Disclaimer and Author's Notes: I do not own the Digimon or Star Trek characters, but the Censors are my characters, as is Charlene, technically. Before reading this, you may wish to read "Where There's a Willis, There's a Way!" - the prologue to the arc which this fic begins - though it's events are recapped at the beginning of this one. At least a passing knowledge of Star Trek would be useful when reading this fic.
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TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MON HAS GONE BEFORE!
"Take Me To Another World!" Part One
By Chris McFeely
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Lopmon: Hola, folks. It's Lopmon here, set to fill you in on what happened last time. Shame on you if you missed it! See, Henry, one of those kids from the new series of the show turned up, and the Censors told Willis that he had to hand Terriermon over to him! Willis and Terriermon ran for it, but me and Terriermon had to Digivolve to fight off the other new kids and their Digimon. Willis and Henry reached an understanding, and Willis was going to let him have Terriermon. They shook hands - and all Hell broke loose! Can someone tell me what the fudge is going ON?!
The floor of the Fox Kids building that disappeared thrashes around in a black void, with bursts of energy emanating from it. Inside, everyone is being thrown around.
Censor Joe: OOF! The boss is going to have our heads for this...
Tai falls through the doorway as the entire floor does a one-eighty.
Tai: Izzy, I'm hoping you can explain this...
Izzy: Of course. That's the only reason I'm ever IN one of these fics.
Charlene: Well... that - and - it - gets - me - involved - too.
Matt comes crashing through a window as the floor performs a forward roll.
Tai: So, explain!!
Izzy points at Willis and Henry, who are still standing where they were when they shook hands, unmoving. Their faces are contorted, and their hair stands up on end. They are coated with a crackling purple energy, which is particularly strong around the spot where their two hands are connected.
Izzy: Charlene and I detected a disruption of the lines of force that bind all matter together when these two came into proximity. It's my belief that when an entity that doesn't really exist... *points at Willis* ...comes into contact with an entity that REALLY doesn't exist... *points at Henry* ...on a plane which DOES exist... *taps his foot on the floor* ...the result is a corruption of reality.
The floor makes a sharp right turn, and Ken and Davis smash through a wall.
Davis: What's happeninnnnng?
Izzy: Henry and Willis's coming into contact has resulted in reality being corrupted, so much so that it severed the lines of matter binding us to our dimension, and has sent us hurtling through the multiverse. At present, were in the non-existent space between realities.
Izzy: We've been sent into another dimension.
Davis: Like on that "Sliders" show?
Censor Joe clamps his hand over Davis's mouth.
Censor Joe: Don't be silly. This story is completely original. Utterly and total original. It's not ripped off, in any way shape or form.
A bead of sweat rolls down Joe's head as he nervously winks into the camera.
Charlene: Stop - DOING - that!!
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Voiceover: Space.... the final frontier... these are the voyages of... holy CRAP, what's that?
In the middle of space, the recording studio appears.
Izzy: We've entered the new dimension!
Davis peers out into space.
Davis: It's kinda empty.
Matt: And how come we can BREATHE out here...?
Izzy: I theorise that the transdimensional energies surrounding the recording studio are shielding us.
Lopmon: Oh, the bollocks they are.
Izzy: Shut it, you.
Takato and Guilmon wake up from where they fell asleep last fic.
Takato: Hey... you're IZZY!
Renamon shakes her head and gets up from where she fell when GARGOMON KICKED HER STUPID FOX ASS.
Renamon: We don't have time for that now, Takato...
Rika staggers back into the room, after being flicked down the hall by Antylamon last time.
Rika: Okay, which one of you jerk-offs did this?
Izzy: No-one is really respons-
Rika kicks Izzy in the shin.
Joe grabs the doorframe and drags himself in. He's followed by the rest of the crew, who have all formed a big chain, holding on to each other.
Joe: Far be it from me to point it out, but what's that?
Joe points out into space, at a metallic object that is moving towards them.
Terriermon: A better question might be - what's THAT?!
Terriermon points a stubby finger at the middle of the room, where the air is glowing. As everyone watches, figures form out of the light. The light fades away, and in it's place, stands:
- A man in a yellow shirt, which barely manages to hide the girdle pulled tight underneath it, wearing a bad, BAD toupee.
- Two men in blue shirts - one with yellowish skin, and pointed ears, the other with wrinkles you could park a bike in.
- A bunch of guys in red shirts.
Yellow Shirt: I... am Captain James T. KIRK... of the Starship... ENTERPRISE. Who... are you strange beings, with... EYES so BIG?
Kirk strikes a pose, and a few bars of the Star Trek theme play from out of nowhere.
Izzy blinks, and promptly falls on the floor in front of Kirk.
Izzy: I'M NOT WORTHY! I'M NOT WORTHY!
Takato: Sheesh, talk about your fanboys... did you ever see anything so pathetic?
Blue Shirt #1: Highly illogical.
Blue Shirt #2: Damn your infernal logic!
Kirk: Bones... SPOCK... we must... present ourselves in a... WHOLESOME manner... so... please TRY... and hold it together.
Kirk kneels down in front of Izzy, who is still lying on the floor.
Kirk: What... is your NAME, bizarre CHILD?
Izzy: *thinks* He's TALKING TO ME...!
Kirk: Bones! Give me a reading!
McCoy: He's dead, Jim!
Joe: He's not dead, he just passed out.
Joe slaps Izzy about the face. Izzy wakes up.
Izzy: Woah, I was having the Star Trek dream again...
Izzy sees Kirk and faints again.
Tai: *sigh* Great... we're not going to be able to get out of here in a hurry without Izzy...
Jeff Nimoy peeps out from behind a crate.
Nimoy: ...Lenny? Is that you?
Spock: You are a highly illogical little man.
Machinedramon: I. Think. I. Like. You.
McCoy: Good Lord, Jim! It's a monster!
Kirk: Set phasers on stun!
Everyone zaps Machinedramon.
Machinedramon groans and falls to bits.
A Machinedramon part lands on one of the Red Shirts, crushing him.
Piedmon mutters and picks up Machinedramon's parts, putting them back together. McCoy sees him, and then takes a good look around, actually noticing all the Digimon.
McCoy: *whispers* Jim, I think we've stumbled across some godforsaken alien culture that enslaves humans!
Matt: Listen, buster, we don't belong around here. We just need to get back where we came from. We don't want any trouble.
Kirk: What do you... suggest we DO... Spock?
Spock: The logical recourse would be to have them appoint ambassadors for their group, who would then return to the Enterprise with us where we might analyse the situation more appropriately.
McCoy: Dammit, Spock, you're no better than a blasted machine!
Machinedramon's Head: And. What's. So. Wrong. With. That?
Tai: Fine, fine... Davis, you and I will go.
Charlene: Take - me - too!
Sora: Just try not to start intergalactic war, okay?
Tai: Aw, c'mon, what are the chances of that happening again?
Kirk: *takes out his communicator* Five and a computer to beam up, Mr. Scott.
Scotty: *over comm* Aye captain!
Kirk: *to the Red Shirts* You men stay here and keep an eye out.
One of the Red Shirts falls through the floor and floats off into space.
Yolei: This is gonna be fun...
Kirk, Spock, Bones, Tai, Davis and Charlene all begin to glow, and fade out.
Daemon: So, who's up for a big game of Naked Twister?
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On the Enterprise, in the transporter room, Kirk and co. beam up. Scotty takes one look at Davis and Tai.
Scotty: Ach! The wee bairns's eyes are braw and bricht, like a moonlicht nicht!
Davis: You're no oil painting either, tubby.
Scotty: It's a glandular disorder, ye skuttering wee shite.
Charlene: Activating - Scottish - English - translator... Translation: "I'm a fat-assed bastard, you charming little scamp."
Scotty: Ach! Crivens, jings, and help ma boab...
Kirk: To the bridge!
A few minutes later, Tai and Davis walk through the doors into the bridge. Everyone turns and looks at them.
Chekov: Kiptan! Vat are dese strange creatures you have brought aboard?
Kirk: Merely... TRAVELLERS... from a land far away...
Chekov: Wery far avay?
Davis: Wery, wery far.
Charlene: Sorry... I - don't - have - a - Moron - English - translator...
Tai: We're looking for... uhm... what did Izzy say, Davis?
Davis: Wery, wery, WERY far avay.
Chekov: Well, wuck me.
Tai: *sigh* Something to control dimension energies would be nice, I guess...
Kirk: Kirk to engineering.
Scotty appears on the view screen, sucking on a bottle of brandy.
McCoy: Dear GOD, Scotty, not again!
Scotty: Thim wee bairns were right... *hic* ...Ah'm a big fat bastard...
Spock: Such a reaction is highly illogical.
McCoy: DAMN your infernal logic!
Kirk: Despite being... soused... is there... ANY WAY... you could... manufacture... a device to... CONTROL dimensional energies?
Scotty: Oh, Danny Boy... the pipes, the pipes are calling... *belch*
Kirk: Shall I... take that as... a NO?
McCoy: He's DEAD, Jim!
Charlene: Look - I - think - I - could - cobble - something - together - if - you - let - me - at - your - engineering - room...
Kirk: Spock! BONES! Escort them to... the engineering room!
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Tai, Davis, Charlene, Spock and Bones enter the engineering room.
Charlene: Sorry - about - that - guy - in - the - red - shirt - but - he - looked - at - me - funny...
Spock: We have a million of them. As such, it is logical that they are expendable.
McCoy: A human life was lost! Don't you FEEL anything, you blasted fool?! What about all the other lives on his ship? What of them?
Spock: F*ck 'em.
Charlene: Okay... I - think - I - see - everything - we - need... you - guys - will - have - to - be - my - hands...
Davis and Tai duel with metal pipes.
Davis: On guardie!
Charlene: Oh - boy...
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LadyDevimon: No, no, left foot GREEN!
The Red Shirt strains to reach the green spot. Something goes "snap."
Kari: Dammit, that was the last one...
Kari stands up and throws the Red Shirt onto the pile of other Red Shirts and puts her clothes back on.
Daemon: Well, that was fun while it lasted...
Terriermon and Lopmon sit on the floor, and stare up at Willis and Henry, still fused together, surrounded by interdimensional energy, unmoving.
Lopmon: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with 'W'.
Terriermon: ...shut up.
Lopmon: You're only being pissy because you can't get it...
In another corner of the room, Takato and Rika play the Digi-Battle Card Game.
Takato: Hah! Gomamon beats Piedmon! I win!
Piedmon quietly juggles Gomamon and a couple of Marching Fish in the background.
Arukenimon: He's so multi-talented...
Mummymon: I could do that... I just don't want to...
Censor Bob hands Joe Kido a glass of water. Joe pours it over Izzy's face.
Izzy: *splutters and wakes up*
Joe: Okay, now, don't faint...
Izzy: Oh, please. I don't faint. It was obviously simply a passing magnetic energy wave that momentarily shut my synapses down.
Joe: We're in the Star Trek universe.
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Charlene: Okay - now - connect - that - wire - to - that - point... no - not - THAT - point! The - OTHER - point!
Charlene: Okay - now - put - that - bit - there...
Charlene: NO - NOT - THERE!! *THERE!!*
Kirk (over comm): How goes the... CONSTRUCTION?
Charlene: It - would - help - if - these - guys - had - a - full - brain - between - them!
Davis: Hey, I resent that!
Tai: So do I!
Davis: Me too!
Suddenly, an explosion rocks the Enterprise.
On the bridge:
Mr. Sulu: Captain, we are under fire!
The image of a Klingon warship appears on the view screen, firing on the Enterprise.
Chekov: Shields at 75%, Kiptan!
Kirk: Lieutenant Uhura, open hailing frequency!
Uhura: Opening hailing frequency, Captain. *beat* No response, sir.
Kirk: Fire photon torpedoes!
Chekov: Firing photon torpedoes!
Kirk: Yes... I believe that... that is ALL the... CATCHPHRASES... for today...
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Back on the recording studio, the sounds of the explosions have alerted everyone.
Izzy: *wakes up at the sound of poor science* Sound doesn't exist in space! It's really quite simple to understand... you see...
Joe: Star Trek.
Izzy faints. Daemon gives Joe a noogie.
Daemon: Word up, my man.
Censor Steve: Filthy Klingon scum!
Steve shakes his fist in the general direction of the Klingon ship.
Hawkmon: Perchance would it not be a good idea to aid in some way...?
Cody: Tough as you are, you can't survive out in space...
Veemon: I know one of ush who can! Veemon, Digivolve to... ExVeemon!
Wormmon: Wormmon, Digivolve to... Stingmon!
Both: DNA Digivolve to... Paildramon.... Mega-Digivolve to... Imperialdramon!!
Imperialdramon roars and spreads his wings, swooping out into space, flying towards the Enterprise and the Klingon ship.
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Back on the Enterprise...
Charlene: Well - this - bites - monkeys...
A couple of Red Shirts collapse stone dead.
Kirk (on comm): Bones, Spock... can't you... HELP them... finish their DEVICE? We... could USE it... on the... KLINGONNNNS!!
McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not an engineer!
Spock: Oh, all right, already, just get off my BACK, would you?
McCoy: You blasted fool! How can you - aack...
Spock performs the Vulcan Death Grip on Bones, who collapses.
McCoy: I'm DEAD, Jim!
Izzy (v/o): No you're not, there's no such THING as Vulcan Death Grip...
Joe (v/o): Klingon.
Spock quickly finishes attaching the last few wires onto the mess of a circuit board that Tai and Davis were working on.
Spock: Is this... peanut butter? You got peanut butter in my circuit board?
Davis: Hey, no way, man, you got your circuit board in my peanut butter.
Charlene shocks Davis.
Charlene: Hook - it - up - to - me! Hurry! I - NEED - IT! GIVE - IT - TO - ME!!
Everyone screeches to a halt and looks at Charlene.
Spock: Nothing. Nothing at all.
Spock snaps the casing over the circuits, and plugs the finished device into Charlene's port.
Charlene: Let's - ROCK.
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Out in space, Imperialdramon strafes the Klingon warship.
Imperialdramon: We gonna get any explanation on why these guys showed up, at all...? *ExVeemon* We don't need no stinking explanation! *Stingmon* Still, it'd be nice... *ExVeemon* I said we don't NEED it! *Stingmon* Oh yeah? *ExVeemon* Yeah! *Stingmon* Oh YEAH? *ExVeemon* YEAH!
In the transporter room...
Tai, Davis and Charlene are on the transporter pad.
Kirk: Beam them down, Mr. Scott.
Scotty makes several attempts to press the button, but misses every time. He then throws up over the console and passes out.
Tai: You'll have to do it!
Kirk: But... it's all... vomity.... and STUFF... WAIT! I... KNOW!
Kirk removes his toupee, and hurls it at the console, hitting the button, and activating the transporter. Tai, Davis and Charlene fade out.
They reappear on Imperialdramon's back, shielded by his force field.
Imperialdramon: *ExVeemon* YEAH! *Stingmon* Oh Y... oh, hey guys! *both* What's new?
Charlene: We're - gonna - kick - some - Klingon - ASS!
Charlene's cables pop out of her side, and snap on to Imperialdramon's Positron Laser.
Charlene: Dimensional - disruptor - now - on - line! SHOOT - THE - BASTARDS!
Imperialdramon: POSITRON LASER!
Imperialdramon blasts the Klingon warship. It shudders... flickers... and then completely disappears.
McCoy: They're DE-
Spock smacks McCoy.
Izzy: They're not dead, they've just been shunted out of this reality.
Joe: Are you awake or unconscious? Make up your mind!
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A little later, everyone is back in the recording studio. Imperialdramon is Veemon and Wormmon again, and Kirk, Spock, and Bones are with them all.
Kirk: Captain's... LOG! Stardate... *checks his watch* ...five past three. We have encountered... BIZARRE, FREAKISH creatures... of a... HORRIFYING, alien world...
Tai: Ahem, we're standing right here...
Kirk: Of course you are. Well, goodbye, you... FREAKISH, BIZARRE...
Tai: RIGHT here...
Kirk: Yes, of course. *into communicator* Mr. Scott, three to beam up.
Scotty: Bite mah big hairy Scottish arse, Captain.
Kirk: Yes, of course.
Spock: That would be... highly illogical.
Kirk, Spock and Bones all beam out.
Piedmon: Well, thank God for that...
The Enterprise zips off through space.
Charlene: Okay - people. Now - I - don't - have - this - down - exactly - but - I - think - I - can - get - us - home.
Izzy: Well, let's go for it...
Charlene's cables pop out, and one attaches itself to Willis, while the other snaps on to Henry.
Charlene: Ready - to - go...
Charlene activates the dimensional disruptor, and the interdimensional energy being emitted by Willis and Henry shifts and warps, making the whole studio flicker again.
The camera pans up and out... as the studio once again... disappears!
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In a far away land, high in the sky, known as Care-A-Lot...
Tenderheart Bear: We just want to be your friends!
Klingon #1: Dear God, get it OFF!
Funshine Bear: We LOOOVE you!
Klingon #2: It's... hugging me!!
Good Luck Bear: It's always nice to care!
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If you think that the crew are on their way home so soon, you're so wrong that it HURTS! Tune in next time for:
"TURBO NINJA ZEO RANGERS LOST IN A GALAXY IN TIME!"
...can you guess where they're gonna end up?
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