Author's Notes and Disclaimer - I don't own Digimon, but the Censors and the Fantom are my characters. This fic is the conclusion of a multi-part arc of fics - you will almost certainly need to read "Somebody Set Up Us The Bomb!" as it immediately precedes this fic, and the cliffhanger from it leads in to the beginning of this fic. However, you don't have to read any of the others, but if you want to, they are:
"A Piedmon's Life Is Not A Happy One...!"
"Secret Files and Digi-Origins!"
"The Unusual Suspects"
"The Real Digi-Kaiser"
"It's Only TV... But I Like It!"
and as mentioned, "Somebody Set Up Us The Bomb!"
- in that order. Now, the conclusion...!
- - -
THE FACE OF THE FANTOM!
The totally anticlimactic climax to The Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom!
By Chris Youre Going to Hate Me For Life! McFeely
- - -
Tai: Hey, everyone, its Tai here! Last time, the Fantom made his final move, and set up a bomb in the recording studio, sealing all the exits! He disappeared, and we all got to searching to try and find a way out! Shaznay and Izzy tried to see what they could do about the bomb, but she seemed more interested in try to fry my head off! When I kicked her aside, she landed on a floorboard which opened a secret passageway - and at the end of the hidden tunnel it led down, we found - Tentomon! What do you suppose is gonna happen now?
Izzy: Who are you TALKING to?
Tai: *points at the camera* THEM.
Tai: The VOICES!
Tai: *grabs Izzy and shakes him violently* CANT YOU HEAR THE VOICES?!
A bolt of electricity sizzles between the two of them, separating them.
Charlene: LATER - boys.
Everyone turns their attention back to Tentomon, who cowers.
Izzy: Tentomon... I... I cant believe it...
Tentomon: I know... Im so ashamed of myself...
Charlene: Shouldve - known - from - the - beginning...
Tentomon: I couldnt help it..!
Tai: You, of all people?
Tentomon: I know!
Izzy: Youre the Fantom?
Tentomon: I know, I... WHA-HUH? WHAT?! Im not the Fantom!!
Charlene: You - expect - us - to - believe - that?
Tentomon: Well, I...!
Izzy: It doesnt look good, Tento. Youre holed up in here... a secret, sealed off room... you HAVE been disappearing at a moments notice lately... and... youre SITTING ON A PILE OF CANTALOUPES!!
Tai: Yeah, what in the name of God is UP with those things?
Tentomon: I... I swear it to you, Izzy, Im not the Fantom...
Izzy: Then I think you owe me an explanation as to why youve been disappearing.
Tentomon: I... I... all right... its so embarrassing...
Tentomon: It... it was just after the Christmas party... (back in Have Yourself a Digi Little Christmas...!) ...THESE things started showing up.
Tentomon holds up a cantaloupe at arms length.
Tentomon: They were everywhere... and I just thought it was odd, at first... but then... it was like they started calling to me... like they were begging to be eaten...
Charlene: This - is - the - most - ridiculous...
Charlene: *squeaks* Oh - yeah? Well - just - for - that - Im - not - putting - out - tonight!
Tai and Tentomon look at them.
Izzy and Charlene: WHAT?!
Tentomon: ANYWAY... It was like the cantaloupes were begging to be eaten... I had to eat them, Izzy... so I started to gather them up... and I found this old room back here, and made the secret door... and I started keeping the cantaloupes in here... and I had to keep eating them...
Izzy: So thats what youve been doing?
Tentomon: I... I cant stop eating them, Izzy... they... theyll hurt me if I stop... every so often, one would get away, and Id have to go and get it back... I hate them... and yet I love them... and yet I hate them... damn lousy cantaloupes... Ive eaten over a hundred of them... that detective, Vice... he found the secret door, but the cantaloupes made me get rid of him...
Tentomon gestures - there are maybe two dozen cantaloupes forming the small pile on which he sits.
Tentomon: Im almost finished... its almost over... just a little longer... soon, Ill be free...
Charlene: If - hes - not - the - Fantom... how - come - he - has - - - THIS?!
Charlene bounces herself out of Izzys hands, and over into the corner. Izzy, Tai and Tentomon follow. Sitting in the corner is a small silver box, with a red button on it - the Fantoms bomb-timer deactivator.
Tentomon: That? I found that lying on the ground outside the door a little while ago.
- - -
The Fantom scrabbles around on the ground outside - still inside the studio.
Fantom: Come on, come ON, its got to be here somewhere... TELL me that Sora girl wasnt right... I need to find it, or they could use it to save themselves... geez, this sucks...
- - -
Back in the main area of the studio, the Censors return from snacking.
Censor Steve: Hey, does anyone want the rest of my Big Gulp?
Gatomon: Right here, Steve-o.
Gatomon plonks herself down and drinks the Big Gulp.
Censor Joe: *mouth full of chalupa* Anyone have any luck with anything yet?
Nimoy: Izzy and Tai still arent back from wherever they went off to yet. And no-ones found an exit.
Censor Bob: *sigh* Well, Im dyin happy. *shoves two cans of whipped cream in his mouth and starts guzzling*
Censor Steve: *hums* Well, does anyone want to play charades, or something?
Mummymon: We have less than an hour to live, and YOU WANT TO PLAY CHARADES?!
Censor Steve: You got any better ideas?
Everyone grins and nods in agreement.
- - -
Arukenimon: Its a horse!
LadyDevimon: No, its a parrot!
Myotismon: A duck!
Censor Joe: Times up!
Piedmon: Good lord, what is WRONG with you?! *holds out the paper* Its clearly a three-toed sloth!!
Tai and Izzy come running up.
Tai: Weve got the bomb deactivator!
BlackWarGreymon: WERE SAVED! PRAISE GOLDRAMON!
Sora: Heh, I KNEW I was right.
Tai holds out the silver box.
Tai: So, now, all I must do.. is... push... the... button...
Nimoy: Yes... all you have to do... is... push... the... button...
Censor Bob: Yes... the button...
Everyone stands around.
Chris (v/o, other side of the fourth wall): Thats your CUE!
Fantom: Eh, what? Oh, right! Sorry!
The Fantoms cane hurtles through the air and knocks the box from Tais hand.
Fantom: Not so fast! I believe that belongs to me!
The Fantom bounds down from the rafters and snatches up his cane and the deactivator.
Tai: Not so fast!
Digimon: Agumon! Gabumon! Biyomon! Gomamon! Palmon! Patamon! Veemon! Wormmon! Hawkmon! Armadillomon! DIGIVOLVE TOOOO...!!! Greymon! Garurumon! Birdramon! Ikkakumon! Togemon! Angemon! ExVeemon! Stingmon! Aquilamon! Ankylomon!
Gatomon: *tosses empty Big Gulp aside* *burp* And me, too!
From out of nowhere, Run Around starts playing. Everyone looks at Matt, who just holds out his harmonic to show hes not playing it, and shrugs.
Greymon: NOVA BLAST!
The Fantom gracefully vaults over the fire ball, and lands perfectly. He then side steps a Howling Blaster from Garurumon, and ducks under Meteor Wing from Birdramon.
Fantom: Must try harder!
Angemon: Hand of FATE!
The Fantom somersaults backwards and the energy beam smashes into Ikkakumon.
Togemon: Needle Spray!
Togemon tries to spin on the spot, but instead winds up smacking Greymon and Garurumon in the face.
ExVeemon: Oy Vey! This isnt working! Vee Laser!
The Fantom crouches down, and the laser goes over his head.
Censor Joe: Hey, what did this thing do again?
Censor Joe pulls Azulongmons Digi-Core out of the props cupboard.
Stingmon: Ooh, shiny!
Digimon: Greymon! Garurumon! Togemon! Birdramon! Ikkakumon! DIGIVOLVE TOOOO....!! MetalGreymon! WereGarurumon! Lillymon! Garudamon! Zudomon!
The Fantom yawns.
Fantom: You know, this seriously cuts into the show time... you Censors ever think about fiddling with it?
Censor Joe: Ooh! Take that down!
Censor Bob makes a note.
Zudomon: Vulcans HAMMER!
The Fantom narrowly avoids getting squooshed, but has his shoulder raked by Stingmons Spiking Strike.
Stingmon: Ha, ha! I hit the Fantom, I hit the Fantom!
The Fantom clubs Stingmon around the head with his cane.
MetalGreymon: Giga Blaster!
The Fantom backflips up into the rafters, and the missiles explode on the spot where he was. He looks to the left, and sees Phantomon playing an organ - which is where Run Around is coming from.
Phantomon: I doo-ooo take requethtth, you knooo-oow.
Fantom: How about knocking the damn music off?
Phantomon: Ith that by the Beatleth?
The Fantom jumps back down as the smoke from the missiles clears - the blast wave has de-digivolved everyone close to it!
Fantom: Advantage - me!
Davis: Ah, geez! Lets make with the swirly lights and stuff!
ExVeemon and Stingmon: ExVeemon! Stingmon! DNA Digivolve to... Paildramon!
Aquilamon and Gatomon: Aquilamon! Gatomon! DNA Digivolve to... Silphymon!
Ankylomon and Angemon: Ankylomon! Angemon! DNA Digivolve to... Shakkoumon!
Ken: Now, kick his goddamn ass!!
Yolei: I love it when you take charge, Kenny...
Ken hides behind Piedmon.
Piedmon: Dont get me involved in this! Ive enough problems of my own!
Paildramon: Lets whoop some Fantom keister! *ExVeemons voice* Go left! *Stingmons voice* No, lets go right! *ExVeemon* Left! *Stingmon* Right! *ExVeemon* Oh yeah? *Stingmon* Yeah! *ExVeemon* OH YEAH?! *Stingmon* YEAHH!
Paildramon commences hitting himself in the head. The Fantom blinks and turns his attention to the other two DNA Digivolved Ultimates.
Silphymon: Static... F...f... uh-oh... *crosses legs* ...stupid Big Gulp... Ill be right back...
Silphymon darts off the battle field and to the bathrooms off to the side. Silphymon looks from left to right at the two doors - Ladies and Gents.
Silphymon: Which... ONE?!
Silphymon hops back and forth in front of the doors, and the Fantom massages the bridge of his nose.
Shakkoumon: Kachiiiinnnaaaaa Boooooooooo... ooohhhhh craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....
Shakkoumon freezes in mid-motion and slumps over.
T.K.: Dammit, Cody! You forgot to wind him, didnt you?
Cody: I knew I was forgetting something...
Cody produces a huge tin key, and he and T.K. clamber up on to Shakkoumons back and slot it into a large hole there.
T.K.: Okay, on my mark - turn! Mark!
Cody is catapulted into the air as T.K. turns the key.
Fantom: I dont believe this. Come ON, people! This is the end of the arc! The big finish! We need to have a huge final battle! Its IN my CONTRACT!
Agumon: Okay, then! You want a battle?
Fantom: Wouldnt mind.
Gabumon: Then you got it!
Agumon: Agumon, warp-digivolve to... WarGreymon!
Gabumon: Gabumon, warp-digivolve to... MetalGarurumon!
Both: WarGreymon! MetalGarurumon! DNA Digivolve to... OMNIMONNNNNNNN!!!
Omnimon: Transcendant SWORD!
Fantom: Oh, so you settled on a name after that Christmas mess, did youuu-woah!
The Fantom ducks as Omnimon swings his sword at him. The Fantom pops the blade from his own cane, and clashes it against Omnimons blade.
Omnimon: Hey... Im, like, ten times as tall as you...
Fantom: Shh! Be quiet, and the readers wont figure it out!
Omnimon grunts and hurls the Fantom backward.
Paildramon: *ExVeemon* OH YEAHHHH? *Stingmon* YEAAAAHHHH!!
The bomb deactivator clatters to the ground at Paildramons feet.
Fantom: Too slow!
The Fantom snatches it back again.
Paildramon: Too SLOW? Well show HIM! Paildramon, mega-digivolve to... IMPERIALDRAMON!
Imperialdramon: POSITRON LASER!
The Fantom somersaults sideways, and the laser smashes into Omnimon.
Fantom: Never mind the fact that a positron beam would obliterate Earth as we know it as a result of its positively charged electrons colliding with the negatively charged ones which orbit the composite atoms of our reality... but hey, what can you do...
Imperialdramon: *ExVeemon* You missed him! *Stingmon* No, YOU missed him! *ExVeemon* YOU!!
Imperialdramon starts hitting himself in the head again.
The Fantom comes to stop, and looks around.
Silphymon looks like its made a decision about which bathroom to use, but then changes its mind at the last minute. T.K. and Cody are still trying to wind Shakkoumon, while Omnimon has been knocked for six and is blathering about duckies and bunnies. Imperialdramon wrestles with himself, and then charges head first into a wall. Gomamon, Palmon, and Biyomon are just hiding behind their partners, who stare back at the Fantom. Censor Bob is still guzzling whipped cream, while Joe and Steve try to grab one of the cans from him. Charlene and Nimoy just look at each other.
Fantom: Well, this was a bit of a disappointment. I guess Ill just leave you to get blown up now... which should be happening in about...
A cantaloupe lands on the Fantoms head.
Fantom: OW! OW!
*BONK!* *BONK!* *BONK!*
Izzy peers over the fourth wall. Chris stares back.
Chris: Dont look at me, Im not dropping them!
One more cantaloupe crashes down on the Fantoms head, knocking him out cold. The bomb deactivator falls to the floor. Ken grabs it and quickly pushes the button. The timer stops, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.
Tai: Now, lets get rid of this thing...
BlackWarGreymon: Terror FORCE!
BlackWarGreymon blasts hole in the roof. Everyone just looks at him.
BlackWarGreymon: Hey, we COULD have done that before, couldnt we? Oh well...
Imperialdramon picks up the bomb in his claws and flies up into the air several miles. Omnimon floats up, and stands on the roof outside. At supersonic speed, Imperialdramon return to his side, the bomb left up in the air, falling back down. Omnimon lifts his arm.
Omnimon: SUPREME CANNON!
A purple bolt shoots off into the sky, following in a few seconds by an explosion as the bomb is destroyed harmlessly up in the sky.
Omnimon and Imperialdramon return to inside the studio, and separate into Agumon, Gabumon, Veemon and Wormmon. Silphymon screams and splits back into Gatomon and Hawkmon - Gatomon then charges into the ladies. Shakkoumon splits back into Patamon and Armadillomon.
Armadillomon: Missed the whole dang thing...
Davis grabs the Fantom by his collar, and lifts him up. The Fantom groans as he wakes up.
Davis: Now, lets finally get a look at who you ARE!
Davis grabs the side of the Fantoms mask, and rips it off!
Everyone in the studio gasps!
All of AFD gasps!
All of FF.N gasps!
Everything freeze frames!
- - -
On the other side of the fourth wall...
Chris: Stupid computer... freeze on ME, would you?
Chris sighs and reboots.
Chris: Okay, now, lets see...
- - -
Izzy: Well, its not Willis...
Tai: Its not Tentomon...
Sora: Its not Michael...
Matt: Its not Gennai...
Censor Joe: Its got to be Nimoys insane cousin that he mentioned last time, then, doesnt it?
As everyone looks down at the unmasked Fantom, Nimoys insane cousin strolls up behind them, and taps Nimoy on the shoulder.
Nimoy: Oh, hi Larry. Howd you get in here?
Nimoys Cousin: Thats not important. What is important is whats happened to me since I escaped care - Ive achieved spiritual nirvana and become one with the universe. Aint that just spanky?
Nimoys cousin peers down at the unmasked Fantom.
Nimoys Cousin: Hey, look, Jeff...
Nimoys Cousin likes tension...
Nimoys Cousin: ...its your evil twin brother, Clark!
Nimoys Cousin then wanders off, never to be seen, mentioned or used again. Everyone turns around and looks at Nimoy.
Censor Joe: You have a twin brother?
Censor Bob: And hes the Fantom?!
Nimoy: Sort of...
Censor Steve: What do you mean?
Nimoy: I mean...
ALL the Nimoys like tension!
Nimoy: ...IM Clark Nimoy!
Censor Joe: But... that means....
You know whats coming...!
Fantom: ...I, the Fantom - AM JEFF NIMOY!!!!!!!
*DUN DUN DUNNNN!!*
The Fantom - Nimoy - looks up into the rafters, scowling.
Phantomon: *looks back down* Thorry.
Censor Joe: But... but WHY, Nimoy?
Jeff Nimoy: You can DARE to ask me that, after the way you TREATED ME?!?
Censor Joe: Well, I...
Jeff Nimoy: The broom closets! Under the floorboards! IM A HUMAN BEING, DAMN YOU!! Well, I just couldnt take it any more! I got Clark to stand in for me, and I became the Fantom, to wreak my revenge on all of you - even the FANS! I tried to break your spirits... but it didnt work! Then, I decided Id destroy you ALL, so there would BE NO MORE DIGIMON, and then NO-ONE could HURT ME anymore!
Censor Bob slaps Jeff.
Jeff Nimoy: Ow!
Censor Bob: Newsflash, Nimoy... it didnt work.
Clark Nimoy: Watch your backs, Censor scum! Ive suffered what Jeff had to, and now I hate you as much as he does! Ill get you but GOOD!
Jeff Nimoy: Cmon, Clark, dont steal my thunder.
Clark Nimoy: Shut up.
Jeff Nimoy: No, you shut up.
Clark Nimoy: No, YOU shut up!
Jeff Nimoy: You WOULD say that!
Clark Nimoy: Mother always loved you more!
Jeff Nimoy: Damn right, she did!
Censor Joe: As amusing as watching you two is, what do we do now? We cant put our head writer in jail... but if we keep him on, he could try and, yknow, kill us.
Jeff Nimoy: Aw, dont worry about me, boss. Being the Fantom really helped me blow off steam. Im ready to come back and write like Ive never written before! DUCKIES AND BUNNIES, I TELL YOU! DUCKIES AND BUNNIES!
Censor Joe: Well, the police will want answers... and if we tell them the truth, youll go to jail...
Jeff Nimoy: Not necessarily...
Everyone looks at Clark.
Clark Nimoy: What? WHAT?!
- - -
Clark Nimoy: Im innocent! It was my brother, I tell you! MY EVIL TWIN BROTHER!
Cop: Aye, thats what they all say, laddy. Into th paddy wagon with ye, begorrah.
Up in the recording studio, which Nimoy has unlocked, everyone watches as Clark is dragged off.
Tai: Well, alls well that ends well.
Everyone looks around at the demolished recording studio.
Everyone walks off. Tentomon zips down from the rafters.
Izzy: Whereve you been?
Tentomon: I finished, Izzy! I finished!
Izzy: You ate all the cantaloupes?
Tentomon: Well, not ALL. A couple were left - but they said they didnt want to be eaten.
Izzy: ...O... kay.
Tentomon: When I heard the noise of the fight, I came right away! But I was so full, I knew I couldnt help in the fight. So I just sat up in the rafters...
Izzy: ...and YOU dropped the cantaloupes! Good work!
Izzy: You dropped the cantaloupes that knocked him out.
Tentomon: No, Izzy... I didnt drop any cantaloupes...
Izzy: But if you didnt... then... who did...?
The camera zooms in on a lone cantaloupe, lying on the floor. Suddenly, silently, apparently of its own accord, it begins to roll away...
- - -
The Saga of the FOX Kids Fantom is over! But theres more to come! Be on the look out for -
THE CANTALOUPE CONSPIRACY!"
- when this stupid mess is cleared up once and for ALL!
- - -
EXTRA SUPER SPECIAL AUDIO SURPRISE!!!!!!!
Click HERE to download a zipped file of audio samples from this fic! There's the DNA Digivolved Digimon fighting the Fantom, and then the Megas going up against him!