Author's Notes and Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, but the Fantom and Censors are my characters. This fic is part of a longer series, but it can be read on it's own, as it begins with a recap of everything that's happened so far. If you want to READ what's happened so far, go and check out:
"A Piedmon's Life Is Not A Happy One...!"
"Secret Files and Digi-Origins!"
"The Unusual Suspects"
"The Real Digi-Kaiser!"
and "It's Only TV... But I Like It!"
- in that order. And now, let's get this ball rolling...!
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SOMEBODY SET UP US THE BOMB!
Part Six - and the penultimate chapter of - The Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom!
By Chris McFeely
- - -
Charlene: Hi - everyone! For - those - of - you - with - short - memory - spans - - Im - Charlene - - better - known - to - you - as - Izzys - laptop! As - were - getting - towards - the - end - of - this - utter - stupidi- - ahem - - I - mean - - exciting - story - - Im - here - to - recap - everything - thats - happened - for - you - readers!
The - first - sign - of - trouble - was - a - series - of - accidents - that - began - just - after - the - cast - came - back - after - going - on - strike. Mummymon - was - hospitalised - - and - so - was - his - replacement - - Piedmon. After - that - - the - other - injured - cast - members - had - Izzy - and - me - hack - our - way - into - the - FOX - Kids - computer - database - - to - see - if - we - could - find - anything - - but - we - had - no - luck. Then - - however - - the - instigator - of - the - current - state - of - chaos - revealed - himself - - he - called - himself - the - FOX - Kids - Fantom, - and - said - he - swore - revenge - on - us - all! Its - a - pity - we - dont - know - WHY! After - that - - the - Censors - called - in - a - detective - to - try - to - solve - the - mystery - of - the - Fantoms - identity. He - didnt - have - any - luck - - and - we - later - found - him - lying - in - a - heap - on - the - recording - studio - - thinking - he - was - a - cantaloupe. Just - recently, - the - Fantom - cut - the - power - to - all - but - one - of - the - buildings - recording - studios - - and - we - had - to - run - the - station - by - ourselves - for - a - while.
Also - - for - some - odd - reason - best - known - to - the - author - - cantaloupes - have - been - appearing - all - over - the - place - lately. He - knows - its - getting - annoying - - and - promises - hell - wrap - it - up - soon. And - now, - lets - get - on - with - our - story!
Izzy walks over.
Izzy: Who were you talking to?
Charlene: Oh - - no-one.
Izzy: Well, come on, were late.
Izzy picks up Charlene, and jogs to the Digimon studio, to join the others.
The digi-cast is standing around in the digi-recording studio, awaiting digi-directions from the digi-censors, who are digi-talking...
Ow! Sorry, I dont know what came over me...
Censor Joe: Okay, right, were seriously behind. How many episode do we have to go?
Censor Bob: *flicks through notes* We got ep 41 done after that debacle with the power going out, and weve got 42 and 43 done since then.
Censor Joe: Okay, and what eps been on TV?
Censor Steve: 40.
Censor Joe faints.
Censor Bob: *sigh*
Censor Steve whistles, and Jeff Nimoy limps up.
Censor Bob: What happened to YOU? Did we leave you in the Box for too long again?
Nimoy: *shakes head* Nah, I hurt myself pulling a joke out of my ass.
Censor Steve: But the kids love the jokes... they do, really... so keep up the good work! I mean, you REALLY improved Azulongmons character with all those EXCELLENT and WITTY jokes!
The interior of a club of some kind. Azulongmon floats on stage, in front of the mic stand.
Azulongmon: ...and so I sez to him, I sez... thats not a Destiny Stone - thats my wife!
Nimoy: Dont patronise me, you fat bastard.
Censor Steve backhands Nimoy across the face.
Censor Bob: Cmon, you know why youre here. Joe fainted.
Nimoy: ...aw, Christ, do I HAVE to?
Bob & Steve: YES!
Nimoy: *sigh* Geez... they really cut that third movie up bad! It was butchered! I hate it! It was the worst part of the movie! We demand an apology!
Censor Joes eyes snap open, and he jumps to his feet and starts throttling Nimoy. He then throws him down and grabs the camera, filling the screen with his fat face, which is now a beetroot colour.
Censor Joe: Now you listen to ME, you filthy, stinking INGRATES! Listen, and listen good! Did you SEE how all the advertising for the movie focused on the second part, with Diaboromon? DID YOU? Well, THATS because it was the LONGEST PART. Now, we COULD have left the third part the same length... but then IT would have been the longest part, and IT would have had to be the focus of the advertising! And THEN, when you little punks, with your goddamned ten-second attention spans, went into the theatres, you would have had to sit through the FIRST and SECOND movies - thats an HOUR of stuff that WOULDNT HAVE BEEN ADVERTISED - before you got to the part that WAS ADVERTISED! ITS ALL COMMERCIAL, you SONS OF BITCHES! WE DID OUR BEST TO MAKE ONE MOVIE OUT OF THREE UNRELATED ONES, AND IF YOU DONT LIKE HOW WE DID IT - WOULD YOU HAVE PREFERRED IF WE HADNT BROUGHT IT OVER HERE AT ALL?!?! WOULD YOU?!!??!!?!?
Censor Bob and Censor Steve roll their eyes.
Censor Bob: Get the taser.
Nimoy: *groans* Hes worse than my clinically psychotic cousin, who beat me up regularly and who we had to have committed, but who escaped recently and of whom no trace has been found for months.
Nimoy winks vigorously at the camera.
An anvil lands on Nimoys head, and the Fantom bounds down from the rafters. Everyone turns and watches.
Censor Joe snaps back to reality as Censor Bob readies the taser.
Censor Bob: Ah, nuts, I was looking forward to using that...
Bob drops it, and it zaps Nimoy as he crawls out from under the anvil. Nimoy belches a cloud of smoke and crawls off.
Censor Joe: *points at Fantom* What do YOU want?
Fantom: I told you the last time we met that the final curtain was about to fall... and so it is!
The Fantom twirls his wrist and points his cane into the air. Theres a loud volley of snapping noises.
Fantom: Youll find that thats the sound of every doorway and entrance to this studio locking shut.
The Fantom twirls again, and theres a humming noise, as a giant metal cylinder is lowered from the rafters.
Fantom: And youll find that THATs a rather large and powerful BOMB!
Censor Bob: ...whoa Nelly.
Tai: What do you WANT from us, you fruitloop?
Fantom: What makes you think I WANT anything?
Tai: *scratches head* Well... I dunno.... arent you *supposed* to want something? Isnt it, like, an evil villain essential?
A stick pokes the Fantom in the shoulder.
Chris (v/o, holding the other end of the stick behind the fourth wall): Its your contract.
The Fantom sees that theres a rolled up sheet of paper on the end of the stick, and snatches it off. He quickly scans it, and tosses it back over the fourth wall.
Fantom: Nope! My contract says that Im not contractually required to want anything.
Fantom: So, now, you can all kiss your pathetic little lives goodbye!
Theres a click, and the timer on the bomb starts counting down from one hour.
Matt: An HOUR? Geez, what, you couldnt finish us off QUICKLY?
Fantom: Naw, I dont wanna. Itll be much more fun to watch you squirm.
Izzy sets Charlene down, and opens her...
Fantom: Oh, and you should know that ANY tampering of ANY kind AT ALL will result in the bomb going off immediately. Theres no deactivation switch, no wire to cut, nothing. Just... this.
The Fantom holds out his hand, showing the kids a small silver box with a red button on it.
Fantom: For my personal use, in case of an emergency, of course, itll shut the bombs timing computer
Sora: THEREs the evil villain cliché.
Sora: Youre supplying the means by which we can defeat you, thus setting up a case of supreme irony, as itll be something of your own creation which allows your failure. And irony is always fun. See?
Fantom: ...shut up. I dont like you any more.
Fantom: Im goin now. You spoilt my fun. And I can watch you DIE - just as Ive always wanted! AHH-HAHAHAHAHA-
Tai: There, see, you DO want something.
Fantom: I SAID SHUT UP!
The Fantom disappears in his traditional cloud of purple smoke.
Joe: Well, were boned.
BlackWarGreymon: Were doomed... all doomed... were gonna be blown to smithereens... all we are... is dust in the wind....
T.K.: Anyone who can fly, look around up in the rafters! Theres got to be SOME way out!
Biyomon, Patamon and Hawkmon take to the air, and flutter up into the rafters. Myotismon, and all of those other Digimon who look like they shouldnt be able to fly but actually can, go after them.
Izzy: Hey... wheres Tentomon?
- - -
Somewhere, in total darkness... a familiar voice...
Voice (v/o): Yes... heh, heh... its almost over... just a little longer... heh... soon, Ill be free...
*DUN DUN DUNNNN!*
Spooky, isnt it?
- - -
Hawkmon flutters back down the ground.
Hawkmon: Much apologies, my good chaps and chapettes, but it wouldst appear that there is no means for us to escapeth!
Kari: *whispers to Yolei* Hes getting worse...
Censor Joe: This is a big studio. Lets all split up and look for clues, gang!
Matt: Like, sure thing. Like, cmon, Gabby, maybe we can, like, find some food!
Gabumon: Roinks! I rant a Rooby Rack!
Everyone splits up and goes a-searching.
- - -
Myotismon, Piedmon and Arukenimon are searching together, although none of them seems to be happy about it.
Arukenimon: Youre so smart, I knowwww youll find out who that mean old Fantom is!
Piedmon: Woman, if you do not remove your hand from my buttocks, I swear to God, I am going to cut your arm off.
Arukenimon: I love it when they play hard to get!
- - -
Matt: So, anyway, like I was saying, I used to think that my only purpose was to protect T.K....
BlackWarGreymon: Geez, man, thats a CRUDDY purpose. What, couldnt you aim higher?
Matt: Shut up. Anyway, after he proved he could take care of himself, I though that I didnt have a purpose.
BlackWarGreymon: No! No, thats not true! All living things have a purpose! They MUST!
Matt: Calm down, dude. I found out that I did have purpose - I was an important member of the team.
BlackWarGreymon: So, yer sayin...?
Matt: Everyone has a purpose, be it big or small. And it may take a long time, but youll find out what it is eventually.
BlackWarGreymon: *sniff* Oh... God... thats... so beautiful...
Matt: Dude, please, dont...
BlackWarGreymon: So... this is what it feels like... when doves cry! WAAAA-HA-HAAAA!!
BlackWarGreymon picks Matt up and hugs him tightly.
Matt: There goes my spleen...
- - -
Ken, Mimi and Yolei are searching off in another part of the studio.
Ken: Why in the name of all that is holy did you have to drag me along?
Mimi: If you think Im staying alone with HER after that little Digi-Awards thing, forget it...
Yolei: And you might as well give up now, you know. We ARE going to be married in twenty five years.
Ken: Not if I can help it! Yoink!
Ken darts off, and Yolei runs after him.
- - -
Back with at the bomb, Izzy, Charlene, Nimoy and the Censors converse.
Izzy: He said we cant tamper with it, but we can still tap into it. Charlene?
Charlene: Whatever - you - want - honey!
A cable pops out of Charlenes side and knocks the side panel off the bombs timer. Nimoy and the Censors clench.
Censor Joe: GENTLY, dammit!
Charlene: Bite - me.
The cable plugs itself in inside the timer.
Everyone looks at Charlene oddly.
Everyone jumps back.
Censor Bob: Nothing!
Censor Steve: Nothing at all!
Censor Joe: Just keep right on doing what youre doing there!
Charlene engages the bombs timing computer in conversation.
Charlene: Hi - there - - hows - it - going? *pause* Why - thank - you - - yes - I - did - make - it - myself. *pause* Oh - I - am - not. *pause* I - am - not! *pause* Youre - cuter! *pause* Yes - Id - love - t-
Izzy hastily yanks Charlenes cable out of the bomb.
Charlene judders backhand forth violently for a second.
Charlene: What - the - hell - did - you - do - that - for?
Izzy: Uhm... it was, like, sparking and stuff...
Nimoy: I didnt see any sparks...
Izzy smacks Nimoy in the face with the cable.
Izzy: It was SPARKING.
Nimoy: Sparking. Yes.
Izzy: So, did you get anything from that?
Charlene: Hes a Virgo, hes twenty one, and he likes playing Minesweeper.
Izzy: *sigh* If Willis was here, he could probably lend a hand. But he went back to Colorado.
Izzy winks crazily at the camera.
Charlene: WILL - EVERYONE - PLEASE - STOP - DOING - THAT?!?
Tai pokes his head around a piece of scenery.
Tai: Hey, does anyone have, like, a mop or something? Sora said Matt had some kinda accident.
Censor Joe grabs Nimoy and holds him out. Bob frizzes up Nimoys hair. Joe hands him to Tai.
Censor Joe: Here ya go.
Tai: Er, no thanks. Any luck yet?
Izzy: Nothing yet. But there must be some way out of here - the Fantom had to get out somehow. He couldnt have simply teleported himself, he mustve merely used the smoke cloud as cover.
Tai: Well, I dunno. What about Shiwaddywaddy, does she have any ideas?
Charlene: My - NAME - is - CHARLENE! You - BEG - to - be - KILLED!
Tai: Come over HERE and say that!
Charlene starts bouncing along the floor, moving towards Tai.
Tai begins to back up.
Tai: Hey, now...
Charlene: FRY - - ARROGANT - EARTH - SCUM!! CONNECTION - TERMINATOR!
An electricity bolt crackles past Tais head, singing his hair.
Tai spins on his heel and runs like crazy.
Charlene: Come - back - here - and - fight - like - a - man - you - DOG!
Charlene bounces off after Tai, zapping away at him. Izzy gives chase.
Censor Steve: ...
Censor Joe: ...
Censor Bob: ...hey, you guys wanna get something to eat?
Nimoy: Ahem... the bomb?
Censor Bob: Ah, dont worry, weve got like an hour... thats plenty of time to snack and then get blown to oblivion.
Censor Joe: The man makes a point, Nimoy.
Censor Steve: Ive got me a hankering for some GORDITAS!!
- - -
Charlene: Im - gonna - gut - you - like - a -FISH!!
Izzy: Charlene, get a hold of yourself!
Charlene has chased Tai back behind all the scenery, and Tais back up against a wall. Izzy grabs Charlene.
Charlene: Put - me - DOWN - pointdexter! Im - gonna - KILL - him!!
Charlene wiggles around in Izzys arms, as he tries to keep a hold on her. He fails, and she hurls herself at
Tai kicks out, surprisingly managed into smack Charlene with his foot, and knocking her aside.
Izzy dives for Charlene, but hits the ground too soon, and she sails past him.
Charlene: You - are - SO - gonna - GET - IT - now!!
Charlene lands hard on a floorboard... which creaks, and seesaws upward.
Tai: Yeesh, Silvia, you put on weight?
Charlene: CONNECTION - TERMINATOR!!
Another electric bolt leaps out and zaps Tai, charring him. He coughs out a smoke cloud.
Izzy: Hey... look...!
As Izzy points, the section of wall that Tai is standing beside opens up, revealing a corridor.
Izzy: Its a secret passage!
Charlene: Who - are - you - - the - narrator?
No, IM the narrator... and Im sure you astute readers remember seeing THIS before, right? The Unusual Suspects, right? RIGHT? Cmon, Im dyin over here!!
Izzy picks Charlene up, and all three of them go into the passage, the light from Charlenes screen
brightening the way.
Tai: Hey... do you hear that?
Izzy listens, and hears a sound up ahead.
Izzy: Sounds like... someone eating...
Tai: Whats that smell?
Charlene: I - dont - smell - anything.
Izzy: Thats because you dont have a nose.
Quietly, Tai, Izzy and Charlene edge along the narrow corridor, until they can see a light at its end. Slowly, they peer around the corner of the corridor, into the lighted room...
...and there, atop a large pile of round, green fruit, sits...
Havent used one of these tension-spacers in a while, eh?
Tai, Izzy & Charlene: TENTOMON!?!?!?!
Tentomon looks up, holding a cantaloupe between his talons, just as he is about to bite into it.
Tentomon: Oh crap.
- - -
Youd better believe its:
TO BE CONTINUED!
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Come back next time for the final chapter of the FOX Kids Fantom saga -
THE FACE OF THE FANTOM!
- when all your questions will be answered, and more will be raised!
- - -
This is your last chance to throw out theories on the Fantom's identity before he's unmasked! Is it Tentomon? Or could it be Willis? Or maybe - you're going to hate me forever and not read another of my stories ever when you find out!! Either way - review!!