Pointless legal babble and author's notes - I don't own Digimon, duh. And, before you read this fic, it might be a good idea to have a little working knowledge of some of my running gags - or at least of Censor Joe, Bob and Steve- frome some of my other fics. I recommend "The First-Annual Digi-Awards," "Have Yourself a Digi-Little Christmas," and "The Censor Adventures," for full appreciation of this, and coming fics. But you don't have to - you should still be able to enjoy this one as is.
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By Chris McFeely
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Davis bangs his fist down onto a desk.
Davis: We arent gonna stand for it!
The camera pans out, and we can see that Davis, and the rest of the DigiDestined crew, including the 01 DDs, as well as all their Digimon, are standing in an office. Sitting behind the desk which Davis had just banged his fist on are Censor Joe, Censor Bob and Censor Steve.
TK: We havent had a rise in salary for years!
Censor Bob: So what, kid?
Kari: We want MONEY!!
Censor Steve: What are you gonna do about it?
Ken: Ill tell you what were gonna do - were going on strike!
The Censors go pale.
Yolei latches on to Kens arm.
Yolei: I love it when you take charge, Kenny!
Ken shakes his arm furiously, but Yolei holds on.
Ken: Can somebody do something about this?
Matt and Joe take the coat rack from the office and try to lever Yolei free. It snaps in two. Ken grimaces, and lets Yolei dangle off of him.
Censor Joe: A-heh... we... we can talk about this, right, kids?
Tai: Sure, we can talk about it.
Sora: Give us more money.
Tai: Thats all.
Censor Bob: Okay... uh... how about a rise of... er... 2%?
Davis bangs his fist on the table again, gets a splinter, and runs around the room crying until Mimi trips him up, he falls over, and his head winds up in the Censors waste-paper bin.
Everyone troops out of the room, Cody leading the bin-headed Davis, and Ken dragging Yolei along the ground, as shes still affixed to him, all muttering angrily. The Censors begin panicking.
Censor Joe: What do we do? WHAT DO WE DOOOO?
Censor Bob: Were all GONNA DIEEE!
Censor Steve: Doomed! DOOMED, I tells ya!
Censor Bob: Summon Nimoy!
Censor Joe opens the filing cabinet, and Jeff Nimoy clambers out. This time, his wrists are manacled together, and connected to a metal collar around his neck by chains.
Nimoy: Oh... thank God... its been... five days... I thought youd forgotten about me... the light... the light! It... burns my eyes!
Censor Joe smacks Nimoy, and drops him to the floor.
Censor Bob: Nimoy, we have a problem.
Censor Steve: The entire main cast has gone on strike. What should we do?
Nimoy: You... could... uh... hire a new cast?
Censor Joe: SILENCE FOOL! WHEN WE WANT YOUR OPINION, WE SHALL ASK!
Nimoy: ...you... did ask.
Censor Joe: ...
Censor Bob & Steve: ...
Censor Joe: I SAID SILENCE!
Joe picks Nimoy up and stuffs him back in the filing cabinet.
Nimoy: Ack.. augh... nooo! Not back into the dark! The dark! The dark is bad! The rats! THE RATS! They pick at my booooones -
Joe turns back from closing the cabinet.
Censor Bob: What do we do now?
Censor Steve: We have only one choice... we must confront... HIM.
- - -
The three Censors stand outside a pitch-black door. On either side, heavily-built men in white armour holding rifles, their faces hidden by visored helmets, stand.
Stormtrooper #1: What?
Censor Joe: We wish to see... HIM.
Stormtrooper #2: Proceed.
The door slides open, and the Censors hesitantly step through. On a dais in the centre of the room - surrounded by massive video screens, displaying endless loops of Flint the Time Detective, NASCAR Racers, and Angela Anaconda - is a throne, in which a figure, clad in black armour, sits. The thrones back is facing the Censors, so they cannot see the figure - but theyve seen him before, anyway...
Censor Bob: Oh... great CEO of FOX Kids...
Censor Joe: ...we... seek your wisdom.
Censor Steve: Please, help us.
The throne slowly begins to revolve, and a heavy, rasping breathing noise fills the air.
CEO Vader: *Kohhhh.... kehhhhh* What do you wish of me?
Censor Joe: Oh great CEO, the entire main cast of Digimon has gone on strike.
CEO Vader: On STRIKE? How did you fools allow this to happen?!
Censor Bob: They claimed their wages were not enough.
CEO Vader: *Kohhhh... kehhhhh* I am very disappointed in you, Joseph, Robert, Stephen.
Censor Joe: We... we do not know how to rectify out error! We have come to you for help!
CEO Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
CEO Vader extends his hand, and his fingers twitch. Censor Joes hand reach for his own throat.
Censor Joe: ACCK! Ahk-AK-HHK-KKHKKK-CHHKKAAKKCKKK!
Censor Bob: Dude... what are you doing?
Censor Joe: ACCkkk hkk - There, thats better. Sorry, my tie was too tight. You say something, boss?
CEO Vader: Eh, no, Im just trying to snap my damned fingers. Ive never been able to do that... Snap for me, Stephen.
Censor Steve snaps his fingers, and the screens all change to show Angela Anacondas deformed, colourless woman-child face.
CEO Vader: We shall replace Digimons time-slot with the pinnacle in cartoon shows! Angela Anaconda shall rule the airwaves!
Censor Joe: *cough* Boss, I know it was your idea to put that short at the beginning of the movie, but statistics show people F*CKING HATED IT.
CEO Vader: They did? Oh, poopy. Well, I guess well need to hire some new guys then.
Censor Steve: Excellent idea, my lord!
Censor Bob: Have you anyone in mind?
CEO Vader: When all else fails - guest stars.
Censor Joe: Well get right on it, boss!
The three Censors dart out of the room.
CEO Vader: *Kohhhh... kehhhhh* *sniff* They hated it...? *sniff* My name is Angela, hey, hello... welcome to my very own show... *sniff* *choke, gag, wheeze, etc*
- - -
Censors Joe, Bob and Steve sit in a row of seats in a theatre, with a stage all set up in front of them. The cleaning lady is standing on stage.
Censor Joe: Whos first?
Censor Bob: Someone named Sly, something... I cant read his writing.
Sylvester Stallone walks out on stage. The Censors shrink down into their seats.
Stallone: Huwllo thuhhr. Thddyy, I wuhh bhh ahhdshhninn fuhh dhh puhht uhvv TK.
Censor Joe: ...oh sh*t.
Stallone clears his throat, as the cleaning lady flicks through her script, as she will be reading the part of Kari in this scene.
Cleaning Lady: They want to take me to their dimension... but I dont think I have the strength to fight any more.
Stallone: Shh yhh jss ghhnna gvv up? Lhssn, Khrri, uh cuhhr tuhh mush abhht yuh tuh lhht yhh guhvv up whhvvut a fhht!
The Cleaning Lady blinks.
Stallone: Uhh... I mhhn... I... Im ghhnna go...
Stallone mimes walking off around the corner, which should signify the scenes end. However...
Stallone: *drops to his knees* KARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Muhh eyyes! I ccuhnnt see annyfnng, Kari! KARIIIIIIIIIII!
The Censors all sweatdrop.
Censor Bob: ...thank you, Mister Stallone, well be sure to let you know.
Stallone: Thanks. Ahn, ah jush wanna shyy... uhghyfhhghbbsshhgtthhh. Fft.
Censor Joe: Thats.... nice.
Censor Steve: NEXT!
Stallone and the Cleaning Lady walk off, and another actor comes on stage - squinty little eyes, big teeth, frizzy hair...
Censor Joe: And you are...?
Guy on stage: GOTTFRIEDS THE NAME! GILBERT GOTTFRIED! And Im here to AUDITION for the PART of WORMMON!
Censor Bob wipes Gottfrieds spittle out of his eye.
Censor Bob: Proceed.
Gottfried: HEY, KEN! I KNOW ya dont LISTEN TO ME MUCH - actually, HELL, YA NEVER listen to me, DO YOU? Well, PAY some FRICKIN ATTENTION TO ME, Im trying to DO YA A FAVOUR OVER HERE! Im just ASKIN YA, DONT DO IT!
Censor Bob (reading as Ken): Hmn.... Im sorry, I wasnt listening, did you say something?
Gottfried: HELL YEAH I SAID SOMETHING! WHATS the MATTER with you, kid, you DEAF OR SOMETHING? Im SITTING right OVER here and YER NOT PAYIN ATTENTION!
Censor Joe: *whisper* Hes improvising lines...
Censor Steve: *shakes head* Thats bad...
Gottfried notices Steve shaking his head.
Gottfried: HEY, WHATS WITH THAT! WHAT ARE YA DOIN THAT FOR? I DO SOMETHIN WRONG, DID I? YOU DONT APPRECIATE ME, DO YOU? IM FREAKIN OUT OVER HERE!!
The gale force winds which roar out of Gottfrieds mouth might have been enough to blow the Censors away, if they hadnt grabbed the back of their seats in time. However, they are then washed away by the flash-flood of spit that accompanies it, leaving Gottfried on his own.
- - -
A little later, after the auditorium has been bilge-pumped, and the Censors have changed back into some dry clothes, theyre assembled in the room again.
Censor Joe: NEXT!
Woody Allen walks out.
The Censors gasp.
Allen: Hi, how are you? Its nice to be here, I mean, yknow, really, it is.
Censor Bob: What part are you auditioning for, Mr. Allen?
Allen: Well, yknow, I mean, I thought Id, uh, Id try for the, uh, part of, uh, Ken, uh, yknow.
Censor Bob: Go right ahead!
Allen: Well, Id, uh, like to, uh, yknow, put my audition in the, uh, form of the, yknow, character talking about, uh, himself.
Censor Joe: Okay.
Allen: *clears throat* Well, okay, yknow, I mean, I had a chaotic childhood - my parents, they, uh, didnt, yknow, seem to have time for me. It was, uh, always about my, yknow, brother. He was the, uh, great one in the, yknow, family, and I mean, I never thought I was, uh, as good as him, and, uh, that was what I, yknow, thought my, uh, parents, uh, thought as well. But then, I mean, well, you find a glowing DigiVice, your first instinct is to, yknow, pick it up, but Sam - thats my brother, Sam was his, uh, name - he said, yknow, not to. But then, after that, well, yknow, he was hit by a, uh, a car, and, well... very traumatic for me, all in all, yknow what I mean, so, well, long story short, I had some, uh, issues, and to, uh, deal with them, I became, yknow *air quotes* evil *air quotes* and, well, conquered a, uh, world. Its a, uh, perfectly normal reaction to, yknow, overbearing tragedy, and, uh, yknow, well, I mean, bad stuff.
The Censors all jump on top of their chairs and applaud. Censor Bob throws a bouquet of flowers at Allen, which knocks his glasses off. He stumbles around looking for them, and falls off the stage.
Censor Steve: Oh, great! Now look what you did!
Censor Joe pokes Allen with his clipboard.
Censor Joe: You killed Woody Allen!
The Censors start arguing amongst themselves, as, behind them, Allen gets up.
Allen: Actually, uh, guys, Im, yknow, okay.
The Censors dont notice him.
Allen: *sigh* Its always the, yknow, same... you work and you slave, and what reaction do you get? I dunno, I mean, yknow.
Allen finds his glasses and walks off. A few minutes later, the Censors turn around again.
Censor Bob: Hey! Whered his body go?
Censor Joe: Maybe it rose from the dead!
Censor Steve: It could be anywhere in here!
Censor Bob: Hold me.
Censor Joe: Only if you hold me.
- - -
A few hours later, when the Censors have convinced themselves that the undead, indestructible corpse of Woody Allen is NOT stalking the theatre and watching their every move, they get on with the auditions.
Censor Joe: NEXT!
Matthew Perry walks out on stage.
Perry: Hi there, how are ya, good to be here. Today, Im gonna be auditioning for the part of Veemon.
Censor Steve: Okay, thats fine. Well be doing the scene from the conclusion of Darkness Before the Dawn, when you and Davis find the Golden Digi-Egg. Censor Joe will be reading the part of Davis, and Censor Bob will be Wormmon.
Perry: Well, alright then, lets do it!
Censor Bob: The engine room is this way.
Perry, playing DemiVeemon, is supposed to say Davis, look at that! when he sees the Golden Digi-Egg. However, he comes out with...
Perry: Ohwhatthehell is that?
Censor Joe: *blinks* Uhm... yeah... uh... *cough*
Censor Bob: Ken found that thing, it powers the whole base.
Censor Joe: So, we take it out, and the base stops moving? Well never be able to lift it!
Censor Steve pulls out a torch and starts flicking it on and off, to simulate the Golden Digi-Egg rising up. Perry makes a very odd bodily motion.
Censor Joe: You digivolved!
Perry: Oh, you bet I did!
Censor Joe: *acknowledging Digi-Egg* Looks like a Golden Digi-Egg! Its coming to me... that must mean its mine! Think you can handle it?
Perry: Oh, you just TRY me!
Censor Joe: Golden Armour, Enerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Censor Bob: ...
Censor Steve: ...
Censor Joe: ...GIZE!
Perry: Veemon, golden armour digivolve to-hooo-ooooo... MAGNAMON! Could I *BE* more digivolved?
Censor Steve: I think well end it there, thank you very much, Mr. Perry.
Perry: Could I *BE* a better choice?
- - -
Censor Bob: Whos left?
Censor Joe: Samuel L. Jackson?
Jackson walks out on stage.
Jackson: Sup, foos?
Censor Steve: *gulp* And... uh... who are you auditioning for the role of, Mr. Jackson, sir?
Jackson: I wanna play the role of Sam, the African-American DigiDestined wholl be showin up later in da series. Dat okay witchoo, FOO?
Censor Steve: Yes sir, Mr. Jackson, sir. *hides under his seat*
Censor Bob: We have yet to recieve our scripts for that part of the series - so youll have to ad-lib it.
Censor Joe: Lets set the scene... sayyy... an evil Digimon is attacking your home town, and the other DigiDestined call on you to fight with them. How do you react?
Jackson: I say to em: F*ck dis crazy sh*t.
Censor Bob: Erm... thats... very nice, sir. Well, what if youre trapped in the DigiWorld, and you have no way to get home. What do you do?
Jackson: I say: F*ck dis crazy sh*t.
Censor Steve: Hmn... and if you, perhaps, were making a cup of coffee?
Jackson: F*ck dat crazy sh*t.
Censor Joe: So, you would be, in fact, saying F*ck this crazy sh*t to everything?
Censor Bob: Thank you, Mr. Jackson, well let you know.
Jackson: F*ck dis crazy sh*t.
Censor Bob: NEXT!
Some tall guy wearing a long overcoat and a wide-brimmed hat walks out on stage.
Censor Steve: Whore you? Your names not on the list.
Guy: *with a ridiculously deep voice - it sounds like hes deliberately trying to disguise his voice* Paddy. Paddy Cup.
Censor Joe: And you are auditioning for the role of...?
Censor Steve: Yknow... you look kinda familiar...
Guy: I can assure you, weve never met before.
Censor Steve: Are you sure? Maybe I saw you at a party once?
Guy: Can we get on with this scene?
Censor Joe: Which scene are you interested in looking at?
Guy: The one from episode 38... yknow... where I... I mean, Tai... gets to touch Sora...
Censor Steve: Hrmn... THIS scene?
Steve holds his clipboard out, but the guy on stage cant read it. Steve walks to the base of the stage, and the guy leans over to read it... but his hat falls off.
Censor Steve: I KNEW Id seen you before!
Chris McFeely: Dammit! Time to make myself scarce...
Chris snaps his fingers, and disappears.
Censor Joe: Ohhh, were gonna GET him, some day...
- - -
Chris materialises outside the FOX building, and runs off down the street. In front of the gates, meanwhile, the DigiDestined and Digimon are walking back and forth, holding up placards. Cody is having trouble holding up the huge card sheet, and is wobbling dangerously, while Ken is finding it difficult to walk, given that he has to drag the clinging Yolei along the ground beside him.
Davis: Hell no, we wont go! Hell no, we wont go! What do we want?
All: MORE PAY!
Davis: When do we want it??
Davis: Oh, right, yeah, now. Id forgotten. Thanks for clearing that up, guys.
TK: Hey Davis... *points at Daviss placard* ...you spelt FOX wrong.
Davis: What are you talking about?
Davis looks at his placard.
Davis: See? C-A-N-T-A-L-O-U-P-E-S. FOX.
Kari: Honk if you hate cantaloupes.
Izzy: Makes you wonder why so many people have been honking.
Tentomon: Damned lousy cantaloupes...
- - -
CEO Vader views the audition tapes.
CEO Vader: *Kohhhhh....kehhhhh* What IS this?
Censor Bob: Uh... guest stars, sir?
CEO Vader: This does not amuse me.
Censor Joe: You are... displeased, sir?
The screens all flick to display Angela Anacondas horrendous visage once more.
CEO Vader: Most assuredly. *Kohhhh... kehhhhhh* I am displeased, because I am certainly not pleased, for that is what I am, on account of I am not happy.
Censor Steve: ...
CEO Vader: I will hurt you, oh yes, that is what I shall do. Help me! you will cry! *dissolves into fits of giggles*
Censor Joe: Are you... okay, sir?
CEO Vader: *giggle* *sob* *giggle* *sob* *sob* Why didnt they like my idea, Joseph?
Censor Joe: Its a cruel world, sir.
CEO Vader: Get those Digimon kids back in here! Give them more money! Give them whatever they want!
Censor Bob: Well get right on it, sir!
The Censors rush out, as CEO Vader curls up into the fetal position and rocks back and worth.
CEO Vader: Shooby-dooby-doo-wop-wop... my name is Angela... and you are not...
- - -
Censor Bob leans out a window with a megaphone in hand.
Censor Bob: We are willing to listen to your demands...
Kari: MORE MONEY!
Ken: No more scenes with HER! *jerks his arm, to which Yolei is still attached*
Tai: Elimination of Taito forevermore!
Matt: No frickin Sorato! Im getting DEATH THREATS, dammit!
Davis: I want to be taken seriously!
Wormmon: A pension plan! I sound like Im eighty years old, for gods sake!
Tentomon: Destruction of all cantaloupes!
The kids continue to shout out demands, as Censor Bob sighs.
Censor Bob: Come back inside, and well talk...
- - -
- - -
Censor Joe, Censor Bob and Censor Steve all stand around in the middle of the theatre.
Censor Steve: Well, we got em back.
Censor Bob: Yeah... I never want to go through that again...
Censor Joe: I dunno... having Yolei slap me was fun...
Bob and Steve: ...
Censor Joe: WHAT?
Censor Bob: We need to talk to you some time, Joey.
As the Censors talk quietly, the camera pans up, and away from them. It zooms in on the rafters... theres something there. A figure.... clad entirely in black, sits on a rafter, perched like a gargoyle, wearing a white, featureless mask, which covers his whole face. A flowing cape is splayed behind him, and a cane is clutched in one of his hands.
Figure: *whisper* Yes... talk on...
Down below, the Censors continue to chat, unaware of the presence of this enigmatic being.
Censor Joe: What? Seriously, guys, what is it?
Censor Bob: Later, Joe, later.
Censor Steve: Yeah, later. Just thank God thats over and done with.
Censor Joe: Eh, yeah. Lets go eat lunch.
The three fat men waddle out of the theatre, their footfalls shaking the ground. Even the rafters shudder, and the figure shifts to keep his balance.
Figure: Ah... yes... the time of the Fantom is nigh... yes... go, eat lunch... eat lunch... FOREVER!
Figure: Ah, wait, crap, no dont end the fic yet! I have better lines! I HAVE BETTER -
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Who could this mysterious figure be? (Yes, it IS meant to be spelt Fantom.) What could he be planning? Whats up with the cantaloupe thing? Stay tuned for further developments, and here me say Hey, this is, like, a multi-part thing! Rad!
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Before you review... if you didn't know who some of the actors above were... I'll tell you. The only two I can conceive that people might not know would be Gilbert Gottfried and Matthew Perry - Gottfried's a comedian, who kids would probably know best as the voice of Iago on "Aladdin." Perry plays Chandler Bing in "Friends." Anyway, now that THAT's cleared up (I know, it was probably unnecessary, but I like to cover my bases) - REVIEW! And be on the look out for ANY future humour fics from me - because the mysterious saga of the FOX Kids Fantom is just beginning!