THE DEAL - In an attempt to find out 'what's hot and what's not' in the Digimon universe, I sent out a number of ballots to the regulars at the Alt.Fan.Digimon newsgroup, which I would then take and tally, and use to write this awards ceremony funfic. When that wound up with me not recieving enough votes, I then sent the ballot on to some of my regular readers from here at FF.N, and they filled it in too. After a lot of tallying and much, MUCH typing, I can now present - THE FIRST ANNUAL DIGI-AWARDS! I *do* hope to make this an annual event. Note that originally, this was designed solely for the AFD newsgroup, so there are some gags in here about the posters there that you might not get. Briefly - Susan likes Ken, Raptor likes Mimi and Yolei, Areku has recently gone off of Digimon, but has a lot of fangirls, and has a bit of an ego (no offense, Areku ^_^), and Dominus Fenix is a troll, but he's not very good at what he does, as everyone thinks he's endearing and fun. Ghostyhead is from Britain, and, like me, is a bit bonkers (you know I luv ya, Ghosty!). And... I think that's about it. And of course, this is one of MY humour fics, so you can expect all the usual running gags, such as my Sora obsession, the question of Myotismon and Piedmon's sexuality, and get ready for the return of Izzy's laptop! There's also new material - wait'll you get a load of Gennai in this one! Without further ado, let's get to it! Oh, yeah, and I don't own Digimon.
- - -
Things start with a shot of a hand cleaning a glass. Really
close up. The
camera slowly pans out to show that
Leomon is the one doing the cleaning, and is standing behind a
bar. He sets
the glass down, and flicks the
towel over his shoulder. The camera pans down the bar, to show,
sitting at
the end, wearing a very
tacky-looking golden sparkly tuxedo... me! Chris!
Chris: So, anyway, after this big, BIG binge I went on, I just...
woke up
the next morning, and I found out
I’d suggested I do this big fan poll thing for Digimon.
*takes a drink from
the glass in front of him* Some
poll. Bah. Well, I decided I’d go ahead with it anyway...
and people voted
more than once in their ballots
anyway, even though I told ‘em not to, but I used the votes
anyway to beef
things up a bit... God, this is
going to be torture...
Somewhere in the distance, a drumroll can be heard. Chris jerks,
and looks
at his watch.
Chris: CRAP! I’m on!
Chris bolts down the last of his drink, and rushes out, leaving
the money on
the counter. He slides out of the
bar into a huge marble hallway, and then darts off to the left.
The scene switches to a giant darkened amphitheatre. In the
hundreds of
seats in the audience, we can make
out:
- The eight DigiDestined from 01, all with their 02 appearances.
- The new DigiDestined from 02, including Ken, the Digimon
Emperor.
- All their Digimon.
- Innumerable other Digimon from the show, and even those not
from the show,
both good and evil.
- Lots of supporting human characters, like the kids families
- The entire crew from Alt.Fan.Digimon
- The humans and Digimon from the Digi-Wars! fanfic series..
but... uh...
they’re all in the back, and sort of
sleepy... so they wont be saying much. ^_~
Every single person and Digimon is in formal wear - the males all
wear black
tuxedos, while the females
wear evening gowns. There is a big stage at the front of the
theatre, and on
a screen that is hanging over it
from the ceiling, an image of a little statuette is projected.
The statuette
is a Black Gear, on a post,
protruding from a pedestal, all coloured gold. This, my friends,
is a
Digi-Award.
The camera cuts to backstage. Chris runs in, panting, as Bakemon
flit to and
fro, lining up the lights and
adjusting the sound system, et cetera. Chris composes himself,
and walks out
on stage, as the Digimon
Theme plays. There’s lots of polite applause from the
audience as he stands
at the little lectern in the middle
of the stage.
Chris: Good evening, ladies and gentlemon! I’d like to thank
you all for
coming here tonight, and hope you
have as much fun as I do during this ceremony! Please, put your
hands
together, because its:
THE FIRST ANNUAL DIGI-AWARDS!
with your charming host, Chris McFeely!
SECTION ONE: THE O1 CARTOON
CATEGORY ONE - MOST POPULAR DIGIDESTINED
Chris: Well, there’s no sense in wasting time, so let’s
get the ball
rolling! Here to present our first award,
will you please get loud and get funky for Taichi Kamiya and Sora
Takenouchi!
Chris steps backstage as Tai and Sora emerge from opposite sides
of the
stage while “You’re The One That
I Want” plays over the sound system. Tai - wearing a black
tux - and Sora -
wearing an ankle-length black
gown and white full-length gloves - meet in the middle of the
stage at the
lectern, and both kiss each other
on each cheek. They then pause and listen to the music.
Backstage, Chris smacks the Bakemon working the sound system over
the head.
There’s a *sqwirk* noise
like a needle jumping, and the music stops.
Chris: Damn... they’ll have my ass for that later...
Back on stage, Tai and Sora get on with presenting the award. To
begin -
mindless banter!
Tai: Hi everybody! It’s really great to be here tonight. I
just flew in from
the DigiWorld - and boy, are my
arms tired!
Complete and utter silence from the audience ensues.
*cricket chirp*
*tumbleweed rolls past*
Tai: Come on, people! This is good material!
Sora massages the bridge of her nose in silence.
Tai: Y’know, Sora, a funny thing happened to me on the way
to the ceremony
tonight...
Susan jumps out of her seat in the audience and throws TK’s
hat at Tai,
nailing him between the eyes.
Tai: OW!
Chris: *pokes head out from backstage* Just get *on* with it!
Tai staggers about, in rather a bit of pain. Sora sighs and steps
up.
Sora: The votes for Most Popular DigiDestined were as follows:
1 - Joe
1 - Mimi
1 - Tai
2 - Sora
2 - TK
3 - Kari
4 - Matt
9 - Izzy
So our soaraway winner is Koushiro “Izzy” Izumi! Come
on up here, Izzy!
As Izzy, very excited, sprints up to the stage, Tai recovers from
the pain
and silently mouths “one vote?”
Sora picks up the Digi-Award - the little golden Black Gear
statuette - from
the lectern and hands it to him.
Sora: Congratulations, Izzy! Would you like to say a few words?
Chris: (v/o, offstage) When does he *not*?
Sora: Shut it, you!
Chris: (v/o) Yes, ma’am.
Izzy happily accepts the award and stands at the lectern.
Izzy: I think I’m as surprised as everyone here that I, of
all people, would
win this award!
Tai: You’re not kidding.... *whispers to Sora* One vote?
Izzy: Well, I’d like to thank my mom and dad... and
Tentomon, obviously,
‘cause without him I probably
wouldn’t be here today. And, of course, a big thank you to
all my fans who
voted for me. Hi out there,
whoever you are.
Izzy waves out into the audience, and AlyaKitty squeals and
faints. Izzy
walks down from the stage, hugging
his award.
Tai: I’m going to have words with Chris after this...
Sora: Yeah, me too... he *couldn’t* have been voting in
this, could he? I’d
have won, otherwise...
Chris darts out from backstage.
Chris: Yes, well, anyway, I’ve just realised that I’ve
filled three pages
already, and we’ve only got through
one award! There’s over another dozen to go in this section
alone, and we
can’t waste time! Off you go
now, off, off, off!
Chris scoots Tai and Sora offstage.
Sora: Watch those hands!
“You’re The One That I Want” plays again as they
leave the stage.
Tai: Turn that OFF!
*Sqwirk*
CATEGORY TWO - MOST POPULAR ROOKIE DIGIMON
Chris: Please, make some noise for Tentomon!
“Ugly Bug Ball” starts playing as Tentomon flies out
from left backstage. He
lands beside the lectern.
Tentomon: *sniff* Ugly?
Chris: Sue me, I couldn’t find better insect-related music.
And, also,
welcome Gabumon!
“Who Let The Dogs Out?” plays as Gabumon comes in from
the right.
Areku smiles.
Chris goes backstage as Gabumon reaches the lectern.
Tentomon: Good evening, ladies and germs! I just flew in from the
DigiWorld - and boy, are my wings tired!
The audience cracks up, and starts rolling around in the aisles
with
laughter. Tai, back in his seat, blinks.
Tai: It’s just a damned popularity contest with you people!
Gabumon: The votes for Most Popular Rookie Digimon were as
follows:
0 - Biyomon
0 - Palmon
1 - Patamon
1 - Salamon
3 - Agumon
4 - Gabumon
4 - Tentomon
8 - Gomamon
So, Gomamon - get up here!
Gomamon: Woo-hoo!
Gomamon hops down out of his seat, and takes five minutes to
crawl up on to
the stage. He arrives at the
lectern, and pokes the sleeping Gabumon.
Gabumon: Hmn...? Wha? Oh, right, the award.
Gabumon hands Gomamon his Digi.
Tentomon: Do you have anything you’d like to say?
Gomamon: Yeah, I do. I’d like to say a big, big thank you to
everyone who
voted for me, and realises that
I’m a damned cool guy, even though my attack really, really
sucks.
Chris: (v/o) Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about catering for the
after-ceremony party... you think Marching
Fishes taste good with tartar sauce?
Gomamon: Marching Fishes don’t taste good with anything.
Just ask Myotismon.
Chris: *walks on stage* Thank you, Gomamon, for that little plug
for my fic,
“How Do You Like Your
Marching Fishes?”!
The audience applauds as the Digimon leave the stage.
CATEGORY THREE - MOST POPULAR CHAMPION DIGIMON
Chris: Get on your feet and give it up for Mimi Tachikawa and
Jyou Kido!
Joe and Mimi walk in from opposite sides of the stage, meet in
the middle
and kiss on each cheek. Joe is
wearing a black tux, while Mimi wears a floor-length pink evening
gown, with
long gloves, and big hoop
earrings.
Mimi: What, no music?
Chris: *on his way backstage* Couldn’t think of anything
that accurately
captures the two of you.
Joe: Well, what about “You’re The One That I
Want”? You’ve got that...
Chris goes backstage and we see the Bakemon who was working the
sound system
with the record in
question jamming his mouth open, after Chris stuck it in there.
Mimi: Well... anyway, let’s do this award! The heat from
these spotlights is
bad for my hair.
Joe: The votes for Most Popular Champion Digimon were:
0 - Birdramon
0 - Togemon
1 - Ikkakumon
2 - Kabuterimon
3 - Greymon
4 - Garurumon
6 - Angemon
6 - Gatomon
So it’s a tie! What are the chances of that? Let’s hear
what the fans had to
say...
“Angemon - Hey, any angel that can kill devils (well, help),
vampires and
clowns is good in my book.” -
Brett Salyer
“Ikkakumon - he reminds me of my old Uncle Dusty.” -
Relevart
“Garurumon all the way! I wish just once for me to be able
to ride
Garurumon...” - AlyaKitty
Patamon: Patamon, digivolve to... Angemon!
Angemon and Gatomon (wearing formal wear, as previously stated)
walk up to
the stage. Joe gives
Angemon his Digi, and Mimi hands Gatomon hers.
Mimi: The first draw of the evening! I wonder if there’ll be
any more...
Chris: (v/o) Don’t expect much, that’s all I’m
sayin’...
Gatomon hops up onto the lectern.
Gatomon: Thank to all my friends out there - even that one person
who voted
for me under the Rookie
section. We just crossed the vote over.
Angemon: That’s not fair! I would have won if you
hadn’t done that!
Chris: *walks out* Hmn, you know, that’s very true. Okay,
then, Gatomon, you
can keep your award, but
technically, Angemon can be called the winner here.
Gatomon hops off the lectern, grumbling. Angemon de-digivolves
back to
Patamon and they leave the stage.
Chris: *calls after them* No need to be a bad loser,
y’know...
Joe: You got that music sorted out for us yet?
Chris: Oh, yeah. Off you go, then. Big hand for Joe and Mimi,
audience!
The audience applauds, as Joe and Mimi walk off. “Beauty and
the Beast”
starts playing.
Joe: HEY!!
*Sqwirk*
CATEGORY FOUR - MOST POPULAR ULTIMATE DIGIMON
Chris: Keepin’ it rolling, keepin’ it rolling!
We’ve got a lot of stuff to
get through here! To present this
award, let’s welcome Takeru “TK” Takaishi, and
Hikari “Kari” Kamiya!
“Puppy Love” plays as TK and Kari come in from opposite
sides of the stage,
in formal wear (as pointed out
previously, they are in their 02 forms). They meet at the lectern
and kiss
each other on each cheek. Chris
goes backstage again.
TK: Remind me to thank whoever picked the music...
Kari: I’d just like to say that Gatomon was totally robbed
in that last
award. She should have won. But I’m
not allowed to talk about that, so let’s move on! TK?
TK: The votes for Most Popular Ultimate Digimon were fairly
spread out.
1 - Garudamon
1 - MegaKabuterimon
1 - Zudomon
2 - MetalGreymon
3 - Angewomon
3 - MagnaAngemon
6 - Lillymon
6 - WereGarurumon
Another tie! And this one’s definite! How did the fans voice
their opinions?
Let’s see...
“Lillymon! I love Lillymon! She is sooo pretty!” -
AlyaKitty
“WereGarurumon - is it me, or does he take you back to the
good old days of
Mr. T?” - Relevart
Palmon: Palmon, digivolve to... Togemon, Togemon digivolve to...
Lillymon!
Gabumon: Gabumon, digivolve to... Garurumon, Garurumon digivolve
to...
WereGarurumon!
The entire audience puts on sunglasses to protect themselves from
the big
flashy lights and sparkly CGI
effects as WereGarurumon digivolves. Both Digimon walk up on to
the stage.
Kari gives WereGarurumon
his Digi, and TK gives Lillymon hers.
Lillymon: You people are so shallow! My Rookie and Champion forms
didn’t get
ONE vote, but when I
grow breasts and wear a mini-skirt, you vote for me in a second!
The audience is in a stunned silence.
Lillymon: *big grin, giggles insanely* Thanks ever sooooo much
for my award!
I’m pretty! Yay!
Lillymon flies up over the audience, and the male members crane
their necks
back to look up. The female
audience members deliver *thwap*s to the back of their head with
whatever
accoutrements they may be
holding.
WereGarurumon: I’d flash you all to, if you wanted me to.
The audience erupts into chaos, and everyone starts running
for the doors.
Chris: *runs out* He’s joking, folks! Joking!
WereGarurumon: No, I...
Chris shoves WereGarurumon off the stage and he de-digivolves
back into
Gabumon. Lillymon settles down
and de-digivolves back to Palmon. They, and the rest of the
audience, take
their seats.
Chris: I bet we see more of *that* before the night’s out...
oh well. TK and
Kari, everybody!
The audience applauds, as TK and Kari leave the stage, with
“Puppy Love”
playing.
CATEGORY FIVE - MOST POPULAR MEGA DIGIMON
Chris: To present this next, short award, all on his lonesome, I
know you
want to give it up for Yamato
“Matt” Ishida!
Matt, his hands in the pockets of his tux, as usual, comes in
from the left,
with the Blues playing. He takes
his hands out and shakes Chris’s hand. Chris goes backstage.
Matt: Nice to be here - and before all you fangirls start busting
Chris’s
chops over having me do an award
on my own - I’m not going to be the last person doing so
tonight, okay? Now,
with that said, before I
present this award, I’d like to do a song for all of you.
Matt pulls out his harmonica. Chris runs in and snatches it. Matt
then pulls
out his guitar. Chris runs back in
and snatches it too. Matt opens his mouth to just sing, and Chris
runs out
and disconnects the microphone
cord.
Chris: Just do the award, rock boy!
Matt: But I...
Chris: Cram it! This award is short, and I don’t need to you
making it
longer and taking up valuable page
space! Now read the votes!
Matt: *grumble* Fine, fine... the votes for Most Popular Mega
Digimon were:
6 - MetalGarurumon
14 - WarGreymon
Chris: ...and someone voted for Seraphymon, but technically,
seeing as he
didn’t appear until the 02 portion
of the movie, he’s not an 01 Mega, in the strictest sense of
the word.
Matt: So, Agumon, warp your way up here!
Agumon: Ye-es! Agumon, warp-digivolve to... WarGreymon!
Dominus Fenix, Black Hole the Walrus and Fernando Collazo run
around
screaming as WarGreymon
“accidentally” winds up setting their tuxedoes on fire
with all his flaming
digivolution effects. He goes up to
the stage, and bends down to accept his Digi-Award from Matt.
WarGreymon: I’d like everyone to know how happy I am that
you all voted for
me, despite the fact that my
voice makes me sound like a constipated boxer. And despite the
fact that the
dubbers continuously screwed
up the names of my attacks.
Chris: You wouldn’t think it’d be too hard - Terra
Force, Nova Force and
Mega Claw. But could they keep
it straight? Nooo....
WarGreymon: Well, anyway - thanks everyone!
WarGreymon de-digivolves all the way down to Koromon and hops off
the stage,
back to his seat.
Matt: Can I have my harmonica back now?
Chris: No.
Chris walks offstage. Matt follows. There is a crash, and Chris
walks back
out.
Chris: Matt, folks! Wasn’t he great?
CATEGORY SIX - MOST POPULAR EVIL DIGIMON
Chris: Let’s have a big welcome for everybody’s
favourite bowling ball with
feathers - it’s DemiDevimon!
“Like A Bat Out Of Hell” plays as DemiDevimon flutters
down from the ceiling
and lands on the lectern.
Chris goes backstage.
DemiDevimon: Hi, everybody! Howaya? Nice ta see ya. I’m
kinda bugged by the
fact that Chris didn’t pair
me off with some fine-lookin’ chick to present this award,
but...
Chris pokes his head out from backstage.
Chris: I *didn’t* because I know what you get like around
women!
DemiDevimon: Whaddaya mean? I act the same way you act around
Sora!
Chris: Exactly!
Chris ducks back stage again, and DemiDevimon shrugs - as best he
can,
seeing he has no arms - and reads
the votes.
DemiDevimon: Let’s see here...
1 - Datamon
1 - Etemon
1 - LadyDevimon
1 - Ogremon
1 - Puppetmon
2 - Piedmon
3 - DemiDevimon
4 - Devimon
8 - Myotismon
Hey! I got votes! Woo-hoo! Well, let’s see what the fans
said!
“Devimon - he had potential, and didn’t look like a
drag queen in his
off-time, not to mention names...
*cough*Myotismon*cough*” - Relevart
“Datamon - heck, he was the source of a whole buncha Taiora
hints.” -
Taiorafan@yahoo.com
“Myotismon!!!” - LionHeartY2J316@aol.com
“DemiDevimooooonnnn!” - Ghostyhead
Myotismon, looking extremely cool in a tuxedo, I might add,
floats up to the
stage.
Myotismon: Excellent work, DemiDevimon.
DemiDevimon: But, master.. I didn’t do anything...
Myotismon: You didn’t rig the ballots?
DemiDevimon: Uh-uh.
Myotismon: Then... you mean... *turns to the audience, pupils of
eyes
dilating wildly* ...you... like me? You
really, really like me?
Myotismon starts blubbering, and DemiDevimon hands him his award.
Myotismon: I’d like to thank Mom and Dad, and especially
Etemon, who had the
story arc right before me,
and was so crap that he made me look even better! Thank you!
Thank you all!
Myotismon spreads his arms, allowing his cape to flap open. His
bats start
flying out.
Myotismon: Aw, crap!
Myotismon starts flying around the room, trying to catch them
all, as Chris
comes back on stage.
Chris: Nice job there, Demi.
DemiDevimon: Hey, it’s my job, it’s what I do.
Chris: We know you love him, folks! DemiDevimon!
The audience claps, as DemiDevimon goes to help Myotismon, with
“A Bat Out
Of Hell” playing.
CATEGORY SEVEN - MOST POPULAR SUPPORTING CHARACTER
Chris: For this award, let’s welcome Agumon and Biyomon!
Koromon: Koromon, digivolve to... Agumon!
“Great Balls Of Fire” plays as Agumon enters, stage
left, which is then
supplemented by “Chirpy Chirpy
Cheep Cheep” as Biyomon comes in, stage right. Chris goes
backstage as they
meet at the lectern, and kiss
each other on each cheek.
Agumon: Hi, everybody!
The microphone shrieks in reaction to Agumon’s high-pitched
voice, and the
audience all put their fingers in
their ears.
Biyomon: We want to point out that the fact that Chris has us
doing this
award together is in no way any
indication that he believes there could be anything romantic
between us.
Agumon: *lowering voice a bit* Yeah. There are fanfic writers out
there who
seem to think we Digimon
have enough personality to even get involved in a relationship.
Biyomon: Shows what they know! And now, the votes for Most
Popular
Supporting Character!
1 - Jim Kido (Joe’s brother)
1 - Leomon
1 - Matt and TK’s mom
1 - Meko (the Kamiya’s cat)
2 - Elecmon
2 - Matt and TK’s dad
2 - Wizardmon
3 - Frigimon
5 - Gennai
Agumon: We regret that Gennai couldn’t be here tonight, but
we have a direct
satellite link up to him now!
An energy beam appears in the middle of the stage, and
Gennai’s image
appears in it. He’s in a tux, and is
already holding his Digi.
Gennai: Hi everyone. I’m sorry I can’t be here in
person, but I’m just too
goddamned lazy to haul my butt
out of this little house I have underwater. I wish you kids would
come and
visit me more, you know. It gets
really lonely down here.
There are a few nervous coughs from the audience.
Gennai: Oh, so you’re not even going to pay attention to me,
are you? Damned
whippersnappers, in my day,
we had respect for our elders! In my day -
The energy beam suddenly disappears, and Chris walks back on
stage, spinning
a power cable in his hand.
Chris: Oops, seems we got cut off there. What a pity. But
let’s hear it for
Agumon and Biyomon!
Applause, as the two Digimon leave the stage.
CATEGORY EIGHT - MOST POPULAR EPISODE
Chris: For this award, let’s welcome the kid who know what
he’s talking
about - and the guy you like the
most - Koushiro “Izzy” Izumi!
Izzy walks out on stage, as “The AOL Song” by Weird Al
Yankovic plays. Chris
goes backstage.
Izzy: Hi everybody. I wont waste your time with words here...
Chris: (v/o) HA!
Izzy: *growl* ...as this is a pretty big category. You’re
all very fickle
people! Loads of episodes got voted
for! The tally is as follows:
1 - “Almost Home Free”
1 - “The Battle For Earth”
1 - “City Under Siege”
1 - “A Clue From the Digi-Past”
1 - “The Crest of Friendship”
1 - “Departure For A New Continent”
1 - “The Eighth Child Revealed”
1 - “Flower Power”
1 - “Gatomon Comes Calling”
1 - “Home Away From Home”
1 - “No Questions, Please!”
1 - “Ogremon’s Honour”
1 - “Out On The Town”
1 - “Prisoner of the Pyramid”
1 - “Return to Highton View Terrace”
1 - “The Ultimate Clash”
2 - “Apocalymon Now!”
2 - “The Earthquake of MetalGreymon”
2 - “Enter the Dark Masters”
2 - “The Fate of Two Worlds”
2 - “Sora’s Crest of Love”
3 - “Piedmon’s Last Jest”
3 - “Wizardmon’s Gift”
So even after all that, it’s still a tie! What do you
suppose the fans said
about all this, then?
“’The Ultimate Clash’, I guess, since it’s
basically all plot and Taito.” -
Ghostyhead
“DAH! Okay, um, lemme think... I’d have to say
‘Ogremon’s Honour’.” -
Timestones
“The one where Pumpkinmon and Gotsumon come to Earth and are
supposed to
capture the Eighth
DigiDestined but end up becoming friends with Matt and TK (and
no, it’s not
my fave just because Matt was
in it). It was very touching and it really elevated Myotismon
into being a
cold-hearted villain, though he still
ain’t sh*t to Devimon.” - Relevart
Wizardmon and Piedmon come up on stage, and Izzy hands them their
Digis.
Izzy: Congratulations, guys! Must be good to know that you got to
be the
figureheads for two of the best
episodes!
Wizardmon: My episode was much better than his! A lot more hero
ass-whoop
went on! And it showcased a
new Digimon!
Piedmon: Pfaugh! My episode had TWO new Digimon! MagnaAngemon AND
the
Vilemon! And it’s always
better when the villain whoops ass - which I did in spades!
Wizardmon: Spades... is that supposed to be some kind of card
joke? Some
kind of joke about the spades in
cards? You think that’s funny?
Piedmon: I’ll show you what’s FUNNY! CLOWN TRICK!
Wizardmon: MAGICAL GAME!
The two energy blasts meet halfway, and there’s an
explosion. When everyone
looks up, they can see
Piedmon and Wizardmon have both blown their Digi-Awards to bits.
Piedmon: Oh, GREAT, now look what you did!
Wizardmon: Me? You started it!
Piedmon grabs one of Wizardmon’s ears, and Wizardmon starts
pulling his
hair. Chris quickly steps out and
forces them offstage.
Chris: Geez, these ties are gonna me murder... you handled
yourself well,
there, Izzy.
Izzy peeps out from behind the lectern.
Izzy: Can I go home now?
Chris: Not yet. There’s loads more to go through.
Izzy: Darn.
Izzy takes his seat, as “The AOL Song” plays some more.
CATEGORY NINE - WORST EPISODE
Chris: If you thought the last category was bad, you ain’t
seen nothin’ yet!
So, let’s make some noise for the
brave souls who have to wade through this crap... Gatomon and
Patamon!
The theme tune from “Top Cat” plays as Gatomon enters
stage left. It
switches to “When I See An Elephant
Fly” from ‘Dumbo’ when Patamon enters stage right.
They do the cheek-kiss
quickly and turn to look at
Chris.
Chris: ...what?
Gatomon: What in the HELL is up with that music?
Chris: Well... y’know... you’re a cat... *cough*
Patamon: And mine?
Chris: Uhm... well... uh... Dumbo used his ears to fly... and so
do you...
Patamon: BOOM BUBBLE!
Chris: Ack!
Chris gets blown backstage.
Gatomon: Let’s get this over with...
Patamon: The votes for Worst Episode were:
1 - “The Crest of Sincerity”
1 - “The Dancing Digimon”
1 - “Home Away From Home”
1 - “Legend of the DigiDestined”
1 - “Princess Karaoke”
1 - “Prophecy”
1 - “Sub-Zero Ice Punch!”
2 - “And So It Begins...”
2 - “Digi-Baby Boom!”
2 - “Togemon In Toy Town”
8 - The Etemon story arc
Gatomon: Yup, it’s true. We got so many votes for the entire
Etemon story
arc that it just had to have a
category to itself. Any singular episode from this arc that were
voted for
were simply tallied under that
category.
Patamon: So get up here, Etemon - you SUCK!
Etemon comes up on stage, as “Hound Dog” plays. He
takes his Digi-Award.
Etemon: Thangya. Thangyaverramuch.
Chris walks out.
Chris: We’ve got no time for pleasantries, kids! Etemon,
you’re presenting
the next award, so you can just
stay up here. Gatomon, Patamon, thanks, and bye!
Gatomon and Patamon go offstage to applause.
CATEGORY TEN - BEST QUOTE
Etemon: Well, let’s get this-a here show on the road,
uh-huh-huh!
Chris: Stop that.
Chris goes backstage.
Etemon: You crazy kids voted for your favourite quotes like this:
1 - “Ah’m Invincible!” - MetalEtemon, just before
being cracked in the chest
by Zudomon’s hammer and
being destroyed, ‘Ogremon’s Honour.’
1 - “So much for you invincible Chrome DigiZoid armour!
Looks to me like it
got a little rusty!” -
WarGreymon, to MetalSeadramon, ‘Playing Games.’
1 - “You missed what I did as WarGreymon! I sliced you like
an onion!” -
Koromon, to Machinedramon,
‘The Crest of Light.’
1 - “No, not her!” - Myotismon, when Kari gets her
Crest, ‘Wizardmon’s Gift.
’
1 - “No, Tai... I wont.” - Matt, to Tai, ‘Trash
Day.’
1 - “I am not a pig, TK!” - Patamon, ‘Digi-Baby
Boom!’
1 - “My parents are still mad at me for painting our
cat!” - TK
1 - “I felt something, Sora... it was your love, shining
through!” - Tai,
‘Sora’s Crest of Love.’
1 - “It’s all my fault... Sora, it’s all MY
FAULT!” - Tai, ‘Prisoner of the
Pyramid.”
1 - “I want some of Sora’s love too,” - Tai, in
the Japanese version of
‘Sora’s Crest of Love.’ (I let this one
slide as it was the only quote someone took from a Japanese
episode, and
because Taiora rocks, and I’m
writing this anyway, and you can’t stop me, so nyah! ^_^)
1 - “Lucky for me, I landed on the one part of my body that
has a built in
airbag!” - Joe, ‘The Crest of
Friendship.’
1 - “Ah! You can use my phone card! The aliens can bill
me!” - Izzy, ‘The
Birth of Greymon.’
2 - “If you believe in yourself, then dreams are real! And
to make my dreams
come true, I only have to do
one thing - defeat you!” - Gatomon, ‘The Eighth Child
Revealed.’
2 - “I don’t have to explain myself to the likes of
you! It is my destiny to
plunge this world into darkness,
and become king of the digital world - and no angel or Digimon
will have the
power to stop me!”
Phew! That’s a whole lotta talkin’ goin’ on!
Chris walks out.
Chris: Yep, not every ballot had their favourite quotes down. I
guess some
people just don’t register stuff
like that. If I do this again next year, I’m takin’ the
quote categories out
and replacing them with animation
questions. But, aaaanyway...
Etemon: Gatomon, come on back! And Myotismon, y’all too! You
can talk the
talk!
Gatomon and Myotismon come up on to the stage and accept their
awards.
Myotismon: I think this is proof that I’m damnably cool - it
was because of
a speech *I* made that Gatomon
*said* that line of hers!
Gatomon: You couldn’t speechify your way out of a paper bag.
Myotismon: Speechify?
Chris: For the love of God, don’t start fighting...
Etemon: Hey now, can’t we all just get along? Lemme sing
y’all a little song
about it...
Chris, Gatomon, Myotismon, and the whole audience:
AAAAAAAAUUUUGH!
Chris: SECURITY!
A hoard of Bakemon swoop out from backstage and take Etemon away.
Chris: Phew. Well, that’s that over and done with... do me a
favour and take
you seats, guys.
Myotismon: Gladly.
Myotismon takes his seat... and throws it at Gatomon. She scowls.
Chris: Oy...
CATEGORY ELEVEN - WORST QUOTE
Chris: For this category, let’s have a big hand for the
worst of the worst -
Devimon and LadyDevimon!
“Carmina Burana” (the theme from ‘The Omen’)
plays as Devimon and
LadyDevimon fly in, dressed in
formal wear. They kiss each other on each cheek. Chris goes
backstage as
they address the audience.
Devimon: When this is over, we’re going to consume your
souls, you know.
LadyDevimon: For they are crunchy, and taste good with ketchup.
Tech Weaver Mask blinks.
Devimon: But first, let’s do this! The votes for worst quote
were:
1 - “I’ll come back again, TK... if you want me
to.” - Angemon, ‘Legend of
the DigiDestined.’
1 - “I feel a surge of energy - quick, somebody get me a
scratching post!” -
Gatomon, ‘The Crest of Light.’
1 - “I can feel your love Sora, it’s making me
stronger!” - (or whatever it
was, I can’t quote remember)
Garudamon, ‘Sora’s Crest of Love.’
1 - “I have hot and cold running water!” - Apocalymon,
‘Apocalymon Now!’
1 - “Too bad your brain isn’t as big as your
hair!” - Sora, to Tai.
1 - “Whatever your decision, we believe in you,” -
(again, I can’t quite
remember what it was exactly) Mimi,
to Tai, ‘It’s All In the Cards.’
1 - “...Please Always Recycle.” - Gennai, reading from
the prophecy of
Myotismon, ‘Prophecy.’
2 - Anything said by Etemon.
Gah, you mortal fools! There were hardly any votes for this
section!
LadyDevimon: Well, if they can’t even pick their favourite,
I guess you
couldn’t expect them to chose their
worst. And again, “Anything Etemon said” had to get
it’s own category, or
there wouldn’t have been a
winner.
Chris walks out.
Chris: That’s it, these quote sections are being axed when I
next do this.
Hey, guys, bring the monkey back
out!
The Bakemon fly back out, holding Etemon, with his mouth covered.
He takes
his award, and they take him
away again.
Chris: Now, would you guys mind leaving our souls along until
after the
ceremony?
Devimon: Ah, I guess so.
Chris: Thanks.
Devimon: S’okay.
Chris: S’awright.
Devimon and LadyDevimon leave the stage, with “Carmina
Burana” playing.
CATEGORY TWELVE - FUNNIEST QUOTE
Chris: To do this award, who could we have but the one generally
regarded as
“the funny one” - Gomamon!
Gomamon crawls in, stage left, as silly circus seal music plays.
Chris: And to help him, Palmon!
Palmon comes in, stage right, with “Heard It Through The
Grapevine” playing.
Palmon: Damn, that has to be the weakest music link yet...
Chris: Just wait and see what’s coming... *sigh*
Chris goes backstage, and Gomamon and Palmon kiss on the cheek.
Gomamon: This category got a decent response. The votes were:
1 - “Ice cream... yes...” - Gabumon, ‘Out On The
Town.”
1 - Gatomon’s Fish Song, ‘Under Pressure.’
1 - “Of course, it’s because I’m a teenager.”
- Joe.
1 - “You missed what I did as WarGreymon! I sliced you like
an onion!” -
Koromon, ‘The Crest of Light’
1 - “Chew on this!” - Piedmon - “I’m not
hungry!” - MagnaAngemon, ‘Piedmon’s
Last Jest.’
1 - Izzy’s cover up joke-telling sequence from ‘The
Eighth DigiVice.’
1 - “My parents are still mad at me for painting our
cat!” - TK
1 - “You mean that’s your hair? I looks like a bird
made a nest on your
head!” - Tai, to Matt.
1 - “No, Tai - I wont.” - Matt, ‘Trash Day.’
(the voter thought his voice
was funny ^_^)
1 - “Lucky for me, I landed on the one part of my body that
has a built in
airbag.” - Joe, ‘The Crest of
Friendship.’
1 - “I want some of Sora’s love, too!” - Tai,
Japanese version of ‘Sora’s
Crest of Love.’
1 - “No, not her!” - Myotismon, ‘Wizardmon’s
Gift.”
3 - “I am not a pig, TK!” - Patamon, ‘Digi-Baby
Boom!’
Well, whaddaya know! Not ONE thing I said got voted for!
Palmon: But you’re not bitter.
Gomamon: Sure, I’m not... *grumble*...Patamon, get your
flying hamster ass
up here.
Patamon flies up and accepts his award.
Patamon: Thanks very much. I’m glad people thought I was
funny, even though
the way I say “TK” is really
annoying and my voice makes people want to bang their heads on
walls.
Gomamon: Yeah, yeah, now get lost.
Patamon sits back down, as Chris walks out.
Chris: C’mon now, Gomamon, you DID win “Most Popular
Rookie”...
Gomamon: Yeah, I guess...
Chris: And you get to present “Funniest AFDer” with me
later!
Gomamon: ...oh, rapture.
Chris: Less of the sarcasm, seal-face.
Gomamon: Don’t make me hurt you.
Chris: With what, those fish?
Gomamon: *grumble*
Chris: Yeah, I thought not. On you go, now. Gomamon and Palmon,
ladies and
gents!
The audience applauds, as the two Digimon leave the stage.
CATEGORY THIRTEEN - FAVOURITE MOMENT
Chris: For this next award, we’re going to...
Etemon runs past.
Chris: Uh... we’re going to have...
A horde of Bakemon float past after him.
Chris: Uh... going to have someone who always keeps his eyes on
the
important stuff - here’s Gennai!
Nothing happens.
Chris: Ahem... HERE’S GENNAI!
Nothing.
Chris: GENNAI, DAMMIT!
Chris spots the power cable lying on the floor.
Chris: Oh, yeah, right... whoops.
Chris mutters and plugs the cable back in. The energy beam and
Gennai’s
image appear again. Gennai is still
in mid-rant.
Gennai: ...kids’d know how to shoe a horse before they were
out of diapers!
And we didn’t have all your
fancy-shmancy DigiVices and Crests back then, oh, no, siree, we
did not! Had
to get by with lumps of poop
and newspapers, we did!
Chris: Ahem... Gennai? You’re hosting...
Gennai: What’s that, boy? Speak up! Toasting? I’m
not toasting anything!
Hmn... y’know, a piece of toast
would be nice about now...
Gennai’s image disappears from the beam.
Chris: HEY! Get BACK here!
Gennai appears again.
Gennai: Wasn’t I supposed to do something?
Chris: Just read the little card you’re holding...
Gennai: *squints* Lemme see here... the votes for Favourite
Moment were:
1 - Myotismon unleashes the Beast Within (“The Battle For
Earth”)
1 - Whamon dies (“Playing Games”)
1 - Angemon confronts Devimon (“The Legend of the
DigiDestined”)
1 - Myotismon exclaims “No, not her!” when Kari gets
her Crest back
(“Wizardmon’s Gift”)
1 - Gatomon remembers her true self (“The Eighth Child
Revealed”)
1 - Myotismon is impaled by Angewomon’s Celestial Arrow and
dies (“Wizardmon
’s Gift”)
1 - Mimi sings (“Princess Karaoke”)
1 - Tai says “I want some of Sora’s love too!”
(Japanese version of “Sora’s
Crest of Love” - you can tell this
voter had a one track mind!)
1 - The flashback to when the kids were younger (“The
Ultimate Clash”)
1 - Tai breaks down when Sora is captured by Datamon
(“Prisoner of the
Pyramid”)
1 - When Angemon and Angewomon confront Myotismon, and he
delivers his “King
of the Digital World”
speech (“Wizardmon’s Gift”)
2 - Any instance where Sora and Tai cling tightly to one another
(such as in
“The Earthquake of
MetalGreymon” and “Return to Highton View
Terrace”)
2 - The kids deliver their speeches about themselves and then
destroy
Apocalymon (“Apocalymon Now!”
and “The Fate of Two Worlds”)
2 - The kids say goodbye to their Digimon (“The Fate of Two
Worlds”)
3 - The birth of WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon, and their battle
with
VenomMyotismon (“Prophecy”
and “The Battle For Earth”)
...
Chris: Gennai?
Gennai: What?
Chris: The awards?
Gennai: What about them?
Chris sighs and pulls out the power cable.
Gennai: *fading out* Darned whippersnapppperrrrrr....!
*disappears*
Chris: WarGreymon, MetalGarurumon, come get your awards!
Agumon: One more time! Agumon, warp-digivolve to... WarGreymon!
Gabumon: Gabumon, warp-digivolve to... MetalGarurumon!
The two Megas come up on stage, and Chris gives them their
awards.
MetalGarurumon: Thanks, everyone! I knew I’d win
somethin’ before the night
was out!
WarGreymon: TWO! YAY!
Chris: Congrats, guys! How ‘bout a hand for these two,
audience?
The audience applauds, and the two Megas de-digivolve to Koromon
and
Tsunomon, and take their seats.
CATEGORY FOURTEEN - WORST MOMENT
Chris waits a second, and Etemon runs past again.
Chris waits another second, and the Bakemon fly past again.
Chris: Will you hurry up and CATCH him, already? *sigh* Onward!
To present
this award, say hello to
Andromon!
Andromon enters, stage left, with “Robot Man” playing.
Chris: And his co-host, Ogremon!
Ogremon comes in, stage right, accompanied with
“U-G-L-Y” by Daphne and
Celeste. Ogremon and
Andromon meet at the lectern, and shake hands. The both then pick
up Chris
and throw him backstage for
his poor choice in music.
Andromon: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Ogremon: We’re happy to be here! So let’s get this show
on the road!
Andromon: People voted for the Worst Moment like this:
1 - Tai sings (“Princess Karaoke”)
1 - Any instance of Tai whining
1 - Myotismon being reborn as VenomMyotismon
(“Prophecy”)
1 - Mimi clinging tightly to Tai when they’re riding Greymon
(“City Under
Siege”)
1 - Tai tells Sora to butt out (I believe this was in “The
Arrival of
SkullGreymon”?)
1 - The kids play soccer in Etemon’s stadium and are trapped
in the nets
(“The Arrival of SkullGreymon”)
1 - Machinedramon is defeated in such a corny and easy manner
(“The Crest of
Light”)
2 - Angemon defeats Devimon in a poorly-executed manner
(“The Legend of the
DigiDestined”)
8 - Anything done by Etemon (again, there were several votes that
were along
the lines of “One word...
Etemon” and “Anything Etemon did” so it had to get
its own category. Other
specific Etemon votes tallied
here included “Etemon appears” and “Etemon comes
back”)
Chris: (v/o) HEADS UP!
Etemon runs out again, and Andromon hands him his third Digi as
he shoots
by.
Ogremon: Man... that guy really DOES suck, doesn’t he?
Andromon: People seem to think so.
The Bakemon fly past again.
Andromon: Stop the running gag, for the love of GOD!
Chris walks out.
Chris: But running gags are what I do best!
Ogremon: I’ll give ya a running kick in the ass if you
don’t cut it out.
Chris: Um... okay then. Boys, let the monkey be.
The Bakemon float back, grumbling, as Etemon exhales, and takes
his seat.
Chris: *coughs nervously* Would you two mind sitting down now?
Andromon: Well, okay.
Chris: *phew* Let’s have a BIG hand for them, please, in the
name of sanity,
give them a big hand, before
they hurt me.
The audience applauds as the two bulky Digimon sit back down.
CATEGORY FIFTEEN - MOST POPULAR RELATIONSHIP
Chris: Let’s go for neutral ground with this one - please
welcome Myotismon!
Myotismon walks on from the left, with the “Buffy the
Vampire Slayer” theme
playing.
Chris: And also, Piedmon! He’s a clown who knows a
relationship brewing when
he sees one!
Piedmon comes in from the right, with “Stuck In the Middle
With You”
playing.
Chris: Do you get the joke, people? DO YOU? “Clowns to the
left of me...
jokers to the right... here I am,
stuck in the middle with you!” Clowns! Jokers! Piedmon! Do
you SEE?
Ghostyhead chuckles, knowing that she and Chris are the only ones
who get
the “Do You See” gag, if even
that.
Ghostyhead: British humour, folks.
Chris goes backstage as Myotismon and Piedmon meet at the
lectern. They kiss
each other on each cheek,
and then turn to the audience... and realise that they are all
staring at
them with their mouths hanging open.
Myotismon: Err...
Piedmon: Umm...
Chris: (v/o) READ THE VOTES! READ THE VOTES NOW! I don’t
need this
controversy!
Myotismon: Good idea.
Piedmon: The votes for Most Popular Relationship were:
1 - Sorato
3 - Taito
4 - Takari
6 - Mimou
9 - Taiora
Myotismon: Tai! Sora! Congratulations! Come on dowwwwn!
Tai and Sora walk back up to the stage. Myotismon hands Tai his
award, and
Piedmon gives Sora hers.
Tai: Thank you, everybody! It’s great to see that you fans
have sensible
heads on your shoulders, and realise
that...
Sora elbows Tai.
Sora: Shhh! The censors don’t let us make these things
public, remember?
Tai: Oh, yeah. Uh... okay... three votes for Taito? What’s
WRONG with you
people?
Myotismon: Wasn’t that a hilariously funny fic someone
around here wrote?
Piedmon: Why yes, I do believe it was!
Myotismon: You should all read it!
Chris grins backstage.
Chris: It’s good to be the king.
Piedmon: Anyway... Taito... I don’t see what’s so bad
about that...
All: ...
Chris darts out.
Chris: Oops, sorry, that’s all the time we’ve got,
thanks Myotismon, thanks
Piedmon, thanks Tai and Sora,
c’mon, take your seats now, take ‘em! TAKE ‘EM!
The quartet are hustled offstage.
Chris: I swear to God, one more homosexual gag, and I am OUT of
this
business...
CATEGORY SIXTEEN - WORST RELATIONSHIP
Chris: Okay, now, I’m fully aware that I made a typo in this
question,
saying 02 instead of 01. But
thankfully, everyone who voted had enough common sense to REALISE
I’d made
an error, so it’s all good.
This is our last award for this section - and to present it, give
it up for
Frigimon and Meramon!
Frigimon waddles in from the left, with “Winter
Wonderland” playing. That’s
then replaced by “We Didn’t
Start the Fire,” as Meramon enters stage right. They meet at
the lectern,
and shake hands, creating a cloud
of hot steam. Chris goes backstage, screaming, as his face is
scalded.
Meramon: It’s the final award for 01, and we’re
honoured to present it! The
heat is on!
Frigimon: But let’s all be cool, and see who won!
The audience groan and writhe around at the bad jokes.
Meramon: The couples the fans just don’t see any heat
between were:
1 - Takari
1 - Sorato
1 - Michi
2 - Mishiro
2 - Mimou
3 - Taiora
5 - Taito
6 - Mimato
Frigimon: Let’s hear it for this cool guy and gal, Matt and
Mimi! You guys
are so cold, you’re frozen!
Matt and Mimi come up on stage, and Meramon gives Mimi her award,
while Matt
gets his from Frigimon.
Matt: It’s good that you fans actually realise there’s
no evidence for
Mimato.
Mimi: Standing next to each other means NOTHING!
Matt: And I’m not gay, either.
Mimi: Yes, and neither am I.
Chris walks out.
Chris: Ohh, Mimi, your sexuality is something we’ll be
handling in our next
section, never you fear.
Mimi: What?
Chris: Oh, just wait, you’ll see soon enough.
Mimi looks out to the audience, to see Yolei squirming in her
seat.
Mimi: Am I missing something?
Chris winks at Yolei.
Chris: Just wait.
Mimi, very flustered, leaves the stage with Matt, Frigimon and
Meramon.
The Digimon Theme starts to play.
Chris: That’s it for 01, ladies and gents! It’s
intermission time! Go get a
drink at the bar, have something to
eat, go to the bathroom, whatever - but be back here soon for
Section Two -
The 02 Cartoon!
The lights on stage go out, Chris walks backstage, the lights in
the
amphitheatre go up, and the audience
files out.
END PART ONE!