THE CENSOR ADVENTURES!
 
By Chris “Gotta Edit That” McFeely!
 
- - -
 
The three Censors from FOX Kids sit around a table - doing absolutely nothing. For us, that is a good thing, as it means they aren’t screwing up Digimon episodes.
 
Censor #2: Hey, Joe?
 
Censor #1: Yeah?
 
Censor #2: You as bored as I am?
 
Censor #1 (Joe): Yup.
 
Silence for a while.
 
Censor Joe: Hey, Steve?
 
Censor #3: Yeah?
 
Censor Joe: You as bored as we are?
 
Censor #3 (Steve): Yeah.
 
Censor #2: Know what?
 
Censor Steve: What, Bob?
 
Censor #2 (Bob): I think I’m gonna take a walk.
 
Censor Joe: I think I’ll come with you...
 
Censor Steve: Yeah, me too...
 
Censor Joe, Censor Bob and Censor Steve get out of their seats, and walk out the door. They plod along down the corridor, which shakes under their combined weight, which is considerable.
 
Censor Steve: What do we KEEP in this place, anyway?
 
Censor Bob: Oh, yeah, that’s right... you’re still kinda new...
 
Censor Joe: You haven’t been given the proper tour...
 
Censor Steve: Can you show me now?
 
Censor Bob: Yeah, sure, why not... but it can’t take too long, we’re scheduled to totally muck up Tai professing his love for Sora this afternoon.
 
Censor Steve: Okay.
 
The three large men walk down the corridor a little further, until they come to another door.
 
Censor Joe: This is the edits room. Where we put every single thing that we take out.
 
Censor Steve: Ooh, that sounds interesting...
 
Steve reaches for the door handle.
 
Joe and Bob: NOOOOOOO!!
 
Steve opens the door, and a literal wave of film strips, animation stills and paper comes pouring out, sweeping them all up and throwing them across the corridor. Steve rubs his head, and removes Puppetmon shooting Mushroomon from the top of his head.
 
Censor Joe: Ah, great, now look what you did.
 
Joe shakes his arms, and every single punch thrown by a human being falls
out.
 
Censor Bob: Hey, I think I have WaruMonzaemon’s death stuck on my back...
 
Censor Steve: I got it. *removes it for him*
 
Censor Steve steps in Kari crying after Wizardmon dies.
 
Censor Steve: Ew... I got edit on my shoe...
 
Censor Joe bangs the side of his head.
 
Censor Joe: Yeah, well, I got Apocalymon’s original speech in my ear, and you don’t hear me complaining, slick.
 
Censor Bob: Who’s going to clean this up?
 
Censor Joe: Who cares? We certainly don’t give a crap!
 
Censor Steve: Just like we don’t care about the fans!
 
Censor Bob: MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
 
Censor Joe: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
 
Censor Steve: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
 
Bob, Joe and Steve: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!
 
Censor Bob: *cough*
 
Censor Joe: Yeah... well... anyway... moving on...
 
Censor Steve pokes Pumpkinmon and Gotsumon dying out of the way with his foot, and follows the other two on down the corridor.
 
A few minutes later, Steve stops in front of a door with a window.
 
Censor Steve: What’s in here?
 
Censor Bob: That’s the writer’s room. We keep Nimoy and his friends in there.
 
Steve peers through the little window, and see Jeff Nimoy and Bob Bucholz chained to the walls, operating manual typewriters with their feet.
 
Nimoy: ...so then, he says, “Duckies and bunnies!”
 
Bucholz: *laughs hysterically and chokes on his own phlegm*
 
Censor Steve: Poor bastards...
 
Censor Joe: Brainwashing.
 
Censor Bob: It’s the only way to go.
 
Nimoy starts eating his own foot.
 
Steve shakes his head and moves off. A little later, they come to a huge oak door.
 
Censor Steve: Wow! This looks important! What’s in HERE?
 
Censor Bob: THIS... is the Evidence Room.
 
Censor Joe: Behind this door are dozens more doors, behind which is EVERY single SCRAP of evidence for ANY possible relationship that could exist on the show!
 
Censor Bob: You wanna see?
 
Censor Steve: Yeah!!
 
Censor Bob opens the door, and Steve runs in. There are doors as far as the eye can see. He runs to the nearest one, and reads the plaque on the door.
 
Censor Steve: “Taito Evidence.”
 
Bob and Joe: DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!!!!
 
Bob and Joe throw themselves at the door, and lean against it before Steve can open it.
 
Censor Joe: This stuff can’t get out!!
 
Censor Bob: If people were to see any of this stuff, they’d never let go of the Taito idea!!
 
Censor Steve: I thought it was all circumstantial.
 
Bob and Joe: It IS!
 
Censor Bob: But try telling them that...
 
Censor Joe: Sshh, before you garner flames.
 
Censor Steve: Okay, well, what about this one?
 
Steve points to a door labelled “Taiora Evidence.”
 
Censor Joe: No need to open that.
 
Censor Steve: But...
 
Censor Joe: I SAID THERE’S NO NEED TO OPEN IT!!
 
Censor Steve: Eek! Okay, how about this door over here?
 
Censor Bob rubs the dust-encrusted plaque on the door with his sleeve. He blows as much dust off it as he can, and reads it out.
 
Censor Bob: “Mimato Evidence.”
 
Censor Joe: Hmn... I think that one’s pretty safe... can’t remember the last time I was in there... don’t know why...
 
Censor Steve grabs the door handle, and tries to open it. It’s very stiff, but slowly, Steve manages to force it around. He throws all his weight against the door, which gradually groans open. Steve peers into the room, which is completely dark, filled with cobwebs, and mountains of dust.
 
Censor Joe: Oh yeah, now I remember...
 
Censor Bob: Yeah.. it’s... *sniff* ...it’s... a... Ah... ATCHOO!
 
Censor Bob sneezes due to all the dust, and the sneeze sends the cobwebs flying everywhere. A single sheet of paper is blown off a shelf, out from under a dust-mountain, and flutters over, landing on Censor Joe’s head. Censor Steve takes the paper, blows the bust off it, and reads it.
 
Censor Steve: “They stand next to each other a lot.”
 
Censor Steve shakes his head again, and tosses the page back into the room. He shuts the door and walks over to another one.
 
Censor Steve: Hrmn, “Takari Evidence”...
 
Steve opens the door, and a stack of paper falls on top of him.
 
Censor Steve: Ow.
 
Censor Bob: Be careful over there...
 
Censor Joe: Oh, hey, come over here a sec, I need to throw somethin’ in one of these rooms.
 
Joe opens a door labelled “Yolei.” Steve and Bob peer down the corridor on the other side of it, which, in turn, is lined with many other doors, each bearing a different name.
 
Censor Joe: She needs a section to herself.
 
Censor Bob: I meant to ask you - why don’t we edit out her incessant flirting?
 
Censor Steve: Yeah, isn’t that a bad example for kids?
 
Censor Joe: Oh, no reason... I mean, she certainly didn’t ask me not to, if that’s what you mean... and she’s certainly not so cute that I just couldn’t say no, if you’re trying to imply anything.
 
Bob and Steve: ...
 
Censor Joe: WHAT?
 
Censor Steve: Put the thing in the room and let’s go.
 
Censor Joe: Okay, it’s at the very end of the corridor.
 
The three men squeeze into the corridor, single file, and walk down the corridor. Bob and Steve read the names on the doors.
 
 Censor Bob: “Ken.” Pshyeah, right. Like he give’s a rat’s ass...
 
Censor Steve: “Michael.” What, did she lose control of her faculties for that day?
 
Censor Bob: “Izzy.” Guess it makes sense...
 
Censor Steve: “Shurimon.” Let’s not go there...
 
Censor Bob: “Davis.” People are just pulling names out of hats, now...
 
Censor Steve: “TK.” Oh, yeah, sure, like there’s a chance of THAT...
 
Censor Bob: “Poromon.” POROMON? Oh, come ON, this is just ridiculous.
 
Censor Joe: Here we are.
 
Censor Steve: “Gennai”?
 
Censor Joe opens the door and places a single sheet of paper on a shelf.
 
Censor Bob: That is very disturbing.
 
Censor Steve: I... think I want out now.
 
Censor Bob: Yeah.
 
Bob and Steve do a one-eighty, and sprint (as best they can) out of the corridor.
 
Censor Joe lingers for a moment, and looks at another door. It reads: “Censor Joe.”
 
Censor Joe: *sigh*
 
Censor Joe follows Bob and Steve, shutting the “Yolei” door behind him. They leave the evidence room, and continue going down the corridor. They come to the corridor’s end, where there is one more door.
 
Censor Bob: This is were we stockpile the Japanese episodes, before we take them, and cut them to shreds.
 
Bob opens the door, and there’s a sudden rush of air shooting out.
 
Censor Steve: *staggers* What was THAT?
 
Censor Joe: Oh, that’s just the backdraft. You get used to it.
 
Censor Steve: Backdraft?
 
Censor Bob: Yeah, the Quality Backdraft. We come within about five feet of a Japanese episode, and all the really high quality stuff just sort of... shoots out of it.
 
Censor Steve: Isn’t that sort of... crap?
 
Censor Joe: ...your point being?
 
Censor Bob: Oh, hey, look! We got a new shipment! Episodes 40 to 42!
 
Censor Steve: Those haven’t even aired in Japan yet! What are the titles?
 
Censor Joe: Let’s see here... “New York, Hong Kong, the Battle Royal”... “Coral and Versailles, the Free Fight”... and “Love and Borscht, the Fierce Battle.”
 
Censor Bob: Oh, we’re gonna have a FIELD DAY working with THOSE...
 
Censor Joe’s watch beeps.
 
Censor Joe: LUNCH TIME!!
 
Censor Steve: Woo-hoo!
 
The three hulking men thunder off back down the corridor, the way they came. The janitor - an Agumon - who is clearing up the mess of edits screams like a girl as he sees the three men-mountains lumbering towards him, and hurls himself into the edits room. The Censors go past, and he emerges with every single reference to alcohol stuck to his leg.
 
The censors run out through the filming area, where Sora and Tai are in the process of recording their re-dubbed scene from episode 38. The ground shakes, and the set falls over on top of Tai.
 
Censor Bob: Are we gonna edit that? It’s undeniable Taiora and Sorato.
 
Censor Joe: Dunno yet... we’re getting a lot of hate mail already... either of you two guys know a “Chris McFeely?”
 
Censor Bob: Didn’t the studio slap him with that lawsuit for stalking Sora last year?
 
Censor Joe: Yeah, that must be it...
 
The Censors smash their way into the cafeteria, and attack the food counter. They pile their plates high, pay the Biyomon who is working the cash register, and sit down to eat.
 
The table collapses.
 
Censor Bob: Must be defective.
 
Censor Steve: Just like the other two dozen.
 
Censor Joe: We need to talk to the table-guys...
 
The Censors take their meals back to the room they were in to begin with, and sit down again. The table groans, but it holds, just barely.
 
Censor Joe: *mouth full* So... grrmph... how are you guys, anyway?
 
Censor Steve: Grmmph... gshhnff... I’m good... the baby’s due in a week or two...
 
Censor Bob: Chmph... grmmph... have you... crrggmmph... picked a name yet?
 
Censor Steve: Not yet... *swallow* ...you guys have any ideas?
 
Censor Joe: *swallow* What’s the original Japanese name?
 
Bob and Steve: ...
 
Censor Joe: *slaps head* ...I’ve been working here too long...
 
Censor Steve: *eating a chicken leg*
 
Censor Bob: *eating a nacho*
 
Censor Joe: *eating a burrito*
 
- - -
 
Chris: And there you have it, folks. That’s what the FOX Kids censors get up to when they aren’t messing up our Digimon. There was initially some more to tell in this story... about fifty more pages, actually... but then they found out I was writing it... and they... uh... censored it.
 
Chris is sitting in a HUGE pile of money.
 
Chris: Seriously, they forced me to change it. They didn’t feel that the details about them I was revealed were suitable.
 
Pause. Chris adjusts his hat.
 
Chris: By the way, do you like my hat? It’s made of MONEY! Yes, anyway, it’s not as if they were embarrassed by what I was saying, they just didn’t think it was suitable.
 
Pause. Camera starts to pan out.
 
Chris: Wait, hold on a sec! Would you like to stay for dinner?
 
Camera pans out a little faster.
 
Chris: I THINK WE’RE HAVING *MONEY*!!!!
 
Camera pans out too fast, and the cameraman trips over backwards. The camera smashes, and the screen dissolves into static.
 
Chris (v/o): Ah, crap.
 
- - -
 
THE END!!