with a
veil that obscures her face. The trolley rolls out from under the
car, and Daemon gets up off of it - he is wearing a set of denim
overalls, stained with oil and grease.
Daemon: *sings, to the tune of "Uptown Girl," by Billy
Joel*
Dark World Girl!
She's just come in from the darkness world!
She's able to fly high up in the sky,
She'll reformat if she ever dies,
Don't need to ask why,
She's a Dark World Girl!
Gonna help me conquer the real world!
And soon, then, everyone with hot blood dies,
And then swarms of her bats will fill the skies,
Your ass is gonna fry!
MarineDevimon and SkullSatamon appear from either side of the
stage, also in overalls, and start singing back-up.
Daemon:
And when she knows what
I want from her ti-i-ime,
She'll always do it,
And do it so fi-i-ine!
She's joined up with my Corps,
And she'll help me get the Dark Spores!
She's a Dark World Girl!
You know I've seen her in the darkness world!
She's getting ready to obey comm-a-ands!
From me - her boss, her chief, a Dark World 'mon!
Follow my plan!
Daemon, SkullSatamon and MarineDevimon form a single file line,
and dance behind LadyDevimon, and continue to sing.
Daemon:
Dark World Girl!
We'll take over all of the DigiWorld!
Me and my homies will rule all we see-ee!
You'll all rule right there alongside of me!
Dig it, honky?
And when she's stalking
Enemies of mi-i-ine,
She's always talking
'Bout how I'm so fi-i-ine!
They say that she's a whore,
But she'll help me get the Dark Spores!
She's a Dark World Girl!
As they continue to sing, LadyDevimon pulls her hat off,
revealing her face. She pulls her mask on over it, and then
shreds her dress, revealing her familiar costume.
Daemon:
Gonna help me conquer the real world!
And soon, then, everyone with hot blood dies,
And then swarms of her bats will fill the skies,
No need to ask why...
The trio surrounds LadyDevimon, gesturing at her, as she strikes
a pose.
Daemon:
...she's a Dark World girl!
She's a Dark World gi-i-i-i-irl!
She'll get the Dark Spores!
She's a Dark World girl!
She's a Dark World gi-i-i-i-irl!
She'll get the Dark Spores!
She's a Dark World Girl!
She's a Dark World gi-i-i-i-irl...
The music fades out, and the Daemon Corps take a bow, as the
audience claps, somewhat bemused, and the curtains shut.
MarineDevimon reaches out between them again and replaces the
podium. Chris walks out on stage and up to it.
Chris: Weren't they great? Welcome back to:
THE DIGI-AWARDS 2001!
Chris: And now it's time to start:
SECTION TWO: DIGIMON 02 (SEASON TWO)
Chris: And our first category is:
CATEGORY ONE: MOST POPULAR 02 DIGIDESTINED
Chris: To present this one, put your hands together for Rika!
"Bad Reputation" plays, as Rika storms up onto the
stage, and snarls at the audience.
Rika: Of all the stupid, moronic, idiotic...
Chris: Y'know, I'd let you continue to badmouth me, really, I
would, but we're short on time, so, read the votes, awready...
Rika: YOU LEAVE MY MOTHER OUT OF THIS!!
Rika kicks Chris in the shin, and he crumples like a paper towel.
Rika: The votes for Most Popular DigiDestined were:
3 - Kari
3 - T.K.
6 - Yolei
9 - Davis
11 - Ken
Chris (on floor): And in an utterly shocking turn of events, last
year's winner, Cody, failed to get a SINGLE VOTE this year!
Rika: Well, Cody, maybe if you'd SHUT you GODDAMN WHINING MOUTH,
you might have GOTTEN SOME VOTES!
Cody: *sniff*
Rika: Ken, up here. NOW.
Ken goes up onto the stage, and accepts his award from Rika.
Ken: Do we have any fan opinions?
Rika: Just want to have your cake and eat it, don't you?
Chris: I never understood why anyone would want cake if they
couldn't eat it...
Rika kick Chris again.
"Not Yolei, the stupid girl threw away potential... not Ken,
because he got annoying after a while... Davis by a long
shot." - AFD's Susan
"At first I'd say Ken, but Davis really grew on me. Why?
Cause he's funny." - Timestones
"Ken. The only member of the 02 team who actually should
have been there, except maybe that angry little Cody kid." -
Bob's Replacement
"Ken of course! He's so cute. I cried when he lost the
Digi-emperor costume. Then I woke up my sister when he can Yolei
got married. Ooooooo!" - Silvercat
"I really have to pick Davis here. I liked him from day one
because he was everything the 01 characters weren't. He wasn't
based overly much in any given archetype, he had basic
personality flaws that caused problems instead of just external
family problems, and best of all he could and quite often did
make mistakes before learning how to come through when it
counted. I really do miss this guy." - Lynxara
Chris: That's Ken!
Ken waves to the audience and retakes his seat.
Chris: And Rika...
Rika: Screw you, hippie.
Rika sits down hard in her seat.
CATEGORY TWO: MOST POPULAR 02 IN-TRAINING DIGIMON
Chris: Given the fact that the In-Training were around so damn
MUCH in 02, we just had to add this question. And to present,
slap your mitts together for... Diaboromon!
Diaboromon lumbers out from backstage, with "The Final
Countdown" playing.
Diaboromon: Hey, you don't have anything to eat on you, do you?
Chris: No, sorry.
Diaboromon: Dang. Oh well. The votes for this category were:
3 - Minomon
3 - Poromon
9 - Upamon
12 - DemiVeemon
Diaboromon: I think that was one was pretty much expected. Let's
see what the fans said...
"DemiVeemon - SOOOO funny." - AFD's Pata
"Oh, Oh, Oh, ummm, Upamon!!!" - AylaKitty
"They're blobs... is there really a difference in
personality?" - Andy00
"Minomon. Especially the scene where he's bouncing on Ken's
bed." - Megchan
"Poromon. I don't care much for In-Training Digimon, but
Poromon's design was cute." - Fenrir X
Veemon hops up onto the stage, and snatches his award.
Veemon: Firsht of the night, baby! Gonna clean up, like lasht
year!
Chris: We'll see... give him a hand, audience, he's in for a
shock tonight...
The audience applauds as Veemon staggers back to his seat,
hypnotised by the sheer sparkliness of his award.
Chris: And Diaboromon!
Chris looks around, to see Diaboromon with the podium in his
mouth, chewing on it.
Chris: I NEED that!
Diaboromon spits the podium out.
Diaboromon: It's all about YOU, isn't it?
CATEGORY THREE: MOST POPULAR 02 ROOKIE DIGIMON
Chris refrains from touching the podium.
Chris: To present our third award for this category, it's
Shakkoumon!
Armadillomon: Armadillomon, Digivolve to... Ankylomon!
Patamon: Patamon, Digivolve to... Angemon!
Both: DNA Digivolve to... Shakkoumon!!
As Shakkoumon potters up to the stage, "Tea For Two"
plays. Shakkoumon grimaces at Chris as best he can, what with his
eyes always being closed, and all.
Shakkoumon: The votes for Most Popular Rookie were:
3 - Armadillomon
4 - Hawkmon
10 - Veemon
11 - Wormmon
Shakkoumon: It was a VERY close race between Wormmon and Veemon,
but in the end, Wormmon JUST pulled ahead to claim victory!
Wormmon crawls up onto the stage, and carefully takes his award
between his stumpy little arms.
Wormmon: Thanks to everybody who voted for me. This is a little
ray of light that cuts through the general misery of my life.
Chris: Yeeeah.
Davis struggles to keep Veemon in his seat in the audience.
Veemon: It should be mine! Mine, I tell you!
Wormmon shuffles back to his seat, as Shakkoumon separates back
into Patamon and Armadillomon.
Armadillomon: Three hornswagglin' votes? Ah don't believe Hawkmon
got more than me...!
CATEGORY FOUR: MOST POPULAR ARMOUR DIGIMON
Chris: For this category, let's welcome two characters that I've
only just begun to use in my fics... it's Terriermon and Lopmon!
The twin dograbbits glide in on their ears, and land on the
podium.
Terriermon: Hi folks!
Lopmon: Ew, this thing is all spittle-y... *shakes his foot*
Terriermon: We're pretty much standing in for Henry and Willis
tonight... y'know, what with them being frozen together by
interdimensional energy, and stuff.
Lopmon: So, to move it right along, the votes for this category
went like this:
1 - Nefertimon
1 - Submarimon
2 - Pegasusmon
3 - Digmon
7 - Magnamon
7 - Shurimon
9 - Flamedramon
Terriermon: So, that makes Flamedramon our winner two years in a
row!
Lopmon: Let's check out what the fans said:
"Shurimon is the neatest, although I like Digmon a lot as
well. Shurimon's design is brilliant, and I love the way his arms
swing around during his evolution." - Fenrir X
"Not Rapidmon? Poo. Alright then, put down Magnamon as my
answer, cause he was sweet." - Timestones
Magnamon, if only for his part in the climactic battle against
Chimeramon, and Ken's downfall." - Bob's Replacement
"Shurimon! Whee! Slinkymon who Miyako thinks is sexy!"
- AFD's Lisa
"I hate to say it, but Flamedramon." - Silvercat
Chris: Shurimon fans were a lot more vocal than Flamedramon
lovers... ah well... c'mon up!
Veemon: Veemon, Armour Digivolve to... Flamedramon! The Fire of
Courage!
Flamedramon jumps up onstage, and grabs his award.
Flamedramon: I told you, didn't I?
Chris: Yeah, yeah... now, get off my stage.
Flamedramon sticks his tongue out and reverts back to Veemon
before taking his seat.
Chris: And Terriermon and Lopmon, folks!
The audience applauds as the bunnybeasts fly back to their seats.
CATEGORY FIVE: MOST POPULAR 02 CHAMPION DIGIMON
Chris: We didn't have this category last year, as there were no
Champions when the awards were on last year... but to handle the
votes, please welcome BlackWarGreymon!
"Bohemian Rhapsody" plays as BlackWarGreymon duly walks
out on stage, with a look of intense disinterest on his face.
BlackWarGreymon: I see little point in the presentation of these
awards. They're all meaningless in the end up, as we are nothing
but fiction, and serve no purpose in the greater scheme of
things... God, I wish I were dead.
Chris: You can worry about that later. Just read the votes.
BlackWarGreymon: *sigh* The votes for favourite Champion were...
1 - Aquilamon
3 - Ankylomon
5 - ExVeemon
20 - Stingmon
BlackWarGreymon: An utter landslide victory for Stingmon. Come on
up and receive your meaningless piece of painted tin.
Chris: I beg your pardon! These are the finest aluminium money
can buy!
Wormmon: Wormmon, Digivolve to... Stingmon!
Stingmon flies up on stage, and takes his award from
BlackWarGreymon.
BlackWarGreymon: It's not going to make you happy, you know. And
nor will these dubious fan comments:
"Stingmon all da way, baybay!" - Misha
Somethingortheother
"Stingmon, definitely. He was an awesome design." -
Lynxara
"Stingmon, definitely. I love the whole Wormmon line.
Stingmon's sexy & cool. Love the voice, too (Japanese of
course, not that freaky US voice)." - Megchan
Stingmon: Freaakizzzhhhh? Whatzzzhhh zzzhheeee talkinngg
aboutzzz?!
Chris: I can't imagine... and no, that's NOT going to become a
running gag...
BlackWarGreymon: Y'know, you really know where you stand as a
"Champion"... now THAT's a name, not like
"Ultimate" or "Mega"... Champion... ahh, to
be like a Champion...
Stingmon guides BlackWarGreymon offstage.
BlackWarGreymon: Does the hurting ever stop?
Apocalymon: Nope.
CATEGORY SIX: MOST POPULAR 02 ULTIMATE (DNA) DIGIMON
Chris: It's a tiny category, with only three contestants, and I
don't think you'd have to be a genius to figure out who's won...
so inkeeping with that, let's welcome two siblings who are the
farthest things from geniuses that I can think of... it's Tai and
Kari!
"We Are Family" plays, as Tai and Kari enter. Tai is in
a black tux, while Kari wears a backless pink gown, which exposes
her shoulders.
Someone in the audience: *cough*WHORE!*cough*
Tai glares at the audience.
Tai: Kari, what the hell are you wearing?
Kari: Get off my back.
Tai: You're going to catch your death in that...!
Tai takes off his jacket and puts it over Kari's shoulders. She
yanks if off.
Kari: You're NOT MY FATHER!
Kari throws Tai's jacket off the stage, and there's a mad
scrabbling below as fangirls fight for it.
Chris: As amusing as all this is to me... read the votes.
Kari: The votes for Favourite Ultimate Digimon were:
7 - Shakkoumon
8 - Silphymon
15 - Paildramon
Tai: Let's cast our eyes over some fan opinions...
"Shakouououmon!" - Jolly Trolly
"Silphymon, since while Paildramon was cool, he wasn't as
cool as him/her/it." - Timestones
"Silphymon and Paildramon. I love Silphymon's looks, but I
love Paildramon's evolution scene (Japanese). The way Beat Hit
fits in with the animation is just perfect. When the drums kick
in on the song and he shoots his guns right at the same time.
Love it!" - Megchan
Chris: And, y'know, that was pretty much all we had in the way of
comments...
Veemon: Veemon, Digivolve to... ExVeemon!
Stingmon looks up from leading BlackWarGreymon back to his seat.
Both: DNA Digivolve to... Paildramon!
Paildramon struts up to the stage again, and accepts his award.
Paildramon: *ExVeemon* Third of the night! *Stingmon* I'm sorry;
I think you'll find that's MY third of the night.
Paildramon's right hand snatches the award from his left.
Paildramon: *ExVeemon* Gimmie dat back! *Stingmon* It's mine! You
can't have it!
Paildramon falls off the stage again, wrestling with himself.
Chris: This is getting monotonous...
Tai and Kari leave the stage, and Tai stands in front of Kari,
attempting to hide her from the eyes of assorted fanboys.
Kari: Get OUT of my LIFE!
Tai collapses as Kari inflicts damage to his squishy area.
CATEGORY SEVEN: MOST POPULAR 02 MEGA DIGIMON
Chris: Equally as small as the previous category, with an equally
predictable result... so to jazz it up a bit, let's welcome the
master of badassitude - it's OMNIMON!
Agumon: Agumon, Warp-Digivolve to... WarGreymon!
Gabumon: Gabumon, Warp-Digivolve to... MetalGarurumon!
Both: DNA Digivolve to... OMNIMOOOON!!
Omnimon - in a white tuxedo - goes up on stage, as "Holding
Out for a Hero" plays. He fumbles with the envelope for a
moment, but, not having any hands, gets Chris to do it for him.
Omnimon: Okay, let's see here... the votes were:
4 - Magnadramon
10 - Seraphimon
14 - Imperialdramon Dragon Mode/Fighter Mode/Paladin Mode
Paildramon looks up from where he fell.
Paildramon: VICTORY!! Paildramon, Mega Digivolve to...
IMPERIALDRAMON!
Imperialdramon lumbers up on stage (don't ask how he fits in the
hall, because I don't want to have to explain it to you), and
carefully accepts his award.
Imperialdramon: *ExVeemon* Okay, so, I'll take this one, and you
can take the other one. *Stingmon* And why do YOU get the Mega
one? *ExVeemon* Cause I just SAID so. *Stingmon* That's not FAIR!
*ExVeemon* Cry me a river. *Stingmon* Oh YEAH? *ExVeemon*
YEEEEAAAAH!!!
Chris: Guys, please, take it outside...
Imperialdramon: You stay out of this!
Omnimon: TRANSCENDENT SWORD!
Omnimon sword snaps out, and cleaves the air, slicing into
Imperialdramon, neatly reverting him back into Veemon and
Wormmon. They look up at Omnimon, cough, pick up their awards,
and run back to their seats.
Chris: Now THAT's what I'm talkin' 'bout. Omnimon, folks!
Omnimon separates back into Agumon and Gabumon, and they retake
their seats.
CATEGORY EIGHT: MOST POPULAR 02 VILLAIN
Chris: There's a lot of variation in the villains of 02, and that
was reflected in the votes. To wade through 'em, say hello to our
own personal "villains" of Digimon - it's Censors Joe,
Bob and Steve!
The Censors peep around the edge of the curtains, and duck back
when the rotten fruit starts flying towards them.
Censor Joe: They've got to run out of that stuff some time...
Steve, go see if they've run out yet.
Censor Steve: But I - -
Bob pushes Steve out on stage.
Censor Steve: AIEEEGGH!
*splat*
Bob and Joe peek out, to see Steve buried up to his neck in
assorted ickiness.
Censor Steve: I... think... they're... out...
Joe and Bob walk out on stage, to boos and hisses.
Censor Joe: Bite my colossal hairy ass, you losers.
Censor Bob: The votes for Most Popular 02 Villain were:
1 - Dragomon
1 - Kokomon/Lopmon/Endigomon/Antylamon/Kerpymon
2 - Arukenimon
3 - MaloMyotismon
4 - Digimon Emperor
4 - Daemon
4 - Mummymon
5 - Oikawa
9 - BlackWarGreymon
Censor Joe: Let's look at what the 'fans' said...
"BlackWarGreymon - he was a whiner, but he looked good doing
it." - Hugh Benn
"Black War Greymon, since he had actual depth to his
character." - Timestones
"Oh, I liked all the 02 villains, I think. Oikawa was cool
just because of his story and everything. Mummymon was funny,
Black War Greymon was angsty...." - Megchan
"Oikawa. He was such a cool idea for a master villain. He
wasn't something there to be bashed down, he was an honest to God
source of conflict that required thought to try and deal
with." - Lynxara
"Dagomon. <g> Yes, I know...other than an outline, he
never showed up..." - Andy00
Censor Steve: So, BlackWarGreymon, come up and receive your
"meaningless piece of tin."
Chris: Aluminium!
BlackWarGreymon goes up on stage. His pupils begin to dilate
wildly, and he takes the award with quivering hands.
BlackWarGreymon: It... it feels good... to be loved...!
BlackWarGreymon begins bawling.
BlackWarGreymon: I want to thank Mommy and Daddy...
Arukenimon and Mummymon look at each other and slap their
foreheads.
BlackWarGreymon: ...and all my friends! You're ALL my friends! I
LOVE YOU ALL!!
Chris: Wasn't that beautiful, audience?
Audience: *sniff*
Chris: He's BlackWarGreymon, and we love him too!
BlackWarGreymon wipes his eyes, and goes off stage.
Daemon: What the hizzell was that, honky?
BlackWarGreymon: I believe it's called a "Paltrow"...
Chris: ...and the Censors! Show them our love!
A brick nails Censor Bob in the forehead.
CATEGORY NINE: MOST POPULAR SUPPORTING 02 DIGIMON
Joe and Steve drag Bob off stage, as Chris introduces the next
presenter.
Chris: There weren't nearly as many supporting Digimon in this
season as there were in season one, so this is a smaller
category. However, to present it, let's welcome Guilmon!
Guilmon staggers in, stage left, tugging on the collar of his
tuxedo.
Chris: And Renamon!
Renamon enters stage right, in a purple gown.
Someone in the audience wolf whistles.
Chris: WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?!
No-one answers.
Chris: Weirdo...
Guilmon: I happy to be here! This my first Christmas... I love it
lots! Shiny decorations, lots of presents!
Starmon: Yeah, well you ain't the one sittin' on no dang pointy
tree!
Guilmon: Me want to try that!
Renamon: Maybe later... for now - the votes for Most Popular
Supporting Digimon were:
1 - Wizardmon's Ghost
6 - Digitamamon
10 - Gennai and his duplicates
12 - Azulongmon
Guilmon: Clap hands for Azoo... Ashu... Azzzlloo...
Azulongmon: Y'know kid, you're so dumb, for Christmas you asked
Santa to give you an idea!
*rimshot*
*canned laughter*
The audience boos.
Azulongmon: Wooah, tough crowd. Did you hear the one about...
A spare tomato splatters on Azulongmon's face.
Azulongmon: That's no tomato, that's my wife!
*rimshot*
*canned laughter*
Renamon: Take your goddamn award, you translucent idiot.
Azulongmon: Ouch, babe, that hurts. You really know how to hurt a
guy... you can... see right through me!
*rimshot*
*canned laughter*
Renamon proceeds to jab Azulongmon in the eye with his Digi.
Azulongmon: You're so short you need to untie your shoes to go
the bathroom! Your mother is so fat when she goes into a
restaurant she looks at a menu, and says "yes!" You're
so ugly, your parents had to feed you with a slingshot!
Renamon yawns.
Azulongmon: Powers... fading...!
Azulongmon keels over, and is quietly shovelled outside of the
hall by Datamon.
Chris: It's sad when somebody uses comedy as a weapon...
...
Chris: What the hell are you all looking at?!
CATEGORY TEN: MOST POPULAR SUPPORTING 02 HUMAN
Chris: He didn't really qualify for votes in this category so
instead we're letting him present it! Put your hands together for
Oikawa!
"The Sound of Silence" plays as Oikawa, filling out a
tux remarkably well, walks on stage, and shakes Chris's hand.
Oikawa: It's about damn time.
Chris: Look, I could just never figure out where to put you in,
okay? You don't have a lot of easily exploitable issues that
haven't been done before...
Myotismon (in audience): Well, he has a severe earwax problem...
Oikawa: I'm SEEING someone about that, okay? The votes for this
category were:
1 - Mr. Ishida
2 - Sam Ichijouji
2 - Jim (Shuu) Kido
2 - Ms. Takaishi
3 - Cody's Grandfather
8 - Ryo
10 - June
Chris: Words cannot express how HAPPY I am that Ryo didn't win.
The boy is an utter nonentity, with three two-second appearances
throughout the anime and movie, and has absolutely no factors
about him to warrant getting that many votes.
Ryo (in audience): Dude, c'mon, I'm sitting right here...!
Chris: And then there's that OTHER Ryo who's coming up in Tamers,
and that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish...
Oikawa: Let's hear some fan comments.
"June. Yes, I like June. Matt should have ended up with
her." - Fenrir X
"Sam! Ken's brother was the best!" - AFD's Lisa
"Jun. She was a fun, comedic addition. I loved the scene
where she gives up on Yamato in favour of Shuu." - Megchan
"Ryo... he's the "Minus World" of Digimon.
<g> The thing people talk about and talk about....not
knowing if he really exists, though he does." - Andy00
Oikawa: June, join us up here!
June screams and runs up onto the stage, and eagerly snatches up
her award.
June: I want to thank everyone I've ever known, and my mom, and
my dad, and my brother, and Matt, and Jim! Hey, you wanna sign my
shirt?!
Oikawa: Erhm...
Chris quietly shakes his head in Oikawa's direction.
Oikawa: ...how about I don't and say I did?
June: Men are all evil.
June walks off the stage in a huff.
Chris: And yes, that *IS* how you spell her American name.
CATEGORY ELEVEN: MOST POPULAR INTERNATIONAL DIGIDESTINED
Chris: Another new category for this year, and to present it,
it's Machinedramon!
Machinedramon lumbers out from backstage.
Machinedramon: It. Is. A. Great. Pleasure. For. Me. To. Be. Here.
Tonight.
Chris: Sorry you didn't get to present an award last year, but,
y'know, I hadn't really started to use you then. You're a regular
character now!
Machinedramon: And. Don't. Think. I. Don't. Appreciate. It. The.
Votes. For. This. Category. Were:
1 - The Poy Brothers
1 - Yuri
1 - Phil
3 - Rosa
3 - Catherine
3 - Derek
3 - Michael
14 - Willis
Machinedramon: He. Might. Not. Really. Exist. But. He. Can.
Still. Win. Awards.
Chris: Let's look at some fan comments.
"Willis. He never got the respect he deserved." -
Timestones
"Rosa!!! VIVA MEXICO!!!!!!" - Areku
"Hmm... tough choice. I'll go with Yuri from Russia 'cause I
can't remember the other Russians' names." - Tech Weaver
"MICHAEL! *____* SQUEE! MICHAEL IS SO CUTE AND SUCH!
::dies::" - AylaKitty
"Willis, because of his tendency not to exist." - AFD's
Lisa
"Rosa! She has good taste!" - Silvercat
Chris: Now, regular readers - and those who have been paying
attention - will know that Willis is somewhat... indisposed at
the moment.
Chris gestures at Willis and Henry, all purple and glowing and
stuff.
Chris: So, Michael has graciously agreed to accept his award.
Michael walks on stage, and accepts the award. He looks down at
the statuette, and a wicked grin creeps across his face.
Michael: I'm sure that Willis would want to thank my parents, and
my friends Phil, Maria, Lou and Steve. I accept this award as a
representative of our country. GAWD BLESS AMERICA!!
The audience applauds.
Michael: Lou, gas up the car. We've gotta be able to make tracks
when this is over...
CATEGORY TWELVE: MOST POPULAR INTERNATIONAL DIGIDESTINED
DIGIMON
Chris: Equally new, but perhaps a bit more interesting. To handle
these votes, please welcome MarineDevimon and SkullSatamon!
The two Digimon walk in from either side of the stage as
"Gangsta's Paradise" plays. MarineDevimon wears dark
blue tux, while SkullSatamon is in a brownish-red one.
SkullSatamon: Word up, suckas.
MarineDevimon: Boo-yah and props to my hoes.
SkullSatamon: I gots me a need - a need to read! Da votes for
Most Popular International Digimon were:
1 - Crabmon/Coelamon
1 - Gotsumon/Monochromon
1 - Tortomon
2 - Flarizamon
3 - Betamon/Seadramon
3 - Kokomon/Lopmon/Endigomon/Antylamon/Kerpymon
18 - Terriermon/Gargomon/Rapidmon
MarineDevimon: LANDSLIDE, BITCH!
SkullSatamon: Terriermon wiped the floor wit' the asses of
everyone else in sight. Big up to the big pimp daddy of
International Digimon!
Terriermon gleefully hops up on stage, and up onto the podium,
where SkullSatamon hands him his award.
Terriermon: I want to thank Willis, of course, as well as my bro,
Lopmon. Big shout out to them!
SkullSatamon: Word, man, I think I like you.
Terriermon: Gimmie some skin.
SkullSatamon hands Terriermon a Playboy.
Terriermon: Not quite what I meant, but, hey, it's even better!
MarineDevimon: Dude, that was from my collection...
CATEGORY THIRTEEN: BEST 02 EPISODE
Chris: The unlucky number looms again... but at least we're not
giving out a Sukie. Again, this was another multiple choice
category, but it was a hard one to figure out, due to the number
of good episodes in 02. We would have liked to include
"Invasion of the Daemon Corps" and "Duel of the
WarGreymon" as well as the five we used, but they didn't
make the grade when it came down to the earlier ballot that
defined the best eps. Well, anyway, to present the award, say
hello to Digitamamon!
Digitamamon toddles out, with a white tux (sans sleeves) on,
around his shell, stopping a little bit below his eyehole.
Digitamamon: Eet's an honour to be allowed to present an award
here tonight. Eet's so thrilling, why, my sunny side ees up! But
I wont get scrambled, because I'm hard-boiled! I'll try and crack
a few yolks while I'm here... phew, these stage lights are so hot
I'm fried!
Chris: READ THE GODDAMN VOTES!!
Digitamamon: There's no need to be so rude... the votes for Best
Epeesode were:
3 - a) 2.13, "His Master's Voice," English Version
written by Craig Doyle
4 - b) 2.21, "The Crest of Kindness," English Version
written by Craig Doyle and Jeff Nimoy and Bob Buchholz
5 - e) 2.50, "A Million Points of Light," English
Version written by Seth Walther
7 - d) 2.47, "BlackWarGreymon's Destiny," English
Version written by Rebecca Olkowski
11 - c) 2.23, "Genesis of Evil," English Version
written by Jeff Nimoy and Bob Buchholz
Chris: We also had one or two write-in votes for "Duel of
the WarGreymon." Naughty, naughty! We don't allow those!
Digitamamon: Let's take a look at some fan thoughts.
"The Crest of Kindness... An emotional roller coaster that
leaves the viewer emotionally paralysed at the end." - Bob's
Replacement
"C. Whee, angsty Ken!" - AFD's Lisa
"Write in vote) WarGreymon and BlackWarGreymon fighting
DBZ-style - it's so damn cool so I made my own answer!" -
Marc Levy
"Genesis of Evil was a fine, fine piece of work." -
Lynxara
"Episode 50. I _liked_ the ending, thank you. :p" -
Megchan
"'Genesis of Evil' - A great episode about Ken and his past,
with no interference from the main cast. Best episode ever!"
- Fenrir X
Digitamamon: Ken Ichijouji, come on doooown! Hee, I've always to
say that...
Ken walks up on stage, and Digitamamon... er... well... he
sort... of... uh... levitates... the award? Uh, well, he gives
Ken his award, anyway.
Ken: Thanks to my parents, and to Wormmon, and Davis and all the
others for believing in me, and all that gushy crap... it's
nothing any other kid with a hunk of darkness lodged in his neck
couldn't have done.
Dark Spore Kid #4: Really?
Ken: No. Shut up. It's mine. ALL MINE!
Digitamamon: He's a regular Eggs Benedict Arnold...
Chris: GET OFF MY STAGE!!
CATEGORY FOURTEEN: WORST 02 EPISODE
Chris: Slightly harder to choose the bad episodes for 02 - for
every REALLY good episode, there were two or more stinkers, but
we narrowed it down fairly succinctly... so to present, welcome
someone who tells it like it is... why, it's Charlene!
Charlene bounces in from stage left. She has a silver necklace
draped over her keyboard, and a tiara fastened on with sticky
tape. Chris picks her up and sets her on the podium.
Charlene: Watch - those - hands - writer - boy.
Chris: Oh, yeah, like, there's SO much to you that I'd want to
touch.
Charlene: Let's - not - have - a - repeat - of - last - year.
Chris: Agreed...
Charlene: Okay - then. The - votes - for - worst - episode -
were:
1 - b) 2.11, "Storm of Friendship," English Version
written by Steve Rollman
1 - d) 2.14, "Samurai of Sincerity," English Version
written by Rebecca Olkowski and Jeff Nimoy and Bob Buchholz
2 - a) 2.01, "Enter Flamedramon," English Version
written by Jeff Nimoy and Bob Buchholz
12 - e) 2.15, "Big Trouble in Little Edo," English
Version written by Rebecca Olkowski
16 - c) 2.12, "The Good, the Bad, and the Digi,"
English Version written by Michael Sorich
Chris: Personally, I consider "Big Trouble" to be worse
than "TGTB&TD," but then, I can understand why
Americans are voting for it - when it first aired there, it was
part of a Digithon centred around it, which built it up to be
something it wasn't, and so a lot of people were let down by the
ep after the build-up. But it has a better structure that
"Big Trouble," and is just a comedy episode anyway. But
enough of what *I* think; let's see what YOU think!
"Episode 15 was pretty blah, I guess." - Megchan
Chris: See, see, Megchan agrees with me...!
Charlene: Shut - it.
Chris: Yessum...
"I guess I'll go for episode 12 - it was cute and funny, but
didn't really warrant a debut marathon." - Lynxara
Charlene: Okay - you're - just - picking - these - comments -
because - they - support - your - point - aren't - you?
Chris: *whistles*
"Ep 15 - an inconsequential filler episode that's a terrible
samurai movie with a rule breaking finale to the battle in that
two weak Armours beat an Ultimate." - Aaron Thall
Charlene: Okay - QUIT - IT!
Chris: Okay, okay...
"C - Not even Sora could save this episode." - Marc
Levy
"Whoa! Family Picnic didn't make the list! How did that
happen?" - AFD's Susan
"Samurai of Sincerity... Lets be honest, who gives a
monkey's about Yolei? And that stupid restaurateur... And
MICHAEL, with the worst voice in the history of the
universe(s)!" - Bob's Replacement
"C - Utterly pointless. In fact, this entire part of the
series could have been cut down on. That and the Destiny Stone
nonsense." - Andy00
"I would have picked "Enter Flamedramon" for the
same reasons I chose "And So It Begins" for the worst
01 episode, but I'll vote for "Big Trouble In Little
Edo", cause that episode just SUCKED." - Timestones
Chris: Last year, we gave the award for this episode to Sora, but
it should really probably go to Deputymon and Starmon...
Starmon (on tree): Ah ain't comin' down! Ah won't be able to get
comfy again!
Deputymon: I'll take that there award off your hands, pilgrim,
wa-ha-ha-haaa.
Deputymon swaggers up onto the stage and accepts the Sukie.
Deputymon: Yer all a bunch of yella-bellied, lily-livered
varmints, ya hear? Wa-ha-ha-haaa.
Charlene: We - hear... we - just - don't - understand.
Deputymon: Aw, goldarnit, wa-ha-ha-haaa.
CATEGORY FIFTEEN: BEST 02 MOMENT
Chris: We had Azulongmon pencilled in to present this award, but
I don't think he...
The doors burst open, and Azulongmon floats back in. Datamon runs
back in after him.
Datamon: Sorry! Couldn't keep him out!
Azulongmon: I'm ready! I was born ready! Well, actually I was
born a baby.
*rimshot*
*canned laughter*
Chris: What does that MEAN, exactly?
Azulongmon: I don't expect you to get it. You're so stupid, when
someone says it's "chilly" outside, you run out the
door with a bowl and a spoon!
*rimshot*
*canned laughter*
Azulongmon floats up onto the stage, and bumps Chris aside,
getting in front of the podium.
Azulongmon: The votes for Best Moment were:
2 - c) MaloMyotismon is defeated ("A Million Points of
Light")
4 - e) Something relating to the epilogue, 25 years later
("A Million Points of Light")
7 - a) T.K. and the Digimon Emperor's fist fight ("An Old
Enemy Returns")
7 - b) Wormmon sacrifices himself ("The Crest of
Kindness")
10 - d) Oikawa gives up his life to regenerate the DigiWorld
("A Million Points of Light")
Azulongmon: You might say that Oikawa's DEAD PLEASED to have won!
*rimshot*
*canned laughter*
Chris: *looks out the nearest window* Oh, look at that, a bald
short man just walked past!
Azulongmon: Lemme at him!
Azulongmon flies outside.
Azulongmon: Hey... there's no bald short guy out here...!
*SLAM!*
*click*
*clack*
*snakt*
*clunk*
*shlunkt*
The Bakemon dust their hands off as they set the last of the
door's locks.
Chris: Excellent. Now that that's dealt with, let's have a look
at fan comments...
"Wormmon's sacrifice... showing what true friendship is
about." - Bob's Replacement
"T.K. slugging Ken. Go T.K.!" - Aaron Thall
"A - Oh yeah! COMPLETE sexiness!" - AylaKitty
"E. Duh! Ken and Yolei got married!!!!!" - Silvercat
"I gotta go with D. That was a powerful, powerful scene,
even in the context of an otherwise basically crappy
episode." - Lynxara
"Wormmon's sacrifice and Oikawa's sacrifice are both good. I
love when Oikawa meets Pipimon, it made me cry." - Megchan
Oikawa steps up on stage, and accepts his award.
Oikawa: This is Wizardmon all over again... I oughta be dead
right now, after all...
Chris: Ixnay on the eadday...
Oikawa: Eh?
Chris: Ixnay, IXNAY...
Oikawa: Ri-ight... uh, thanks for voting for me, everyone.
Azulongmon (v/o, outside): Your mother's so fat, when she jumps
up in the air - she gets stuck.
Chris (into radio): Kssht... okay guys, breaking out the
soundproofing... kssht... over.
Bakemon: Hey, I'm right over here.
CATEGORY SIXTEEN: WORST 02 MOMENT
Chris: To present this award... *looks at his cue card* ...oh,
dear God, no. It's Gennai.
The Star Wars theme plays as Obi-Wa... I mean, the younger
version of Gennai walks out on stage with a plastic light-up
lightsabre in his hand.
Chris: Oh, thank God, you're not old. I don't think the audience
could have stood last year all over again...
Gennai swings the toy lightsabre around.
Gennai: Zhhhwing. Zzznnng. Zhhing.
Chris: Ah, crap... could you find some time to read the votes?
Gennai: Patience, my disciple. A Jedi master cannot give in to
anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffferingggg...
zzhwing... zzzh... wh-chh...
Chris taps his foot.
Gennai: *gestures* You don't need me to read these awards.
Chris: Yeah, I do.
Gennai: Oh, okay. Fair do's, then. The votes for this category
were:
2 - b) Michael's introduction ("Samurai of Sincerity")
5 - d) Awful dubbing of all of Ep. 37, "Kyoto Dragon"
6 - a) Yolei's Mimi Fantasy ("Family Picnic")
6 - c) The sheer idiocy of "Davis Cries Wolfmon"
11 - e) Something relating to the epilogue, 25 years later
("A Million Points of Light")
Gennai: A category of hate... and hate leads to suffferingggg...
"The epilogue made me sad. Oh, so very sad." - AFD's
Susan
"The sheer stupidity of trying to close the book completely
on the Adventure universe made e) the worst of them up there. I
mean, come on; that wasn't at all necessary." - Timestones
"A - Miyako is NOT gay, grr." - Misha
Somethingortheother
"C - If that's the first ExVeemon episode, I still haven't
seen it. In fact, I'll vote for it just for that! That'll show
it!" - Tech Weaver
"Davis Cries Wolfmon... What the HELL was that all
about??" - Bob's Replacement
"E - My poor Koushiro... all grown up... and even MORE nerdy
(and in a bad way) than before! ;-;" - AylaKitty
"E!! Dang them and their insistency on smashing all possible
fanfiction!" - AFD's Lisa
"Well, I seem to have blocked A from my memory (watch me
complain). So C." - Silvercat
"E - I don't think Toei even gave a shit at this point, and
just slapped together an ending." - Andy00
"E. It was stupid on BOTH sides of the Pacific, badly out of
character, shoddily produced, a bad swipe of the really good Yuu
Yuu Hakusho ending, and just intensely out of flavour and
annoying. It added *nothing* to the episode, I'm still wondering
why the hell they put it there." - Lynxara
Chris: A LOT of fan comments, there! And there's really no one
character we can give a Sukie to for this one, so...
Chris marches offstage, and hops in a taxi outside. The taxi
takes him to the airport, when he gets on board a plane, and
flies to Japan. He arrives at the Toei animation building or
whatever, kidnaps a writer at gunpoint, exits the building, goes
back to the airport, flies back, and gets a taxi back to the
ceremony hall.
Chris staggers back on stage, wheezing, with the Japanese writer
held in a headlock. Much audience booing ensues.
Chris: Take it and get out of my sight.
The gibbering Japanese guy takes his Sukie and runs screaming out
of the building.
Chris: Well, I think we showed him.
Gennai: *Returns to swinging the lightsabre around* I sense a
great disturbance in the Force...
Chris shoves Gennai into the backstage area, where some Bakemon
sedate him.
CATEGORY SEVENTEEN: MOST POPULAR RELATIONSHIP
Chris: He's recovered sufficiently to bring himself to present
this award... please put your hands together for Apocalymon!
"It's the End of the World as We Know It" plays as
Apocalymon quietly floats out on stage.
Apocalymon: Last year, this was a very small section... but it's
ballooned in size considerably since then. Just... a lot of
people... celebrating the joy of love... *sniff* ...the votes...
for this category were:
1 - Sorato (Sora and Matt)
1 - Mimou (Mimi and Joe)
1 - Koushyako (Izzy and Yolei)
1 - Takatherine (T.K. and Catherine [French DigiDestined])
1 - Mimiyako (Mimi and Yolei)
2 - Daikari (Davis and Kari)
3 - Daiyako (Davis and Yolei)
3 - Takari (T.K. and Kari)
3 - Taiora (Tai and Sora)
4 - Kensuke (Ken and Davis)
9 - Kenyako (Ken and Yolei)
Ken screams and makes a break for the door, only to have Yolei
tackle him and drag him up to the stage. Apocalymon hands her the
two awards.
Apocalymon: It's quite a feat to have gone from last year's worst
to this year's best, as you have done. Love... *sniff*
...conquers all... *sniff* ...WAAAAA!! I wish I had someone!!
Ken: Take her!
Apocalymon: Oh, so I just choke on your leftovers, is that it? I
get the crust of your pizza?
Yolei: How dare you! *slaps Apocalymon*
Apocalymon: *cries* You're so MEEEEEAN!
Apocalymon zips off the stage, weeping.
Devimon: Heartless beasts!
Devimon floats off after Apocalymon.
Chris: Oh... hmn... uh... Ken and Yolei!
The audience applauds as Yolei drags Ken back to his seat.
CATEGORY EIGHTEEN: LEAST POPULAR 02 RELATIONSHIP
Chris: To present this award, making his first appearance in a
fic, it's everybody's favourite little bugger - Impmon!
The theme from "Goodfellas" plays, as Impmon saunters
out on stage, and hops up on to the podium.
Impmon: Whaddayoo mean by "favourite"? You say I
provide amusement for people? Like some sort of rodeo midget?
Chris: Well, I...
Impmon: What are you saying? Are you saying I'm some sort of
clown, here to AMUSE you?
Chris: I just said you were everyone's favourite...
Impmon: ...
Chris: ...
Impmon: THAT'S IT! BADA BOOM!
Impmon Bada-Boom's the stage out from under Chris's feet, and
there's a crash as he falls through.
Chris (v/o): *cough* Read... the votes...
Impmon: Da votes for dis category were:
1 - Taiora (Tai and Sora)
1 - Miyakeru (Yolei and T.K.)
1 - Kensuke (Ken and Davis)
1 - Takeriori (T.K. and Cody)
1 - Mimora (Mimi and Sora)
3 - Mimichael (Mimi and Michael)
3 - Daikari (Davis and Kari)
5 - Kenyako (Ken and Yolei)
6 - Sorato (Sora and Matt)
6 - Takari (T.K. and Kari)
Chris hauls himself back up on stage.
Chris: *cough* Yes, in a stunning display, last year's Most
Popular are now this year's least, tied also with Sorato - our
first tie of the night! Quite a turnabout in the votes for these
two categories this year!
T.K., Kari, Sora and Matt nervously go up on stage.
Impmon: Here ya's go.
He hands them their Sukies.
T.K.: Thanks... I think...
Impmon: Fuggedaboudit.
Chris: Yes, T.K., Kari, you've been toppled from the pedestal.
However, it seems that it's not actually due to you as characters
or events in the show, but more to do with the rabid, scary
nature of your fans, who just worshipped your relationship like a
religion, and drove everyone else nuts, leading to a lot of votes
against you.
Chris turns to Sora and Matt.
Chris: You two, on the other hand...
Matt: We know, we know...
Sora: "Get the **** off your ****ing stage."
Chris: Damn right.
The quartet slinks off stage.
Impmon: I t'ink I could actually get t'like you.
The Digi-Rap begins to play again.
Chris: That's it for this section folks - so go on out and do
what you gotta do. But make sure you're right back here in a
little while for the shortest of tonight's sections, section
three, in which we'll be dropping in on the weird and wonderful
world of Alt.Fan.Digimon!
- - -
CONTINUED IN SECTION THREE!
Click HERE to continue on to Section
Three.
Even if you're a non-AFDer, you've got to read the opening
section!
- - -