- - -

Back in the bar, Charlene bounces into Izzy's arms.

Charlene: I - won - an - award! I - won - an - award! And - I - didn't - even - have - to - die!

Everyone else flows back into the bar room.

Oikawa: Okay, with me so far?

MetalSeadramon: Three cans of whipped cream and a motel room... right, I get it...

Oikawa: And then SHE says, "NO, I'M the hooker!"

MetalSeadramon: ...

Oikawa: *sigh*

In a dark corner of the bar...

Riley: This is disgusting...

Yamaki: Indeed... all these digital freaks running wild and free, not bound even by the laws of censorship... grr, it makes me want to blow this whole place up... I'd kill us both if to destroy this many of them!

Riley: ...I was talking about the wine. Honestly, can't we just have a night out? Can't you think of anything but your job? I gave you the best years of my life...

Yamaki: Not tonight, I have a headache...


Calumon: Thish... ish shome good shit...

Puppetmon: You... *hic* ...shaid it!

Calumon and Puppetmon belch the alphabet.

The loudspeaker crackles.

Voice (v/o): *cough* If you'd all like to get to the hall, we're ready to start the show on section four, baby! We got a special festive musical treat for ya'll!

Piedmon: That didn't sound like Chris...

Mummymon: But it's a SPECIAL treat! You can't pass up a SPECIAL treat!

Piedmon shrugs, and follows everyone back into the hall.

Machinedramon's Head: Hey. Don't. Leave. Me. Behind. I. Want. To. Hear. The. Sweet. Sweet. Music. Too.

Myotismon returns and snatches up Machinedramon's head.

Everyone retakes their seats. The voice on the loudspeaker is heard again.

Voice (v/o): Y'all are welcome back to:


Voice (v/o): And now it's time for:


Voice (v/o): But before we present...


Voice (v/o): ...here's that festive musical treat we promised, baby!

The curtains suddenly open, and Etemon is revealed, microphone in hand! The dirty monkey is clad in a sparkling silver tuxedo.

The audience screams.

Etemon speaks again, and everyone realises it was his voice on the loudspeaker system.

Etemon: Well, thangya. Thangyaverramush. An' I'd like ta welcome mah singin' partner...

Etemon gestures, and Kenta enters stage left, in a similar tux.

The audience screams even louder.

Kenta: And a-one, and a-two, and a-one, two, three four!

Etemon: Snow is fallin'...

Kenta: Oh yes, it's allll fallin'!

Etemon: All around me, baby!

Kenta: Allll the way around!

Etemon: Children playing...

Kenta: Playing allll around me!

Etemon: ...havin' fun!

Kenta: Havin' allll the fun!

Etemon: 'Tis the season...

Kenta: For allll that love and understanding!

Both: Merry Christmas... everyone!

There's a thump, as Chris, tied up and gagged, rolls out from behind the curtain.

Chris: Grmmphh!!

Etemon kicks him.

Etemon: Down boy! Now, Kent', let's hear these here votes!

Kenta: The votes for Most Popular Song were:

1 - "Hey Digimon," by Paul Gordon
1 - "Strange," by Jasan Radford
1 - "The Digi-Rap," by M.C. Peapod and Paul Gordon
2 - "Change into Power," by Paul Gordon
5 - "Let's Kick It Up," by Paul Gordon
5 - Here We Go," by Jason Gochin
13 - "Run Around" by Jasan Radford

Etemon: Now, where's this Radford cat?


The fourth wall creaks and groans, almost buckling, as a door opens in it, and Radford walks through. Bakemon zoom in and brace the wall, holding it back, as Radford takes his award, and goes back through the door.

One of the Bakemon flits over and unties Chris.

Chris: Sons of bitches...!

Etemon: Time to beat feet, uh-huh-huh!

Etemon and Kenta flee the stage, and the hall.

Chris: If I ever get my hands on that monkey, he's going to get a severe spanking...


Chris: WHAT?!


The audience calms down, and resumes their seats, as Chris composes himself.

Chris: *runs hand back through his hair* Okay. To present this award, put your hands together for ShogunGekomon!

The floor shakes as ShogunGekomon tromps his way up on stage.

ShogunGekomon: *sings* I'm so happy to BEEE-EEE... HERE!

Chris: Ye-eah.

ShogunGekomon: I'm... zzz...zzzz...zzz...

Chris pokes ShogunGekomon.

Chris: Wake up!

ShogunGekomon: Hmn? Wha? Oh, yes, right. Votes.

1 - "Here We Go," by Jason Gochin
1 - "Run Around", by Jasan Radford
1 - "Let's Kick It Up," by Paul Gordon
1 - "The Digi-Rap," by M.C. Peapod and Paul Gordon
1 - "Turn Around," sung by Matt
2 - "Digimon Theme," by Paul Gordon and Shuki Levy
3 - "Going Digital," by Jasan Radford
4 - "Change Into Power," by Paul Gordon
14 - "Hey Digimon," by Paul Gordon

Chris: I must be the only person alive who actually quite likes that song... I think people vote for it as worst more because it's horrible BATTLE music... okay, boys... aaaand... BRACE!

The Bakemon strain against the fourth wall again, holding it back as Paul Gordon silently walks through the door and takes his award. Chris pokes him in the shoulder.

Chris: Still none the wiser on who the hell his guy IS...

Gordon goes back through the door.

Chris: And everyone give a big hand for ShogunGekomon!

ShogunGekomon: Zzzzzz...

Chris: Oh, for...


Some Gekomon and Otamamon roll ShogunGekomon offstage.

Chris: To further expand my investigation into the Tamers world - which, I'll remind you, I haven't actually seen any episodes of yet (but I think I'm doing quite well, don't you?) - let's welcome Jeri and Kazu to present this award!

Kazu enters, with Jeri whimpering and quietly talking to her hand. He glares at Armadillomon.

Armadillomon: It was damn scary!

Jeri blubbers.

Chris: Aw, Christ... can someone do something for this kid?

Armadillomon: Geez, all right, if it means so much to you, you can have yet damn puppet back.

Jeri: Really?

Armadillomon: Yer gonna hafta wait a couple'a hours, though.

All: Ewwww.

Kazu: Before I vomit... the votes for Most Popular Merchandise were:

1 - Agumon hot water bottle
1 - Eps 1-13 DVD
2 - Digi-Warriors action figures
4 - "Digimon World"/"Digimon World 2" for the Playstation
4 - 2.5" action feature figures
4 - "Digimon: The Movie" VHS/DVD
5 - Digivolving figures
6 - Plush toys

Chris: A second victory for the plushies! We don't have a Digimon to present this award to this year, so instead...

A small child walks in. He is wearing a leather cap, and a tattered jacket, with fingerless gloves on his hands, and an oversized scarf around his neck. His nose and cheeks are red, and a beaten-up pair of black boots three sizes too big are on his feet. His eyes are large, even for an anime character.

Chris: Audience, meet Little Timmy.

Kazu hands him the Digi.

Little Timmy: Cor blimey, guv'nor, the other urchins and I down at the Bandai workhouse can sell this to pay fer me sister's medicine!

Armadillomon: Hey, you got any prunes on ya? This puppet is playin' havoc with mah innards...

All: Ewwww.


Chris: I think this quote from Jolly Trolly sums this category up quite well:

"What the F*CK kind of question is this?!"

Chris: And in answer to that - it's this year's equivalent to last year's "Who'd Win, Matt or Tai?" trivial category. And to deal with the (somewhat surprising) votes, welcome Calumon!

Calumon staggers onto the stage, pissed drunk from his drinking session with Puppetmon.

Calumon: It's... *hic* ...a pleasure to... be...

Chris: Uh-huh, yeah... read the votes and get off my stage, you bum.

Calumon: You wanna... *hic* ...shtep outshide?

Chris: What are you gonna do, "cute" me to death?

Calumon gums Chris's leg.

Chris: Ew, ew, ew, get off! *shakes leg*

Calumon releases him, and spits out a couple of sequins.

Calumon: The votesh were:

2 - d) Blonde perm
2 - b) 01 hair down
5 - a) 01 hair up
9 - c) Dyed pink with glitter stars
12 - e) Straight, with woollen hat

Chris: I would have sworn blind that the 'pink with stars' doo was going to win by a mile. But there ya go!

Mimi comes up on stage and accepts her award from Calumon.

Chris: Of course, the award is entirely superfluous, as you were going to win it anyway, what with it all being your hair.

Calumon retches and passes out.

Chris: Sanitation!

Datamon scuttles past and sweeps Calumon up.

Chris: And let's have a big hand for Mimi...'s hair!

The audience applauds, as Mimi retakes her seat.


Chris: Here we have what I affectionately refer to as the 'Widget, Gizmo or MacGuffin' section. And to present, it's Puppetmon!

"Like a Puppet on a String" plays, as Puppetmon enters stage left, fighting off a bunch of Bakemon who are attempting to feed him raw coffee. He coughs and spits. His bright red tux is stained with it in various places.

Puppetmon: I'm sober! I'm sober, already!

Chris: Honestly, don't you learn from your mistakes?

Puppetmon: I CAN QUIT ANY TIME I WANT!! *waves mallet*

Chris: Okay! Okay! Just don't point that thing at me!

Puppetmon: That's BETTER. The votes were:

1 - D-Terminal
1 - Jim's car
1 - Black Gears
1 - Dark Rings
2 - Dark Spores
2 - Dark Spirals
2 - Digivices
4 - Crests
6 - Digi-Eggs
8 - D-3s

Chris: And as he was the creator of the D-3s, we give this award to Azulongmon!

Puppetmon tosses the Digi-Award up into the air.

Puppetmon: Batter up!

Puppetmon clobbers the award with his mallet, sending it flying across the hall. The award smashes through a window.

Azulongmon (v/o, outside): I wanna thank mom and dad.

Chris: The fan commentary on this section of the show was sparse... so we'll just have to move along...


Chris: For this award...

There's a knock at the door, interrupting Chris.

The Bakemon fly over, unlock it, and open the doors. A guy in a white and red tracksuit, holding a stack of flat boxes, stands there.

Guy: I got an order for six pizzas... mushroom, sausage, pepperoni, pineapple, Canadian bacon, anchovies and green peppers?

Apocalymon: Right here.

Chris: Ahem, yes, anyway, moving along... to present this award, let's welcome everybody's favourite illicit couple who indulge in regular pre-marital sex on a kid's TV show... why, it's Yamaki and Riley!

The "X-Files" theme tune plays, as Yamaki and Riley walk out from opposite sides of the stage and meet at the podium.

Yamaki: You all disgust me, you vile, repulsive freaks of nature.

Riley: Stop that! We came out tonight to have fun! Can't you leave your work at the office?

Yamaki: *bangs his fist on the podium* But this is all so wrong!

Riley: My mother was right about you...

Yamaki: Don't bring your mother into this!

Riley: You NEVER liked my mother!!

Chris: *coughs* Uh...

Yamaki and Riley: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!!

Riley: Just read the votes and stop embarrassing yourself.

Yamaki: Why should I?

Riley: Fine, then! I'LL read them!

Riley takes a hold of the envelope.

Yamaki: I didn't say I WASN'T going to! Give me that!

Yamaki and Riley pull on the envelope.

Chris: You rip that, you're paying for it...

Yamaki and Riley: I SAID, BUTT OUT!

Riley pulls the envelope from Yamaki's hand, and opens it.

Riley: The votes for Favourite Accessory were:

1 - Davis's jacket
1 - Sora's hairclip (from the movie)
1 - Sora's hat
1 - Mimi' hat
1 - The Digi-Egg of Hope
4 - Tai/Davis's Goggles (either pair)
10 - Digimon Emperor's suit, shades and whip
10 - Izzy's laptop (Charlene)

Yamaki: *grumbles*

Chris: Good ol' Charlene comes out on top again this year, although she's tied with Ken's old duds! But, well, they can't really come up here and collect their award, so Ken, join us!

Charlene bounces out of her seat, and down the aisle. She hops up the steps onto the stage, and Chris picks her up and puts her on the podium. Ken goes up as well. Riley hands him his award, and Yamaki moves to give Charlene hers.

Charlene: Not - on - the - keyboard! Not - on - the - keyboard!

Yamaki sets it down beside her.

Ken: If my suit could be here tonight, I'm sure it would like to thank meeeee!

Charlene: And - I - want - to - thank - Izzy - and - Gennai - and - Chris - for - all - creating - the - various - special - things - that - make - up - who - I - am.

The audience applauds as Ken and Charlene take their seats.

Chris: Yamaki and Riley, everyone!

The audience claps again, as Riley and Yamaki argue their way back to their seats.

Yamaki: Well, YOU never liked MY mother either!


Chris: This category was made multiple choice, just for the sake of easiness. Several of the characters that were voted for last year actually did appear in 02, so there were new choices this year. And to present, let's welcome two characters who were practically non-show in themselves... it's Ryo and Dragomon!

"My Name Is...?" plays, as Ryo and Dragomon enter from opposite sides of the stage.

Ryo: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.


Ryo: Language...

Dragomon: Fear me, land walker... lest you suffer the wrath of he who dwells in darkness...

Ryo: Ah, yeah... anyway... the votes for this category were:

4 - e) Armadillomon and/or Hawkmon's Mega forms - Vikimon and/or Valkyrimon
5 - d) Veedramon/AeroVeedramon
6 - c) Wormmon's other forms - DinoBeemon, GranKuwagamon and/or Pucchiemon
7 - b) The other three Harmonious Ones (aka Holy Beasts, DigiGods, etc...) - Zhuqiaomon, Ebonwumon and Baihumon (current information shows that they'll be appearing in Tamers anyway)
9 - a) The Mega form(s) of Palmon, Gomamon, Biyomon and/or Tentomon - Rosemon, Preciomon, Phoenixmon and/or HerculesKabuterimon

Chris: Second year running, with Gomamon included this time, are the Megas of the other 01 Digimon!

Palmon, Tentomon, Gomamon and Biyomon make their way up to the stage, and accept their awards.

Ryo: I think we may actually have some fan comments this time...

"E - it's the only one that I can really see working." - Jolly Trolly

"A... But all I need is Rosemon. ^_^" - Tech Weaver

"B - Cool idea. Hope Tamers does it well." - Andy00

"B - Not necessarily as main plot elements or anything, but I think they should have been freed at the end or something. The show should have touched on them more." - Fenrir X

Dragomon: *pokes Palmon* Hey, babe... you wanna come back to my place, so I can show ya "That Which Cannot Be Named?" *wink*

Palmon: ...living in another dimension on your own hasn't exactly helped your skills with pick-up lines, has it?

Dragomon: Hey, you're lucky I'm even trying... usually I just send a bunch of my guys out to snatch the nearest filly... they spin a whole "Come with us child, we need you" thing...

Kari (in audience): HEY!!

Dragomon: Oh, you know you want me.


Everyone is bustled off stage, as Chris prepares to introduce the next guest.

Chris: This year, I've done this category the RIGHT way - grouping the results by ACTOR, rather than character, as was done last year. Plus it REALLY helps that the fandom's knowledge of voice actors has been greatly enhanced in recent months. However, we had SO many votes, I'm considering making this multiple choice next year... anyway, for now, to present the award, let's welcome a guy who's voice is in every blinkin' 02 episode... it's Devimon!

Devimon floats out on stage.

Devimon: Third-to-last award? Is that all you think of me?

Chris: You'll feel better when you see who's doing the next one.

Devimon: Oh, then... s'okay.

Chris: S'awright.

Devimon: The votes for this category were (only 01 and 02 characters credited here):

1 - Tifanie Christun (Yolei, Biyomon)
1 - Brian Donovan (Davis)
1 - Dave Mallow (Angemon, Upamon, Gekomon)
1 - Mona Marshall (Izzy)
1 - Edie Mirman (Gatomon & evolutions)
1 - Jamieson Price (Oikawa)
1 - Michael Reisz (Matt)
1 - Philece Sampler (Mimi, Cody)
1 - Joshua Seth (Tai, Motimon)
1 - Paul St. Peter (Wormmon & higher evolutions, Leomon, Apocalymon)
2 - Stephen Jay Blum (Veemon's Armour forms, BlackWarGreymon, Poromon)
2 - Richard Epcar (Myotismon & evolutions, Etemon & evolutions)
2 - Wendee Lee (01 T.K., Minomon)
2 - Kirk Thornton (Gabumon & evolutions, Mummymon)
3 - Jeff Nimoy (Tentomon & higher evolutions, Cherrymon, Young Gennai)
6 - Derek Stephen Prince (Ken/Digimon Emperor, DemiDevimon, Piedmon, Veemon & evolutions)

Chris: See why I need it to be multiple choice? Brace that wall!

The Bakemon strain against the fourth wall, as Derek Stephen Prince walks through the door, and accepts his award from Devimon.

Chris: Hopefully, I'll have an interview with Mr. Prince up on my website in the near future...

The audience applauds, and Prince goes back through the doorway, and the Bakemon relax.

Chris: That's Devimon!

Devimon floats back to his seat, as the audience claps.


Chris: This one was pretty predictable - the ballot itself held the answer. So to present the final Sukie of the night... it's MetalSeadramon!

MetalSeadramon wriggles out on stage.

MetalSeadramon: Daaah... what am I doin' here, again?

Chris: Reading the votes...

MetalSeadramon: ...read...?

Chris: Yes, the enve-

MetalSeadramon: Oooh, lookit da purty lights...

Chris: If you don't read those v-

MetalSeadramon: Hey, an envelope! *opens it* Lesse what it sez...

1 - Bob Glouberman (Willis)
1 - Neil Kaplan (Hawkmon & evolutions)
1 - Lex Lang (WarGreymon, Rapidmon)
1 - Michael Lindsay (Joe, Greymon)
1 - Dave Mallow/Robert Axelrod combination (Shakkoumon)
1 - Mona Marshall (Izzy)
1 - Lara Jill Miller (Kari)
1 - Jeff Nimoy (Tentomon & higher evolutions, Cherrymon, Young Gennai)
1 - Derek Stephen Prince (Ken/Digimon Emperor, DemiDevimon, Piedmon, Veemon & evolutions)
1 - Paul St. Peter (Wormmon & higher evolutions, Leomon, Apocalymon)
1 - Joshua Seth (Tai, Motimon)
1 - Brianne Siddall (Koromon)
2 - Brian Donovan (Davis)
2 - David Lodge (Azulongmon, Puppetmon)
2 - Philece Sampler (Mimi, Cody)
3 - Doug Erholtz (02 T.K., MetalSeadramon, Jim Kido)
9 - Tom Gibis (Michael)

Chris: Told you it was predictable. *snaps fingers*

The Bakemon hold back the straining fourth wall once again, as Tom Gibis comes through it, and grudgingly accepts his Sukie.

Chris: If fans are interested - Gibis will be playing Mushra, the male lead, in a new Saban dubbed anime series, called "Shinzo." It hasn't started to air in America yet, but it's being screened in other countries, one of which just happens to be Ireland. But with the fate of Fox Kids up in the air at the moment, goodness knows when it'll see the light of day in the U.S.

Gibis goes back through the fourth wall, and the Bakemon fly away, done with it for the night.

MetalSeadramon: Whut a nice fella.

Chris: Yes, well, that's easy for you to say - you don't have any ears.


Chris: This is it, folks... the coup de grace, the big enchilada, the mackest of all mack daddies... the ultimate question!

Chris waves a golden envelope in the air.

Chris: In this envelope are the final votes for the night... which was the greatest, 01 or 02? Before we find out, I'd like all of tonight's presenters to join me on stage!

Tai, Matt, Sora, Joe, Izzy, Mimi, Kari, T.K., Davis, Yolei, Cody, Ken, Michael, Omnimon, Paildramon, Silphymon, Shakkoumon, Diaboromon, Arukenimon, Mummymon, Oikawa, BlackWarGreymon, Daemon, SkullSatamon, MarineDevimon, LadyDevimon, Devimon, Piedmon, Myotismon, Puppetmon, Machinedramon, MetalSeadramon, Takato, Rika, Guilmon, Renamon, Terriermon, Lopmon, Yamaki, Riley, Ryo, Dragomon, Apocalymon, Impmon, Calumon, Digitamamon, Charlene, Gennai, the Censors, Kazu, Jeri and Jeff Nimoy all somehow manage to assemble on stage, and even Kenta, Etemon and Azulongmon are allowed back in.

Chris: And now... *opens the envelope*...

10 - Season One
20 - Season Two

Chris: And THERE you have it! Despite a wonky dub, Season Two rules the roost! And this year's overall winner is Ken, carrying off the most awards, all positive! Not a Sukie in sight for this former Emperor!

Ken takes a bow.

The Digi-Rap begins to play.

Chris: It's all over for another year, audience! Hope you had as much fun as we all did! Next year (if I'm still around!) we'll be tackling Tamers, and the whole show's gonna be reorganised! Hope to see you all then! But for now - Merry Christmas! Enjoy the holidays! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

The audience applauds, and the lights go out on stage. The curtains close, and the auditorium lights come back on. The audience files out.

Out in the bar, everyone unwinds...

Machinedramon's Head: Does. Anyone. Have. Any. Duct. Tape?

Piedmon sighs, and he and Puppetmon begin putting Machinedramon back together.

Tai taps Apocalymon on the shoulder. Apocalymon's halfway through his fourth pizza.

Tai: Hey, could I have a slice of that?

Apocalymon: Oh, sure...

Apocalymon spins around, and throws all the leftover crusts in Tai's face. Tai splutters and coughs.

Apocalymon: HA! Now YOU know how it feels! BWAAHAHAA!

Oikawa: Now, let's go through this one more time...

Daemon: She's IN the motel...

Myotismon: And there are THREE cans...

Devimon: ...of WHIPPED cream.

Mummymon: And THEN... *SHE* says...

All: ..."No, I'M the hooker."

MetalSeadramon: ...

All five of them fall over anime-style.

Riley: *watches them fall over* You ever get the feeling that it's a man's world, and we're just living in it?

Arukenimon and LadyDevimon shake their heads.

Arukenimon: You just need to learn to control them. HERE, BOY!

Mummymon zips in, and curls around Arukenimon's leg, purring.

LadyDevimon: And to learn when to say no.

Daemon: Hey, BITCH!


Riley: I like the way you think...

In the background, Yamaki quietly smashes up the cigarette machine after it eats his quarters.

Etemon: Ah think you an' me could really go places, boy.

Kenta: You really think so?

Impmon: Yeah, like, maybe prison, for disturbin' da peace.

Calumon perches on the bar, and groans. He sips a mug of coffee, as, to his left...

Armadillomon: Hrnngh... okay, okay, it's comin'...

Kazu and Jeri wait expectantly, as the Censors get in front of the whole scene, and hold a large "CENSORED" banner up in front of the camera.

Matt: Y'know, I really think that it's illegal to be as abusive as he was.

Sora: Hey, it got us off the stage and out of the way, I'm not complaining...

An anvil crashes to the ground, inches away from Matt.

Matt: You were saying...?

Sora: Hey, it MISSED, didn't it?

Nimoy trips over the anvil, and bumps into Matt, sending him flying into the nearest table, under which T.K. and Kari are... er... reconciling their differences.

The Censors hold their banner up again.

SkullSatamon & MarineDevimon: Get that damn thing out of the way!

Rika: Hey, when the f*ck can we get out of here?

Leomon: When the fic ends.

Charlene: Well - let's - see - if - we - can't - hurry - it - up - some.

Charlene extends her cables and attaches them to Willis and Henry.

Charlene: Everybody - back - in - the - studio!

The crew all bustle out of the hall, and into the studio outside. Some Bakemon carry Willis and Henry out, as Izzy walks behind them with Charlene in his hands.

Chris sticks his head out the doorway, as all the other guests who aren't, y'know, fictional, look on.

Chris: Leaving so soon?

Tai: Uh, yeah, y'know... worlds to go to... fic arcs to complete... all of that.

Chris: But there's gonna be karaoke later...

Etemon: Ooh...!

Rika kicks Etemon in the shin.

Etemon: YEOW!

Chris: ...and there were gonna be games and things...

Charlene: Maybe - next - year. ENGAGE!

Willis and Henry start pulsing again, and the studio begins to fade out.

Chris: Oh well... Merry Christmas!

Charlene: Whatever.


The studio vanishes.

Chris: Ah well... that's that for another twelve months...

Azulongmon: Hey, I was in the bathroom. What'd I miss? Woah, this place is so dead, a morgue once told it to liven up!


*canned laughter*

Chris: Aw, godammit.

- - -


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For the next part of "Take Me To Another World," be on the look out for:


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