Author's notes: This is part of a large, multi-part saga, "The Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom." This story CAN be read on it's own - it's very good for informing people about my self-created funfic characters - but for the bigger picture, go and read "Casting Call!" and "A Piedmon's Life Is Not A Happy One...!"

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At the top of the FOX Kids building, Censors Joe, Bob and Steve stand before the almighty CEO Vader, as he regards them from his seated position on his throne.

Vader: ...what the hell’s going ON AROUND HERE?

Censor Joe: We... we have our best men working on it, your lordship, sir.

Vader: Not a day goes by without some form on industrial accident or injury to a cast member in your department! Digimon is our most valuable asset right now, and we cannot afford to lose it! You MUST discover the cause of these “accidents”!

Censor Bob: We endeavour to serve the greatness that is...

Vader: Oh, get your nose out of my ass and do your job, dammit!

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(Part Three of "The Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom!")

By Chris McFeely

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Izzy sits on top of a crate of props, tapping away at Charlene. For those of you with short memory spans, Charlene is the name of his laptop. It talks. Seriously. Tentomon sits beside him.

Charlene: What - are - we -doing - today - Izzy?

Izzy: Well, I thought first I’d check my message boards, then my newsgroups, then go and download the new reverse megabyte multiplay ultra-configuration anti-viral game patch from PatheticComputerNerds.Com...

Charlene: Why - do - we - never - do - what - *I* - want - to - do? You - never - TAKE - me - anywhere - any - more...

Izzy: *notices that Tai is coming towards him* Not NOW, Charlene...

Tai limps up, his left leg in a cast. Behind him are Kari - her arm in a sling - Sora - a bandage over her head - Cody - wearing a neck brace - and Matt - with a harmonica-shaped lump jutting out of his throat. Sora and Matt are arm-in-arm, and are talking quietly...

Sora: Just to be clear, again... you know I’m only doing this to make Tai jealous, right?

Matt: Yup. And *you* know that *I’m* only doing this to get Jun off my back, right?

Sora: Yup.

Matt: ...God, we ARE pathetic, aren’t we?

Sora: No doubt.

Tai walks up to Izzy.

Tai: Izzy... we’d, uh, guess that you’ve noticed all the... accidents that keep happening around here...

Izzy: Accidents? What accidents?

All of them sweatdrop.

Izzy: Oh, yeah, right.

Tai: Uh... anyway... we figure, they can’t ALL be coincidences... there’s something WEIRD going on around here. We were wondering... is there a chance you and Shirley could hack into the FOX computer files, and see if there’s anything in there about all this?

Charlene: My- NAME - is - CHARLENE!

Tai: YES! Charlene! That’s what I meant! DON’T HURT ME!

Charlene: Your - just - ASKING - for - it - hair-boy.

Izzy: Hmn... that would seem to be a viable hypothesis... very well, I’ll do it.

Tentomon: Uhm... can you... excuse me for a while, Izzy? I have something I need to... do.

Izzy: Sure...

Tentomon runs off like a startled wombat, and Izzy starts typing on Charlene.

Izzy: Hmn... there are numerous levels of security... the first shouldn’t be too hard to breach...

Izzy hits a few more keys.

Charlene: Ow! Not - so - hard!

Charlene bleeps.

Izzy: We’re in!

Tai: What’s in there?

Izzy: It seems to be an information database...

Kari: Information on what?

Izzy: Information on...

Charlene: ...ME!

Charlene bleeps, and activates the link on her screen. A new window flashes up!



(Author’s note - click the link, read the page, then return here to continue on with the story! Do this with each new link that you come across! Each page that opens is the page that Charlene has accessed - read along with Izzy and the others!)


Charlene: *mutter* Makes - me - out - to - be - some - kind - of - maniac...

Tai: I thought it was quite accurate...

Charlene: Okay! That’s - it! CONNECTION - TERMINATOR!

Tai is blasted across the studio by a bolt of electricity. He crashes into a backdrop, and the noise attracts the attention of Davis, Willis, Yolei and Mimi.

Willis: What was THAT?

Kari: ...who are you, again?

Willis: *growls*

Kari: *whispers to Yolei* Who’s the new kid?

Yolei: Beats the heck out of me.

Davis: C’mon guys! It’s Willis! You remember him, right?

Kari & Yolei: ...

Davis: Eh, who asked you anyway...

Mimi peers over Izzy’s shoulder - as best she can, as she’s wearing a back brace.

Mimi: What’s going on?

Izzy: Tai asked me to hack into the studio computer files - we’re trying to find out if the execs around here know anything about the weird accidents that’ve been happening.


Everyone removes their fingers from their ears.

Mimi: Did you find anything out yet?

Matt: They keep a file on Charlene, anyway.

Charlene: The - FOX - mainframe - is - a - friend - - such - a - flirt - - bet - it’s - for - his - personal - use...

Davis: You wish.

Charlene: Back - off - ya - little - bitch.

Izzy: Hold on a second... there’s something else coming through here... I think we’ve almost penetrated the second level of security...


Izzy: We’re in!

Yolei: What’s in there?

Izzy: Looks like... staff records...




Everyone turns to look at Yolei.

Yolei: What? C’mon, get real! Like I’m shallow enough to use a man’s feelings to manipulate him...

All: ...

Yolei: ...I hate all of you.

Yolei spins on her heel and storms off.

Izzy: There’s still more...




Matt: Ooh, Bon Jovi. I have newfound respect for Bob.

Sora: It’s my life... it’s now or never...

Tai blinks.

Tai: Sora, I’m deeply and madly in love with you, I want to marry you, and I want you to have my kids and I want for us to grow old together and all that stuff.

Sora: *looks around* ...sorry, did you say something?

Tai: Nope.

Sora: ‘kay.

Tai quietly and repeatedly bashes his head off a wall.

Izzy: Here’s another one...




Izzy continues to search this level of security, which is extensive, oblivious to what goes on around him.

Davis: Mmmn... cheese fries... *gargle*

Willis: Cheese fries are overrated.

Davis: What’chu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?


Willis grabs Davis by the collar and slams him against the wall.


Willis bashes Davis off the wall several times, until T.K., Ken and Joe, their attentions caught by the noise, round the corner, and, having avoided injury thus far, manage to prise Willis off Davis.

Willis: If one more of you damn Japanese ask me what I’m talking about, you’re gonna FEEL the WRATH of the U. S. of A, damn you all!!

T.K.: God, man, simmer down!

Willis: I’M PERFECTLY CALM! One of these days, though, I’m GONNA snap... and THEN, you’re ALL gonna be sorry you asked me what I was talking about!!

Willis shoves T.K. off of him and stomps off, muttering angrily and growling.

Cody: He has some serious people problems.

Joe: You can’t blame the guy... after all, how easy can it be to relate to people when you don’t technically exist?


Izzy: I’ve penetrated the third level of security... it’s the last... so if what we’re looking for isn’t here, then we’re in trouble.

Sora: Well, come on, what’s it say?

Izzy: There’s just one file...




T.K.: That is deeply disturbing.

Ken: I don’t know, he has nice fashion sense. That whole Retro seventies armour suit thing is hip...

Cody: This IS coming from the guy who wore a disco suit to commit evil, after all...

Ken puts one hand on his hip, and points into the air with the other.

Ken: You can tell by the way I use my walk... I’m a woman’s man...

Yolei: You certainly are!

Yolei appears again, grabs Ken, and runs off with him, dragging him along the ground.

Ken: NOOOOO!! In the name of God, somebody HELLLLP MEEEE!!

Everyone ignores Ken.

Izzy: Well... that’s it. There’s nothing more here.

Censor Joe: What’s that?

Everyone turns to see the three censors plodding over towards them.

Tai: Uh... we... that is, I.... or, y’know... Izzy...

Davis: ....we certainly weren’t hacking into classified files and reading secret information, that’s for sure!!


Everyone falls over, anime-style.

Davis: ...what?

Censor Steve: Hacking? Heck, you didn’t need to go and do that.

Censor Bob: Yeah, those files are okay to view. You just needed the password.

Censor Joe: You could’ve asked Nimoy.

Censor Joe bends over and grabs a floorboard, then pulls it out. He reaches down, underneath the floor, and pulls Jeff Nimoy out of the hole. The poor man is filthy, stinking, wearing rags, and has about a week’s beard growth.

Nimoy: Oh... sweet God... the beautiful light...

Censor Joe: *drops Nimoy to the ground* Knock it off, Nimoy.

Nimoy: ...the light... the day... day time... daytime television... vision... visions of darkness... the green orbs... they surround me...

Censor Bob: What the hell are you babbling about?

As if to answer Bob’s question, out of the hole from which Nimoy came... a cantaloupe appears, and rolls away.

Nimoy: *shrieks*

Censor Steve: I could go for some cantaloupe about now...


Voice (v/o): I’m afraid THAT, my dear censor, will have to wait!

Censor Joe: What the diddly...?

Matt: Who the...?

Izzy: ...where...?


There’s a swishing noise, and something whooshes past above the group’s heads... something black, white and red. It swings on a rope, and swoops lower, releasing the rope and dramatically somersaulting through the air, to land gracefully on a plinth on the wall, in front of and above the group of onlookers.

Charlene: Slap - a - SCART - cable - in - my - interface - and - call - me - Pineapple - Surprise...

You alert readers will know who this figure is... but the kids and censors don’t...!

Figure: I am... the FOX KIDS FANTOM!

Nimoy screams like a girl and hides behind Censor Steve.

Censor Joe: Well, f*ck me sideways.

Fantom: Know you all well that it is *I* who have caused the “accidents” that plague you! And I will continue! Until my grand plan comes to it’s conclusion... when the finale shall be writ in fire and blood!

Tai puts an arm around Sora, while Joe and Mimi hold each other, as do T.K. and Kari. Davis is still wondering why everyone fell over about five minutes ago.

Fantom: Oh, cease your snivelling! I’m not going to destroy you... well, not YET, anyway...!

The Fantom unleashes a peal of evil laughter, as he reaches into his pocket, and produces the computer disk we saw at the end of “A Piedmon’s Life Is Not A Happy One...!”

Izzy: Who... who are you?

Fantom: Ah, that is a tale for another time.... say, perhaps, in the afterlife. For now... you must make do with this...

The Fantom casually tosses the disk to Izzy, who catches it.

Fantom: Farewell, fools! Our paths WILL cross again!

The Fantom laughs once more. As he disappears in a puff of purple smoke, the laughter turns to coughing.

Fantom: Geez... *hack* ...the guy at the store said it WOULDN’T irritate my lungs... *wheeze* ...I’m gonna sue his pants off...

Everyone looks at the disk in Izzy’s hands.

Cody: Wh... what do you suppose is on it?

Matt: There’s one way to find out...

Izzy: But... but what if it’s a virus? It could dump Charlene’s core...

Tai: ...your point being?

Charlene: *BLEEP!!*

Censor Joe: Oh, for God’s sake, don’t be such a pussy.

Censor Joe snatches the disk from Izzy and whacks it into Charlene’s disk slot.



Charlene: Grrrlllgxxx.... bbrrzzzzgghttt.... my - mind - is - going - Izzy - - my - mind - is - going...

Kari: Again?

Charlene: My - name - is - Charlene - - I - know - a - little - son- -I know a lit- - I - know - a - little - s-s-s-s-sssssssssssssss - -

Izzy: Charlene? CHARLENE?!?!

Charlene: ...

All: ...

Izzy: ...

Charlene: PSYCHE!! Had - you - going!

Izzy: Don’t EVER do that to me AGAIN!!

Charlene: Try - and - stop - me.

Muttering, Izzy accesses the disk, and opens the solitary file on it.




Everyone is quiet as Izzy finishes reading out the information. Tai breaks the silence.

Tai: What could he want?

Censor Bob: More to the point, who is he? If we knew that, we might be able to figure out what he’s after.

Izzy: It’s not an easy task...

Izzy looks around the room... Tai, Sora, Matt, Joe, Mimi, Kari, T.K., Davis, Cody, Censor Joe, Censor Bob, Censor Steve and Jeff Nimoy all look back. (this list supplied for your theorising convenience by ChrisCo. 2001 [patent pending, all rights reserved, have a nice day]).

Izzy: It could be anyone of us who isn’t here... or maybe someone we don’t even KNOW...

Kari: Well, I know SOMEONE who does...

Kari raps “Shave and a Haircut” on the fourth wall, and the “Two Bits” is rapped right back by me, Chris, the author-guy.

Chris: I ain’t tellin’, you know.

Kari: Rats.

Censor Bob: It might not even be someone from the Digimon department...

Censor Steve: ...Everyone in this building is a suspect... we might never figure it out...

Tai: We have to try!

T.K.: Yeah! ‘Cause if we don’t, the next few fics aren’t gonna be much to read...

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For the next part of “The Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom,” be on the look-out for:


- coming soon!

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Any more theories on the identity of the Fantom? Just throw 'em out when you... REVIEW! ^_^